Relatively Ashamed

How do you embarrass a tweenage niece? It’s easy: simply do or say anything, and the girl will immediately become rigid with shame. It’s even easier if you’re the Gay Uncle, as this affords you the possibility of…performing in ways that draw just the kind of outre attention over which pre-teens achieve mortification. For example: flouncing down the street, making snide sotto voce comments about the outfits worn by out-of-shape tourists, trying on ridiculous accessories in the epicenter of all that is cheap garbagey and Chinese-made Claire’s, or insisting on wearing one of these items–a black velvet headband onto which a tiny black velvet top-hat had been affixed, for the rest of the afternoon (even in Starbucks, where there might be “people who know me”). But apparently the best means for discomfiting a ten year old female relative is to cave in to her most pressing desire and agree to take her to see her second screening (in as many days) of the world’s most inane teenage vampire franchise, and then spend the entire film loudly whispering and pointing out which of the characters is HOT, and why or why not. Gunc highly recommends this activity. It’s very satisfying on multiple levels.