Brett Berk

One of the Gay Uncle’s loyal readers dropped him a line this weekend to tell him the story of her recent shopping trip to Costco, and he thought it was worth it to share it with you, not only because it’s hilarious, but because it occurred in the suddenly-important state of Alaska. While wandering the aisles, this early childhood professional noticed a pair of moms, each with a three or four kids–and piles of junk food–in their carts. The kids seemed cute at first, but as she kept encountering them in the store (frequently near the free-sample stations), they became increasingly…less cute. As did the moms, who began scolding them repeatedly for infractions such as riding on the back of the cart, or poking the shrink-wrapped chicken thighs. Finally, Gunc’s reader felt like she’d lost them (she figured they were distracted by the supersized smoothie station). But as she was loading her groceries into her vehicle, she spotted them again in the parking lot. Their SUVs were right next to one another, and while one of the moms had her kids all buckled down into their seats, the other one decidedly did not, and they were running around freely in the cab of the enormous truck while mommy tried ineffectually to get them to be seated. Then suddenly, this mother of the free-range children suddenly became even more agitated and started shouting at her little rugrats, “Cut it out…don’t touch…stop it! I said don’t touch that GODDAMMIT SIT IN YOUR SEAT…stop it. Please stop it. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”. At about the second “my”, the G.U.’s fan turned to see the SUV slowly rolling toward a construction fence, with Mom running alongside it, pulling on the locked passenger door handle. Fortunately for everyone, the vehicle stopped itself…by running gently into the fence. Strangely (or tellingly) the other mom seemed not to worry or get involved, signaling to the onlookers that this was not the first time something like this had happened.

Always one for lessons, the Gay Uncle asked his reader what she thought the lesson of this story was. She said the following:
“Um…if you are going to be a dip and let your child play in the car:
1. Set the parking brake or use wheel chucks (or)
2. Bring a friend who can run fast and who has decent upper body strength so s/he can help stop the car if it gets away?

Gunc feels like he agrees. But feel free to let loose with other lessons.