The Gay Uncle recently received a question from a regular reader about the recently divorced parents of her niece. “As near as I can figure,”ť the woman wrote, “my brother and his wife have never really told their daughter Megan that they”re splitting up: though she”s quite comfortable having two houses, and certainly recognizes that mommy lives in one and daddy in the other. Now, my ex-sister-in-law has a reasonably serious boyfriend, and with that comes a fair amount of makey-outy in front of Meg. Is this behavior problematic in the absence of any coherent explanation? I don’t think Meg is particularly traumatized””she doesn’t appear to be acting out””but after she spent the night with us recently, she asked “Why is Rick coming to brunch with mommy?”ť Should we insert ourselves?”ť
This is a good question. Gunc thinks that since Megan is 5 1/2 and seemingly intelligent, she indeed deserves an explanation. But since the parents haven”t provided it, it”s not exactly the aunt and uncle”s place (yet) to take on this responsibility. What the G.U. would suggest however is that they use the niece”s post-sleep over question to cue the brother and sister-in-law in to her need. Kids can adapt to almost anything without showing signs of trauma, but for their long-term mental health, they need to have big situations like this explained to them in an age-appropriate way that allows them to absorb, process, ask-questions, and receive answers. (Note that this, like most things with young kids, is not necessarily a linear process, meaning that it may take multiple efforts for it to make sense, and feel fully explained.) But the fact of Megan asking this question suggests that she wants more of an explanation of what”s going on than “mommy and daddy have different houses”ť.
The Gay Uncle recommends that the reader tell her brother and sister-in-law about this, and suggest that they provide her with some further information about their situation. She can handle it if it’s delivered properly; she eventually won’t be able to if it isn’t. If, after the reader points this out, her siblings still don”t offer explanations, then Gunc thinks it’s safe to step in next time the girl asks, or even next time they see her. (The fact that she asked them about this indicates that she either may not feel comfortable asking it of her parents or has asked them about it already and gotten the brush off.) Dear reader can bring up her question and offer up answers. She may even want to think of examples of people in the niece”s life””either kids or adults””who have gone through divorce themselves. Concrete examples can really help make sense of these things for kids. Gunc also recommends these two books for concretizing this issue, and the providing ways to discuss it with young children.
Let’s Talk About: Divorce, Fred Rogers
Dinosaurs Divorce, Marc Brown