Barky Obama

Now that Barack has finally been elected–an objective the Gay Uncle has been actively supporting since 2006–he faces a number of extremely difficult tasks: choosing members of his transition team; selecting qualified people to run the governmental departments currently led by incompetents, antagonists, and party hacks; and burying the Republicans in a shitstorm so deep that the GOP will need to change its nick-name. But no challenge will be as large as fulfilling the immense promise he made on the stage in Grant Park the other night: getting his daughters Malia and Sasha a puppy.

Gunc usually says, if you”re considering a pet, start small. It cuts on the initial investment (cost-wise and emotionally) and if the pet dies (which it eventually will) it’s easier to replace. At the pre-school he ran, he had a policy excluding pets bigger than his hand, ones that had fur, or anything that needed to be taken home during vacations, leaving a horde of snails””all bred, hermaphroditically from a pair found under a slide at the playground–as the classroom mascot. The kids used to delight in letting the molusks slither up their arms, and watching them eat cucumber with the toothy mouth on the underside of their foot. Because they lived, mated, gave birth, and died with amazing alacrity, they were a great life cycle demonstration as well. They also make their own gravestones when they perish, leaving behind their calcified shell.

But Gunc generally feels that a living object like a pet should never be used as a bribe or reward. Such a practice, he suspects, falls into the category of Bad Karma. So he fears a bit for the ju-ju in the Obama’s new home. (Fortunately, this can be offset with some good Feng Shui. The G.U. suggests moving that quilted blue couch in the Oval Office about ninety degrees to the left, burning a smudge stick in any room Dick Cheney ever entered, and adding tons and tons of donkey figurines and fresh lilies.) At any rate, since it’s clearly too late for Barack to reneg on this canine campaign pledge, Gunc recommends–as with any new addition to a child’s life–that consistent and actionable structures need to be set up prior to the pooch”s arrival. Both girls are clearly old enough to perform daily caregiving tasks like feeding the puppy, taking it for a walk, and bathing it. But perhaps most importantly, it will be imperative to assign them the prestigious job of cleaning up its poo. Michelle has plenty of her own minefields to navigate. The Secret Service doesn’t need any additional duties (groan.) And the White House has been full of shit for long enough.

Gunc would also like to suggest that in order to get their total “buy-in” the girls be involved in naming the pet. Dogs’ names are often derived from the animal’s shape, color, or behavior (e.g. Pretzel, Goldie, Pissy-Puddles) so he doesn’t want to jump the gun on making recommendations. But he kind of likes the moniker Sarah Palin for a bitch.