Shrieking Granny Justice
The Gay Uncle is on vacation with his boyfriend’s family this week, which means: NEW MATERIAL. The first bit arrived this afternoon when his mother-in-law got fed up with the constant shrieking of his three car-ridden nieces, Violet, 9; Brooke, 9, and Daphne, 7. She’d already nearly lost it the night before, when the girls–just having reuinted for the first time in months–were expressing their loud, noisy, shrill but appropriately child-like joy over the re-cousinification proceedings in downstairs porch of the rental house in which they’re all staying. (Gunc and his BF are in a cabin down the hill.) But after a long drive through a nearby National Park this afternoon, Granny was notably more fed up. “If you girls do not stop that shrieking right this instant,” she lectured while the girls sat belted into their seatbelts in the rental car, “the next time you do it, I’m going to have to spank whoever shrieks. And,” she paused, for dramatic effect. “I don’t even believe in spanking.”
The Gay Uncle marveled at the logical loops of this narrative. How does one go about being forced to do something in which one does not even believe? He thought of prayer, or Republicanism. But beyond this, he pondered the probable results of implementing this disciplinary system. The girls shriek. Granny beats. The result? MORE SHRIEKING. Problem solved???