The Gay Uncle received a note from his friend Lola today titled I’m Just Not That Into My Kid These Days. She wrote: “I have a confession, I’m not sure I like the person that my son became this past week.” Apparently, her nearly three year-old, Lou, had been home sick with a bad cold, and over the course of the four days off from school, both mom and son “started to get a little crazy” with the boy “constantly testing and absolutely not listening.” She ended it with a cry for help.
Well, help has arrived. Here is Gunc’s 5-point strategy for dealing with a home-based, three year-old insurrection, and your own sense of not really liking your kid.
1) Confess: It’s great to admit your frustration to someone (besides your child); it helps relieve the tension. And it’s particularly useful to tell someone like the G.U. because a) He’s an expert b) He thrives on familial conflict and c) He can use these disclosures as fodder for a column.
2) Butt Out: Welcome to the core struggle of three year-olds, the age at which kids become cognizant of their abilities and their limitations, bringing a painful awareness of how their desires contrast with their skill set, and creating a toxic cycle of need, vehemence, and failure. Give your child space to attempt things themselves, and let them know (once!) that you’re there if they need help. But be aware that P.I. (Parental Insertion) is often fuel for the fire–even if you’re just trying to validate their vexation. Practice butting out. Your child needs to get past their frustration threshold in order to figure out where it is and what it means.
3) Loose Strength: The flip side of this is the need to remain consistent about discipline. Be proactive: set up your expectations, parameters, and repercussions in advance, and stick to them. But plan on providing a little extra space and time–one more warning, one more minute–than usual.
4) Sick Sympathy: We all tend to lash out when we feel crappy. (Have you ever visited someone in the hospital?) Illness exacerbates all of the above issues–particularly our frustration threshold. With nose-blows, expect blow-back.
5) Break Out: Imagine how you would feel if you were forced to stay home alone with your mom for a week? Your 3 year-old is used to a correlative measure of freedom at school, and being stuck home as the helpless victim of your caretaking runs counter to the pride and independence their regular life brings. Also remember that young kids thrive on routine, and a break like this is a disruption on every level. Returning to school should help. But your kid might also benefit from some extra time away from you. Plan a playdate, hire a sitter, send them to the movies with their Guncle.