Tick Check

The Gay Uncle’s close friends, and parental whipping posts, Kate and Dylan came upstate for a visit this weekend, bringing along their adorable kids Max (nearly 6) and Athena (3). Fortunately for the Guncles’ sleep patterns, a friend with an empty country house nearby offered to put the family up there, allowing a win-win situation: hanging out with the parents as late as possible at Chez Empty once the kids were in bed, and then being able to retreat home to sleep and sleep in. Oh yeah, and being able to get rowdy with the little tykes without worrying about breaking any of the Gay Uncles’ shabby but beloved crap. The first daytime activity was a trip to a local swimming hole on the River, which entailed taking a short walk through tall grass. Urbanites to the core–both New York natives–Kate and Dylan were worried about bugs. Fortunately, they also have ADD and forgot to be worried during the trip, focusing more on keeping their tots from being washed downstream by the strong current. But this concern came alive again when they were performing the children’s bedtime ritual. “I have to check you for ticks,” Kate said once she’d finished reading them their stories. “And they say it’s particularly important to check your genitals–your private parts.” The wee ones lit up at this opportunity–Mommy’s going to tickle our fancies?–and once they’d enjoyed their first check, Athena insisted on a repeat. “You need to check me again,” she said, smiling slyly. This catalyzed a need for another check for Max as well. “You checked her again,” he burbled, pointing at his penis “now you need to check me again.” Oneupmanship followed. “You checked him more times than me! Again.” “Now you checked her four times, and me only three!” “You need to check me again, mommy!” “Mommy!” Finally, Kate had had enough. “You’re done. There are no ticks. Now go to bed.” She came out of the bedroom and grabbed her margarita. “I don’t know who’s more perverted, him, or her.” The G.U. shrugged. “Kids are pleasure seekers. It’s human nature. Would you turn down the opportunity? In fact,” he turned to Tal, and smiled lasciviously. “Maybe you should check me…?”