Shrieking Granny Justice II

The Gay Uncle spent another lovely day in the company of in-laws today, hiking through some brushy woods down to a ice cold stream, where he and the other nine family members were feasted upon by an endless swarm of deerflies and horseflies for several hours. On the way home, fed up with being trapped in the car, and full from a roadside meal, he and his sister-in-law Lizzie and his youngest niece Daphne decided to get out walk down the 1/2 mile driveway leading up to their rental house. Being sporting, Lizzie challenged the seven year old to a race, which, about six bounds in, led to the girl doing a giant stomach-skidding, knee-and-elbow shredding, face-plant in the dusty gravel. Obviously, crying ensued, and the kid was rushed back into the car for the rest of the trip. “Daphne,” Gunc’s mother-in-law said sternly after traveling about ten feet with the weeping girl. “If you want to continue that crying, you are going to need to cry silently, without making any noise.” The Gay Uncle finds this instruction intriguing, as he believes that one of the core cathartic properties of crying comes from its howling/bawling aspect. But Episcopalians must think different. “Your crying is making me nervous,” grandmother Sarah explained, “and I can’t drive when I’m nervous.” What will Granny propose next? Mouthless chewing? Armless handstands? Wheelless bicycling? Your guess is as good as Guncs.