Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle is angry about so many things right now, most of them having to do with the Republicans and their vile Hate-Fest in the Mid-West. (Favorite moment: the “spontaneous” chant in response to Rudy Ghoul-iani’s invocation of the need to tap oil reserves in protected regions: Drill Baby Drill! Drill Baby Drill! Are these people out of their fucking minds, or what?) But one thing he’s decidedly NOT angry about is a little song his nine year-old niece Amber made up. It goes like this:

Everybody has a secret
My secret is, I made out with a sturgeon fish
It’s much better than a cuttlefish
Da-da-da-da-da-da. Doo-doo-doo.

Of course, while he’s not mad about this ditty, he does have some concerns. First, Gunc has seen cuttlefish close up during his recent trip to the Caribbean, and he thinks they’re kind of adorable (see photo on left). Sturgeon, on the other hand, are scaly, angular, and vaguely pre-historic looking, like a bad Brutalist rendering of a sea creature (see photo on right). So he’s uncertain of his niece’s taste in aquatic kissing partners. Secondly, he wonders why she’s writing a song about the distinctions between kissing these two fish in the first place. (He thinks it may be a result of his taking her to the Key West Aquarium some years back; that, and Finding Nemo.) Finally, it should be noted that in the illustrated lyric sheet included with this song, niece Amber drew the following: a picture of herself in mid-pucker, a plus sign, a picture of a sturgeon, a picture of a cuttlefish with a red-slashed no-symbol through it, an equals sign, and a picture of a half-fish/half-human boy, leaving the G.U. confused about what exactly happened between his niece and the plated bottom dweller. He believes that people should be able to sing about whatever they want, but he does not want any piscine Bristol Palin-type shenanigans going on in his family.