Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle read a press release recently that conjoined two of his core interests–kids, and cars–in a novel way. (In case you weren’t aware, the G.U.also writes Stick Shift, Vanity Fair’s weekly online car column.) It seems that On-Star, General Motors’ special satellite-linked concierge service, is now partnering with the Poison Control Center, so that in addition to being able to receive turn-by-turn directions on how to get from your driveway to your kid’s school, or to locate the closest McDonald’s during a “McNugget Emergency”, the little blue button G.M. places on the rim of your rear-view mirror can now connect you with experts who can let you know what to do in case your child devours an entire bottle of gummy vitamins, experiments with consuming the ice-melter pellets you keep in the back of the minivan (mmm, Dippin Dots!), or decides to find out first hand just why mommy so loves to chug this milkshakey looking goo called Bailey’s Irish Cream. Why would On-Star do something like this? Well, according to their research, since people are spending more time in their vehicles–including consuming a larger percentage of their meals in there–in-car toxic events are becoming quite common. And risky!! The G.U. thinks this is another example of whipping consumers (read: Parents) into a frenzy–feeding into the impossible and impossible-to-achieve expectation that you can protect your child from everything, all the time–in the hope that they’ll subscribe to the service. But maybe people feel comforted knowing that there’s an incompetent operator just a touch away, who can tell you whether to pop a Heimlich, administer bicarbonate of soda, or simply induce vomiting.