Perfect Baby Book Giveaway…for FOOLS!
Written by Brett, Posted in General & Random
It’s April Fools’, our nation’s stupidest holiday! You heard right. While the Gay Uncle loves jokes, he hates surprises. And since most April Fools’ jokes hinge on shock and revelation, he finds them tedious (Oh my god! You mean my mom wasn’t really hit by a car?). The one exception he makes for this holiday is with kids. Kids LOVE surprises, shock, and revelation; these tactics feed their burgeoning understanding of narrative. So when he taught preschool, he used a standard April Fools’ taunt, wherein, when the kids came back from washing up for the morning snack, instead of fresh fruit, whole grain crackers, and juice, they would find plates of pebbles, baskets of leaves, and pitchers of mud. Imagine the hilarity that ensued. (Of course, the G.U. would have already introduced the idea of April Fools’ and what it means prior to this, so the kids didn’t think he really expected them to eat this shit.)
Which brings him to the point of today’s message. Gunc’s “friend” (and by that, he means Facebook Friend) Dale Hrabi has written a humorous book called “The Perfect Baby Handbook” which just came out last week. Dale’s publicist fucked up and didn’t send a review copy, so Gunc has no real details to share. But suffice it to say that, based on the title, and a few witty mass-emails he’s received from Dale, the Gay Uncle estimates that the book is at least a 7+ on funny spectrum. So, in celebration of Dale, his book, and this “holiday”, the G.U. will be giving away three copies. All you have to do is tell him about the best prank you ever played on your kid. It doesn’t even have to be an April Fools’ prank. Any everyday lie, cheat, or intentional misconstruing will do, so long as it is hilarious. Gunc will pick the three best ones, and get Dale’s publicist to ship (or perhaps not ship) a copy to you! So, have at it in COMMENTS below.
This is NOT A JOKE. Gunc will really be giving away copies of this book. So submit your stories.
Sincerely
TheGayUncle
Hey, Brett! Hard to decide on one for this, because every day at our house goes like this:
Awaken.
Bathe.
Eat.
Hilarity ensues.
So, here are my favorite pranks (played on Steph, her age at the time included at the start of each):
(8) While we were checking out AK, Steph stayed with Papa. He asked her what she wanted to do during her visit. They wrote each down (Disneyland, LegoLand, Knotzi Berry Farm, Zoo, etc.), put each one in an envelope (this was years before being Green was Cool) and went to sleep. In the morning, Stephanie picked one envelope. It said “Disney Cruise”. They all said “Disney Cruise”. Papa had switched them all after she fell asleep. She was furious. She got better with it once they got on the boat and Aaron Carter was there.
(13) Put a creepy doll painting (large) in her bedroom at night. She woke up in the morning and shrieked in terror, because who wouldn’t?
I hope you get a ton of great entries for this!
Leah
Does inventing the “pacifier fairy” count? She (he?) came during naptime and took away all the “zappers,” leaving a coloring book in their place.
Best punk’d kid story happened to my sister long long ago. My dad put her on top of the fridge and then pretended to go off to dinner. She panicked, jumped and hit her head. The doctor said it was a mild concussion; my parents asked if there was brain damage. Doc said, “when she’s 21, if she votes Republican, there was brain damage.”
You can guess the end of that story…and it’s a younger brother’s sacred duty never to let her forget it.
My niece was 6 when she moved to NH and met Fluff for the first time. At first she was skeptical — they’d had no such white gooey stuff in SC where she’d lived before. But then she discovered how tooth-rottingly sweet it is (this she found out through the fluffernutter sandwiches offered in her elementary school’s lunches — but they’re on wheat bread, in a nod to “nutrition,” I suppose).
She was excited to introduce Aunt Jennifer to her new find – and thrilled that I knew what Fluff is really made of: snowman snot. According to my sister-in-law, my niece completely bought it and went to school to tell ALL her friends (where at least some of the first grade accepted it as true).
Will look forward to reading more good pranks (not mere messing-with-minds).
-Jennifer
My family and I live in Miami. Last summer we told the kids we were going to visit friends in NY, like we do every summer, and we’d be staying there 10 days (NB: we never stay more than 4 days anywhere, per the adage).
On the 2nd day we were there, our friend offered to drive us & luggage to another friend’s home. Our 9 year old is busily guessing the names of friends we might be seeing. On the way there we drove up the West Side Highway, past where the cruise ships are. Since we live in Miami, we often drive past these ships and know them by name. The 9 year old has even been on several of these ships as a (free) passenger when my parents go on the ship’s overnight maiden voyage (which is a benefit for United Way). He’s matter-of-factly saying “look, there’s the Norweigan Dawn.” I do work so it wasn’t odd that I had to drop off something at one of the ships. It wasn’t until I got out of the car and said “everyone out” that he made the connection: “we’re going on a cruise?” We sid yes and he was ecstatic. He was yelling at his brother and everyone else “we’re going on a cruise!!!” (Of course, the other people there were all going on a cruise, too, since it was the cruise port!) The best parts: when we told him that we were meeting friends from Denver onboard, when he asked if we’d be seeing the family we’d stayed with again (we would; they were touched that he asked) and I got the whole car ride on camera, including the “lightbulb moment.”
The “Rosie” Cruise was great, as was the rest of the vacation, but nothing beats successfully deceiving your kids.
I punk my kids every Halloween. I can’t stand watching them get doped up on sugar and chocolate after hours of trolling the neighborhood for cheap confections loaded with high fructose corn syrup and chemicals, but I do it anyway. After trick-or-treating, they are allowed to binge and eat whatever candy they can handle (without puking) all at once. Then after that, whatever is left gets put into a giant grocery bag for the “Halloween Fairy” to pick up in the middle of the night and distribute to all of those unfortunate kids who didn’t get any candy. This gets the junk out of my house, and the kids are learning that a portion of their proceeds have to go to charity (or taxes).
I know this trick won’t work forever, but I’m going to milk it for as long as possible.
At four years old my son was trying to escape out the front door with his tricycle and in the ensuingstruggle to get everyone and things back inside our new puppy slipped out the door and was promptly hit by a car and killed. Ian was inconsolable for weeks… When his beloved goldfish died a little while later, we didn’t want him to have more trauma on top of a fresh wound.
After hours of conversation about what was the right thing to do, we flushed ol’ Buddy and replaced him with what we thought was a sure-fire doppleganger.
Ian of course noticed an imperceptable differance immediatly.
He said” My goldfish has shrunk Mama!”
To which I replied, “Yes, I hear that can happen sometimes…”
“No… That can’t be good. It must be a shrinking disease. He’s dying. We’ll just have to flush him when he starts floating upside down” and walked away non-chalantly!
So much for tender childhood notions of death!
Leah, Jennifer, and Sienna are the winners. I’ll get in touch and get your mailing addresses so that you can receive your copies of the book.
Uncle Brett
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