Uncle Outing

It’s not National Coming Out Day or anything, but since a reader recently asked a question that pertains to this area, the G.U. thought he’d address the issue. The reader asked about telling his young nieces and nephews that he’s gay. Since Gunc didn’t write The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Gay Uncling, it’s not a topic that’s covered in depth in his book, but there is some basic information about in in his chapter on talking to kids (there’s a bit where a parent tries unsuccessfully to explain Gunc’s sexuality to a kid in his class, with somewhat confused results.) His core advice is just to be as straightforward and concrete as possible. Kids take, have, and maintain issues with things like this when they’re presented in ways that are muddled, abstract, or side-handed. Acting like being gay is perfectly normal will let the nieces and nephews know that this is just another way in which people exist in the world. Of course, you don’t need to try and explain it too soon. (Ga-ga, goo-goo, gay-gay?) But the Gay Uncle outed himself to the three year olds in his class when questions pertaining to this came up (Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? etc.) Be clear, and frame things in a positivist perspective–tell them who you date, go out with, or are interested in dating–and connect it to their lived experience (e.g. “Just like your mom goes out with boys; so do I.” Or, “Some men have a girlfriend, some have a boyfriend. I’m one of the ones who has a boyfriend (or boyfriendS).” Or “I don’t have a girlfriend. I go out with boys. I’m actually looking for a boyfriend now. (OPTIONAL: Do you know anyone?)” Avoid any explanations that might snare in unintended consequences like “I don’t like girls”. The G.U.’s now nine year old niece has known his boyfriend since she was born, and simply considers him a normal part of the family (or as normal as Tal can be). But she’s an active advocate for gay rights. It wasn’t crammed at her in any polemical way, it was simply presented as part of her reality, and since she loves me and Tal, and knows that we love each other, she’ll rush to our people’s defense if some doofus makes an anti-gay wise-crack on the playground. “Get over it!” she’ll yell.

Of course, Gunc has an extremely supportive family. Other people’s situation might be different. But remember that regardless of what your parents, siblings, or in-laws might think, you’re entitled to have your own individual and honest relationship with your nieces and nephews. If your family prevents that from happening now, keep sending those buff beefcake birthday cards (with checks enclosed) but stay away until such time as the kids are able to take in the information independent of external influence. These kids are going to be around for a long time, and they’ll need a loving and supportive uncle at any stage of their development. But, like with any relationship, they need to be able to accept that love. If they don’t want it, save it for someone who does!

Feel free to share your tips or stories in COMMENTS, if you want.