The Hand-Off
Written by Brett, Posted in General & Random
The Gay Uncle had dinner with his friends Lola and Jacob last night, and got to visit with their adorable three year-old son Lou as well (their baby, Jonah, was asleep). Once the kids were both in bed and the drinking could finally begin in earnest, the conversation turned, as it often does at these gatherings (at least for a while, before the G.U. can steer things back to more interesting topics like celebrity gossip, or how cute kittens are) to child-rearing. More specifically, it focused on the age-old issue for stay-at-home-parents like Lola: how to handle the transitional moment, after dealing with the kids all day, of passing the buck to your partner/spouse. The Gay Uncle likes to call this, The Hand-Off.
Though they hadn’t really requested Gunc’s advice, he began digging anyway, hoping to uncover some festering conflict that would further enliven the evening. Turns out the big issue was decompression. After putting in a full day at their jobs, they both just want some down time. “I want to lie on the couch for ten minutes and clear my head,” Jacob said. “Me too!” Lola echoed. But then she turned to her husband. “Don’t you get that on the train-ride home?” Jacob squinted. “Commuting is not relaxing. It’s battle.”
The G.U. decided that he could make a FORTUNE madam-ing a squad of Hand-Off nannies that zipped in during this time and allowed everyone to hit refresh. But while he’s awaiting his Stimulus Package grant for that project, he suggested they sit down and come up with a list of what needs to happen during that time, and how they can divide the labor fairly to give everyone a break. Jacob nodded. “I’m sure if we sat down one time, we could solve it.” Then he glanced at his wife in a way that seemed to imply that this process would be akin to the one-time “solution” enacted by Pandora in opening her eponymous box, and promptly changed the subject.
So how do you handle The Hand-Off? Let us know in COMMENTS below.
Before the ” hand off” let your partner that just walked in the door take a nice shower and 5-10 minute breather. It makes a world of difference.
Take the time to talk about the days events and how cute your baby is.
At our house, there is only about 30 minutes between him coming home and then I have to leave for work. Its all about time management.
There are a two things that make it impossible to do this smoothly.
Brazelton says that late in the afternoon children experience what he calls “the disintegration of the personality” and claims that parents tend to begin to disintegrate at the same time. The stay-home parent is in crisis mode by the time the working stiff comes in. Stay Home has survived the meltdown and is attempting to get the dinner routine going. To accept that Working Stiff is the one who needs some down time—I don’t think so.
There is also an unspoken and often unrecognized expectation that when one parent is with a child and other parent joins the dynamic, things are going to get easier. This is not a reality-based expectation. As we all know, you end up with a room full of people who all want something from everyone else and what results is a cobweb of frustrations.
I suggest taking turns. Out of the 5 work nights Stay Home walks out the door and goes to the movies the moment Working Stiff arrives. The movies are perfect. You get to sit still for a couple of hours and know one asks you for anything. Two nights Working Stiff gets to lay down and decompress and then one parent plays with the kid while the other makes dinner. The fifth working night is a trade-off with a friend–you take turns dropping off your kid from 4 to 7:30. One week Stay Home and Working Stiff get down time without it being at the expense of the other the next week they have food fights with the kids.