The Gay Uncle is at his house upstate today, enjoying a writers’ retreat with his boyfriend Tal. Occasionally, they get up from the computer and go outside. This affords G.U. the opportunity to wander around in something called “nature”. At this time of year–the season of regeneration and rebirth–it also allows him to view animal babies. He never took biology in high school, so he’s not at all sure how geese or fish or turtles reproduce (nor does he really want to know: all that feathery/scaly/shelly fucking? Ew!) but suddenly their children are everywhere. He supposes there’s something sort of pleasant about this intractable cycle, and he’s always happy to see the newborn goslings and fishlings and turtlings flopping around in the lake, attempting to learn to breathe or swim while their parents float blithely nearby avoiding the spectacle, sunning themselves or eating mud. (Just like a New York City playground!) But, he can’t help but think of the wee ones’ vulnerability. A few springs ago, the goose homestead was attacked by an eagle, and he and Tal had to watch as the big raptor dive-bombed the nest. Another problem G.U. cites with baby geese (aside from their propensity to poo on his dock) is the inevitability of their becoming what he calls “teenagers”. Anyone who’s read a nursery rhyme knows goose infants are super-cute and cuddly, but they grow so goddamn fast that they go through their awkward adolescent phase within like a week, and get all disproportionate and mangy (think, Chelsea Clinton in the White House years). Gunc supposes this happens to fish and turtles too, but they fortunately remain invisible to him under the water.
Next nature report: Baby Beavers Look Like they’re made of Leather!