Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle is headed to Chicago yet again, which means he had to call his special soon-to-be-parent friends John and Mary. You may remember them–or at least Mary’s vagina–from an earlier piece.. Well, they’re now just a couple weeks away from having their baby, which–as you know–means it could begin forging its way outside at any time. This means that, when John–who is currently unemployed–is called at 9:30 at night by a good friend who has just been laid off and asked to go to a bar to drown their collective sorrows, Mary nods with anxious understanding, clutches her enormous belly, and says, “I don’t think I’ll join”. It also means that three martinis into the proceedings, when John and his friend decide to go to a strip club–which just happens to be a BYOB strip club–and they pop by John’s house in order to pick up some booze just as Mary is getting into bed, she delivers a tangibly scolding look. “O-kay, John,” she says with inordinate calm, “but please do me a favor and keep your phone on vibrate, just in case I have a baby while you’re out.” Finally, it means that when John proceeds to get drunk enough at The Pink Monkey to tell this story to anyone who will listen, he eventually works his way through the entire patronage and staff and finds himself delivering his monologue to the bathroom attendant, who doubles over with laughter and–in a stunning role reversal–nearly has to have cold water splashed on him. “Whoo-ee,” the attendant finally manages. “When your wife has a baby and you’re in The Pink Monkey, you know you’re not gonna’ be a good daddy.”