Month: December 2008

The Gay Uncle received a note from his friend Lola today titled I’m Just Not That Into My Kid These Days. She wrote: “I have a confession, I’m not sure I like the person that my son became this past week.” Apparently, her nearly three year-old, Lou, had been home sick with a bad cold, and over the course of the four days off from school, both mom and son “started to get a little crazy” with the boy “constantly testing and absolutely not listening.” She ended it with a cry for help.

Well, help has arrived. Here is Gunc’s 5-point strategy for dealing with a home-based, three year-old insurrection, and your own sense of not really liking your kid.

1) Confess: It’s great to admit your frustration to someone (besides your child); it helps relieve the tension. And it’s particularly useful to tell someone like the G.U. because a) He’s an expert b) He thrives on familial conflict and c) He can use these disclosures as fodder for a column.
2) Butt Out: Welcome to the core struggle of three year-olds, the age at which kids become cognizant of their abilities and their limitations, bringing a painful awareness of how their desires contrast with their skill set, and creating a toxic cycle of need, vehemence, and failure. Give your child space to attempt things themselves, and let them know (once!) that you’re there if they need help. But be aware that P.I. (Parental Insertion) is often fuel for the fire–even if you’re just trying to validate their vexation. Practice butting out. Your child needs to get past their frustration threshold in order to figure out where it is and what it means.
3) Loose Strength: The flip side of this is the need to remain consistent about discipline. Be proactive: set up your expectations, parameters, and repercussions in advance, and stick to them. But plan on providing a little extra space and time–one more warning, one more minute–than usual.
4) Sick Sympathy: We all tend to lash out when we feel crappy. (Have you ever visited someone in the hospital?) Illness exacerbates all of the above issues–particularly our frustration threshold. With nose-blows, expect blow-back.
5) Break Out: Imagine how you would feel if you were forced to stay home alone with your mom for a week? Your 3 year-old is used to a correlative measure of freedom at school, and being stuck home as the helpless victim of your caretaking runs counter to the pride and independence their regular life brings. Also remember that young kids thrive on routine, and a break like this is a disruption on every level. Returning to school should help. But your kid might also benefit from some extra time away from you. Plan a playdate, hire a sitter, send them to the movies with their Guncle.

The Gay Uncle is now writing two monthly features for the hip, intelligent, online parenting magazine Babble. The first is a “Dispatch” essay about a topic of his choosing–so far he’s written about things like mediated divorces, gender development, and lying to kids. But it’s the second we’ll be discussing here, a new column featuring his interviews with young (3-8 year old) kids, in which he asks them for their advice or ideas about different issues. Last month, it was The Economy, this month, it’s Careers. Since the shtick has a sort of “man-on-the-street” quality to it, Gunc has to go to places where there are crowds of kids (schools, playgrounds, libraries, Pinkberry) and because interviewing children requires parental consent, he has to walk up to total strangers and ask if he can talk to their kids. This might be easier if he were a) a woman, b) pushing a stroller, c) not insanely gay, d)wearing something besides a long, belted trench-coat. (This last bit is a joke; he never belts his jacket). As it stands, he often ends up having conversations with parents that go something like this:
G.U.: “Hi, my name is Brett. I’m a writer for Babble the parenting magazine, and I’m working on a monthly feature where we interview kids about a topic, and then publish their responses along with a photograph of them. I’m looking for kids between the ages of 3 and 8 to interview. Do you have any kids in that age range who might want to talk to me?
Mom: [Glancing around nervously] “Security!”
or
Mom: [Holding hand to chest] “You scared me.”
or
Mom: “This playground is for parents and children only. Are you a parent?”

The G.U. then has to explain that he’s an early childhood educator, that he ran a preschool, that yes, he indeed wrote the world famous instructive non-fiction book The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting. At which point, some moms soften, and others seem even more suspicious. He offers up his business card, he gives out his phone number and email address, he shows his driver’s license. He refuses to talk to the kids without the parent’s introducing him and remaining present. But some parents still keep up their guard. Dear readers, you know that Gunc wants only the best for all children (and to finish his damn assignment and get paid). Do you have any ideas about how to convince moms that he’s “safe”? Should he get one of those pre-screening cards they have in airports? Should he wear a wig and carry a fake baby? Should he get himself castrated? Let him know below in COMMENTS.

It’s official. The Gay Uncle loves his little niece, Cake. It isn’t only because the girl is very developmentally advanced, beginning to take her first steps well before her first birthday. Or because she’s been a point of care-giving communion for his three other similarly-aged and rivalrous Key West-based nieces Amber 9, Faye 10, and Lucia 8. Or because she’s made his sister Roxy and her boyfriend Nick so happy that they’ve bought a house down there, one with a guest room for him to stay in. No, he loves the baby girl because, when watching one of the videos he recently made for his Vanity Fair automobile column Stick Shift she reportedly cracked up. Of course you know by now that Gunc loves an audience, so that might have been enough. But after she laughed, she pointed at the screen and said the magic word…“Uncle!” Now, whenever anyone says the word “Uncle”, the baby guffaws. Once he heard this story, the G.U. immediately got online, cashed in some frequent flier miles, and booked a ticket down there. He’ll be reporting from the beach next week, and should have loads of good new anecdotes and observations from all your favorite Conch Republic characters.

The Thanksgiving holiday is over. The less intelligent of your loved ones spent most of it gorging, napping, in gastric distress, and trampling–or being trampled–at the nearest big-box store. But not you. You’re too smart for all that. You’ve decided to do all your holiday shopping online. And here’s a chance to get that special someone in your life something truly special. Just in time for the gift-giving season, The Gay Uncle is offering a special package deal on his amazing parenting book The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting. Sure you can buy it from any online bookstore, like our stellar partners to the right, or pick up one of the thousands of used copies that someone’s tossed aside after receiving it at their baby shower, but for a limited time only, you can also buy it RIGHT HERE. And if you do, the Gay Uncle himself will personally inscribe it with a witty note to your loved one, and sign it with his signature…signature. $15 includes everything: book, inscription, collectible bookmark, and even first class shipping. Just type up what you want inscribed in the Inscription field, and click the Buy button. Perfect for every mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, uncle, aunt, or generic gay relative on your list. Much better than another impersonal gift-card. Much more useful than an ugly sweater. And good for the environment. Click and buy below.

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