Brett Berk: The Gay Uncle's Guide to Parenting » Nieces & Nephews

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Brett — Wed, 05 Mar 2008 16:53:09 +0000

Before he forgets, G.U. would like to wish a happy #9 to his #1 niece.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY “AMBER”

Dairy Queens

Brett — Tue, 26 Feb 2008 16:52:21 +0000

Moving directly from the frigid depths of winter, to the balmy breezes of the Florida Keys, The Gay Uncle received a missive from his sister Roxy early this morning, describing an example of P.P.A. (Poor Parenting Activity) at the local Dairy Queen. Apparently one of the many diva-moms down in Key West very pointedly used her bratty child’s whining to solicit a line-cut from an ear-drummed patron, and–as if taking cut-sies wasn’t bad enough–she then appropriated the last of the cotton-candy flavored sprinkles. The Gay Uncle’s well-behaved niece Amber, who was waiting patiently for said topping, was disappointed. Now, giving in to whining is a big G.U. no-no (see Whining in the book’s Appendix). But, perhaps more importantly, any improper ice-cream-related behavior is heinously outré in a tropical climate. Sensing that they’d been doubly wronged, sis Roxy rolled her eyes at Diva-Mom and leaned down to niece Amber. “Uncle Brett would have a field day with this,” she said. Amber nodded, then squinted at her mother. “Mama, what’s a field day?”

It came out!

Brett — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 21:46:34 +0000

Though somewhat drunk from an evening of carousing with his Rock Star younger brother, the Gay Uncle was able to catch a ride with his Designated Driver mother and swoop into the Key’s Medical Center early this morning to celebrate the arrival of Lev Berk Eggers (8lbs., 5oz.) a new niece, born at 1:09a.m. Thankfully, G.U. did not have to witness any of the biological gnarliness of the actual event, but showed up about a half-hour later, once the little darling was all cleaned up and swadled, and his sister’s lower half had been cosmetically hidden under a clean white hospital blanket. (Operation Nothing!) On seeing the tiny–or not so tiny–baby, the proud Uncle could think only one thing: NEW MATERIAL!!!

Prediction Chart

Brett — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 14:34:47 +0000

While waiting for his new niece to make her way down Sis’ yellow-brick birth canal, the Gay Uncle engaged his existing relatives, young and old, in a little game of let’s predict: an old tactic he used to use as a classroom teacher when one of his students was awaiting a new addition to their family. They came up with a whole bunch of standard guessing categories, like how much the baby would weigh, what time she’d be born, what color her eyes would be, and whether or not she’d have hair. But, being a non-traditional family, the Uncles also came up with other less traditional areas of exploration, such as the nature of her earlobes (attached or unattached), how many suckles she’d take when first latching on to the boob, and whether or not her mother would poop on the delivery table (and, if so, what consistency the poop would be: greasy, runny, watery, pebbles, candy bar, etc.) Answers to be revealed in a future post.