Brett Berk

I”ve strenuously avoided cold weather sports throughout my life. This is because a) my already inadequate coordination is hugely diminished by the addition of snow or ice; b) the requisite frosty temperatures force the athletes to completely cover their bodies, curbing any interest I may have in spectating; and c) I”ve always more enjoyed the aprés portion of these kinds of games: sweaters, lodges, fireplaces, whiskey, mountainous piles of luxurious down comforters, cuddling. Still, it was hardly possible to ignore the Olympics these past few weeks (believe me, I tried.) And when forced to confront these arctic activities, I naturally found myself gravitating more toward some over others. Now that the games are finally over, check out this Post Game/Top Ten Hotness ranking of the sports featured this year in Vancouver.

10. Curling: About as sexy as watching Jackie Gleason bowl.

9. Freestyle Skiing: My mother got me this sleeping bag in 1976, but I never wore it in public, let alone as the world watched.

8. Luge: A Disneyworld Extreme Edition ride, not a sport. One of the few instances in which an athlete lying prone is not at all sexy.

7. Speed Skating: Muscular and aerodynamic, but in an unnerving Berlin Olympiad/Fascist sculpture kind of way.

6. Bobsled: Four hunky men have to squeeze into this thing. Don”t tell me they”re not touching each other.

5. Snowboarding: Borderline cute, but way too Mountain Duuude (long hair, beer, and pot titties.)

4. Hockey: The constant, frissive possibility that I might get to witness a bloody beat-down. (Bonus: many players are missing their front teeth.)

3. Figure Skating: It”s not at all sexy, but, gurrrl, you cannot deny the H-O-T-T-ness.

2. Ski Jump: Tall, skinny, spread-eagle, and soaring high above me. The stuff of dreams.

1. Biathlon: Any sport that combines buff shrink-wrapped dudes, long poles, and shooting automatically wins.