Brett Berk

VANITY FAIR, "STICK SHIFT" | THE GAY UNCLE'S GUIDE TO PARENTING

Saturday

30

January 2010

How to Make Your Fetus Gay

Written by , Posted in General & Random

dapperdan.jpgTurns out, the in-home gender test was wrong–fouled up by the interference of some recent intercourse–and Gunc’s sister Roxy and brother-in-law Nick are not having a fifth girl, but are instead going to be giving birth to a boy. This raises two questions. First, what are they going to name the baby? You may recall that the G.U. was recently charged (or recently charged you, his loyal readers) with finding a proper soft-G sounding girls name to honor Nick’s recently departed dad, the late great Grandpa George. Well, we’d like to thank you for all your help, but nevermind. Now, the moniker selection process is all muddled up in the kinds of familial honoring practices that require Goyim to choose among five or six boys’ names (James, Robert, William, etc.) without using the same one twice in a generation, and George is apparently already taken by some roided-out Military nephew of Nick’s. It’s all very boring–and you know the Gay Uncle hates boring shit–so he’s just standing by. The more important question is the second one: how are we going to guarantee that the kid comes out queer? Having only had and dealt with girl children, and having grown up surrounded by three cruel brothers, Gunc’s sister is terrified of traditional boy energy, and told him that she can only deal with the infant if he can guarantee it will be gay. The G.U.’s trusty ward (boyfriend) Uncle Tal has already offered to give the kid his Dapper Dan doll, to which he credits his own limp-wristedness (that and being taken to see Gone With the Wind with his mom and sister instead of a Toronto Maple Leafs game with his dad and brother when he was 8). But being an expert in Child Development, the Gay Uncle knows that sexuality starts much earlier than the age at which one begins selecting which sporting events to attend, or choosing a stuffed companion one can dress and undress in little leatherette vests and booties. You have to get to them while they’re still inside! He’s thinking a prenatal immersion in the Four Gs–Gossip Girl, Glee , and Gaga–might help, so he’s sending over some downloads. (Then again, living in a house with four girls, three of whom are tweens/teens, the little faggot is likely to be exposed to this stuff in spades already.)

So Gunc needs your help. Any suggestions for gilding the lily would be greatly appreciated. Provide them in COMMENTS below.

7 Comments

  1. "ROXY"
  2. Mark s
  3. Theresa
  4. Jennifer
  5. JTO
  6. Pizzacrime

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