Brett Berk

You have to see this video to believe it: Toyota’s secret (a cappella) weapon for keeping the sticky accelerator pedal gods away from their family-orientated minivan. Check it out.

Turns out, the in-home gender test was wrong–fouled up by the interference of some recent intercourse–and Gunc’s sister Roxy and brother-in-law Nick are not having a fifth girl, but are instead going to be giving birth to a boy. This raises two questions. First, what are they going to name the baby? You may recall that the G.U. was recently charged (or recently charged you, his loyal readers) with finding a proper soft-G sounding girls name to honor Nick’s recently departed dad, the late great Grandpa George. Well, we’d like to thank you for all your help, but nevermind. Now, the moniker selection process is all muddled up in the kinds of familial honoring practices that require Goyim to choose among five or six boys’ names (James, Robert, William, etc.) without using the same one twice in a generation, and George is apparently already taken by some roided-out Military nephew of Nick’s. It’s all very boring–and you know the Gay Uncle hates boring shit–so he’s just standing by. The more important question is the second one: how are we going to guarantee that the kid comes out queer? Having only had and dealt with girl children, and having grown up surrounded by three cruel brothers, Gunc’s sister is terrified of traditional boy energy, and told him that she can only deal with the infant if he can guarantee it will be gay. The G.U.’s trusty ward (boyfriend) Uncle Tal has already offered to give the kid his Dapper Dan doll, to which he credits his own limp-wristedness (that and being taken to see Gone With the Wind with his mom and sister instead of a Toronto Maple Leafs game with his dad and brother when he was 8). But being an expert in Child Development, the Gay Uncle knows that sexuality starts much earlier than the age at which one begins selecting which sporting events to attend, or choosing a stuffed companion one can dress and undress in little leatherette vests and booties. You have to get to them while they’re still inside! He’s thinking a prenatal immersion in the Four Gs–Gossip Girl, Glee , and Gaga–might help, so he’s sending over some downloads. (Then again, living in a house with four girls, three of whom are tweens/teens, the little faggot is likely to be exposed to this stuff in spades already.)

So Gunc needs your help. Any suggestions for gilding the lily would be greatly appreciated. Provide them in COMMENTS below.

What does Barack’s State of the Union speech really mean for The Gays? The Gay Uncle lets you know, online in Vanity Fair. Check it out, here.

In case you missed the series of exciting posts by The Gay Uncle’s alter ego–author of Vanity Fair’s online automotive column Stick Shift–during the North American International Auto Show in Detroit, here’s a link where you can get all of them in one place. You will never look at cars the same way again. Click and be converted.

The Gay Uncle receives many requests–from makers of worthless kids products, from self-published children’s book authors, from insane people with “ideas” about how to change the world in three simple steps–asking if they can feature their wares here, on this, one of the most influential parenting websites in the blogoverse. But every so often, he gets something from someone he actually knows, and decides to allow cronyism to rule. This casting call below is from someone with whom he used to work, and it’s legit. If you think your family is fucked up enough to have their own reality program, or you know someone whose is, get in touch with my pal Ani. ani@iconiccasting.com

NOW CASTING FABULOUS, OUTRAGEOUS AND FUNNY FAMILIES FOR A NEW DOCUSERIES, “MY FAMILY”¯. MAJOR CABLE NETWORK is searching for a large, extended and multi-generational family to be the stars of their own comedy reality show. We”re looking for funny families that REDEFINE THE TRADITIONAL and BREAK THE MOLD of your typical ……ho-hum American household. This show will document their lives and explore the family”s complexity while witnessing the craziness, chaos and love that makes their family special. If your family puts the FUN in dysFUNctional, then this is the show for you!!! Tell us about you and your family. The good, the bad and the ugly.

EMAIL ALL INFO TO ANI@ICONICCASTING.COM
All Family Names, ages and occupations.
A brief bio about your immediate and extended family.
Include a family photo(s).
Contact Phone numbers for the main contact in each family.

In his role as Vanity Fair’s online Fun&Faggy editor, the Gay Uncle looks at his second-favorite show, GLEE, and its success at the Golden Globes, and offers a few pointers for how the program can not spiral into sophomore or sophomoric slumpdom. Check it out.

This week, in his MOMLOGIC column, the Gay Uncle muses on how those little (and big) bruises your child is always acquiring might make you look when you’re yelling at them in the grocery store, and wonders if you have ever been in a situation in which you’ve been thusly misinterpreted. Check it out.

The Gay Uncle’s sister Roxy is pregnant again, and she’s faced with a curious dilemma. Her husband’s father recently passed away and they want to give the child a name that will honor his memory. Though he was a senior officer in the military, they’ve ruled out Lieutenant, Captain, General and Jointchiefsofstaff. But given that the recently deceased grandfather’s name was George, they’re considering something related to this. The real issue is, the kid is going to be a girl. Hubby Nick is thus campaigning for Georgia, but Roxy feels torn about this name. (It’s a hick name, right?) “If we name her Georgia, people are going to make fun of her,” she said on the phone the other day. “People are going to make fun of her no matter what,” Gunc replied. “And by people, I mean, me.” The G.U. suggested they find another name in the G family. But in putting their heads together, the world’s #1 Guncle and his #1 sis failed to come up with a single viable soft g-sound option. Gina, Gena, Gene, Genesis, Genet, Giovanna, Gesine, Gianna, Gigi, Gypsy, Gyzzmo. They all suck.

So, he’s reaching out to you, his dear readers, to help out. Any suggestions?

The Gay Uncle plays his least favorite role–that of expert–once again in the Chicago Tribune, this time tackling the topic of keeping a five year old from peeing during the night. Or, more specifically, teaching a mother how not to encourage her five year old to pee during the night. Don’t worry, this keen bed wetting alarm (pictured to the left) is NOT involved.

Check it out here.

Should this be the Stick Shift 2.0 icon? Looks a bit like a salad toss. (Or something…lesbian.) What’s it look like to you?

[Photo Credit: The Car Lounge/Jalopnik]