Author: Brett

Ford Motor Company announced today that it will include this, its patented Youth Integrated Individual Piñata technology (Yii-P), into the rear seats of all of its 2011 minivans, crossovers, and SUVs. According to Ford spokesperson Martin Doucheire, “kids these days” require new and novel forms of entertainment when in a vehicle. “Recent consumer research suggests that young children are bored with watching the same old shit Disney DVDs you’ve been showing them. With this new development, we add another compelling, attention-grabbing format to the in car amusement options.” Doucherie went on, “Plus, with the Hispanic market growing, and those people having so many kids, it’s a win-win.”

It wasn’t exactly clear how the proper quantity of cheap, stale candy is to be inserted into the inflated contraption–the press release said something about blowing it through the belt buckle using “good old-fashioned lung power” (though it advised strongly against doing so when a child is in the seat, in order to avoid “unnecessary liability”). But the manufacturer’s information packet did go into some detail regarding the proper implements for extracting it, recommending the use of items like “broom handle, police baton, pointed stick, or severed doll arm” but suggesting users stay away from things like “screwdriver, hunting knife, archery equipment, or any firearms.” It also noted that the technology is single use–though refills are available at Ford dealerships at a “moderate cost”–and can be covered in a variety of tacky and cliche crepe paper animal forms.

Visit my car blog, Stick Shift at VanityFair.com for more important automotive coverage.

[Photo Credit: Ford Motor Company]

You may remember my two big gay moms from this piece I wrote, or from the New York Times cover story in which they were featured last week. Well, if that wasn’t enough, they had their wedding this weekend, and The Advocate sent a reporter to cover it. This reporter also took photos. Prepare yourself for full-on fabulousness.

Click here.

[Photo Credit: Julie Bolcer]

Lauren Myracle’s new kids book Love Ya Bunches was turned down by the Scholastic Book Fairs because one of the fifth grade characters in the book has two moms. The Gay Uncle calls Bullshit on this, and interviews Lauren all about what happened and how it’s changing, in a piece he wrote for Momlogic.

Check it out.

One of the Gay Uncle’s readers recently posed an interesting series of questions regarding how folks will be dealing with the spookiest of scary holidays this year. Since her inquiries truly…piqued Gunc’s interest, he thinks her missive is worth quoting in its entirety.

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard, but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

Since there are so many different ideas and concerns included here, the G.U. is going to try to address them one at a time.

1) “Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween?” Well, Gunc and his boyfriend are planning on sitting in a friend’s new hot tub, getting wasted, and watching zombie movies on a big screen using said friend’s new DVD projector. Their “safety precautions” will include having plenty of towels and robes around in case any kids drop by. They’re hoping this will keep them from spending the weekend in jail.

2) “My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors.” The G.U. asked a brutally intelligent mom friend who chairs a commission on childhood sexual abuse about this one, and she said that folks should definitely be aware of any sex offenders that live in their neighborhood, though she cautioned–with a commendable degree of rationality–that “convicted and released sex offenders are the tippy-tippy-top of the mountain of risk in terms of children and abuse. Nearly 90% of kids who are abused are molested by family members.” She went on, “There is no way to absolutely ensure that your child is safe. Do what you can, within reason, but remember that accepting the presence of risk is part of life.”

3) “Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween.” The Gay Uncle would like to point out that there are a number of factors that may have potentially been involved in this boy’s illness other than the endemically infectious nature of the holiday. First, Halloween comes during a season called “Fall”, the time of year when children return to the Petri Dish/Germ Pool of school, when the weather often vacillates wildly between warm and cold, and when kids frequently O.D. on sugar, all of which tend to compromise their immune systems. Gunc is willing to bet that the boy wasn’t Roofied, dosed, or a victim of bio-terrorism, but that he caught a bug from a classmate, refused to wear his coat over his Wonder Woman costume, and/or simply ate one too many pounds of candy corn. Next question.

4)“I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door” Given the lax standards for admission to most churches, and the number of sinners that come through them on a weekly basis, the Gay Uncle would like to posit that the basements and rec rooms of such locales likely have a higher infectious bacteria count than subway poles, kitchen sponges, or gas station toilet seats combined. (While cleanliness is next to godliness, the reverse is not necessarily true.) And the whole bobbing for apples thing that often takes place at these festivals–while ultimately resulting in a lower sugar intake than T-or-T-ing–requires immersing your child’s vulnerable oral and nasal passages in warm, germy, kiddie-face water. Plus, if you’re going to a church to avoid Stranger Danger, Gunc has one word of warning: Priests.

You may remember Gunc’s big gay mom from this piece he did for The Advocate about how she was trying to out-gay him. Well, as if there was any question, today, he officially concedes defeat. She and her betrothed–the legendary Ms. Terri White–and all their lesbianism, are prominently featured in an article in The New York Times. And he has to say, he’s proud. Check it out. Way to go moms. (That’s the plural form there, not the slang for the singular.)

Photo credit: NYT

It doesn’t really have anything at all to do with kids, but the Gay Uncle wanted to let you know that he has a piece in today’s L.A. Times Op-Ed page all about the remarkable similarities in the ways New Yorkers and Angelenos think about cars–as well as the tiny but important differences. Check it out.

The Gay Uncle wants to write a follow up piece to his review of Where The Wild Things Are, in which he gathers anecdotes and insights from parents who ignored his advice and brought their wee ones to see the movie. But he needs your help. Did you take your wee ones to see the movie? How did they fare? Did they cry or scream? Do they now suffer symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder? Did they need to be hospitalized? Are they perfectly normal, at least in appearance (psychic scars are often invisible)?

Go down to comments and let him know, or email him direct at GayUnclesGuide at mac dot com.

In response to his recent piece on dangerous six year-old criminal Zachary “Zach Attack” Christie, the Gay Uncle received a confession from a loyal reader. While gathering her daughter’s books and homework from her locker in order to speed the process of getting to an afterschool activity, this mom discovered “about 5 lbs of toys and Halloween decorations she took from the house without asking (god knows why, seriously, she’s in 5th grade!), and buried underneath this…[her brother’s] pocket knife!.” Since Gunc is what we call a “mandated reporter”, he wrote right back with some advice. “I’ve already called the police and DSS. That bitch is going to JAIL.” Thinking a bit further about his position as a child development expert, however, he soon reconsidered and provided some real direction.

He went on a whole long-winded and very detailed description of how to approach the situation, including suggestions for what to say, how firm to be, how to provide positivist direction, and means for making the kid think she wasn’t being constantly surveilled. Apparently, Gunc went overboard. “Oh, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was at a loss on the knife issue,” the mom wrote, “though I do appreciate your sage advice…. Blah blah blah. This was a minnow compared to the other fish we’re frying with her.” The G.U. vows to try to zip it in the future. Right after he gets off the phone with DSS. Now he’s sending them both to jail.

The Gay Uncle braved a torrential downpour, hipsters in footie pajamas, and the fear that another iconic piece of literature would be forever sullied or ruined, to go see a midnight show of Where the Wild Things Are last night. His verdict? Well, click on over to the review he wrote for Vanity Fair and find out.

Let the wild rumpus start.

The Gay Uncle has ended up in some weird places in his peripatetic life, but he never expected to find himself in The Breeze, the student newspaper for James Madison University, a small college in rural Virginia. Support Whitten Maher, the author, and his impassioned plea for LGBT equality by clicking over.