Look at this, all of you idiot parents currently stuck in traffic and reading this blog on your iPhone. This is how moms get around in the great Pacific Northwest. The Gay Uncle received this image (minus the blurred-out face) from one of his absolute favorite readers today. This is what is called a “South-East Portland Mom-Mobile”, and it comes to you live from the land of slugs, rain, and an inspiring Obama rally that G.U. attended this past spring. Apparently, after this innovative mom’s inaugural grocery run, she was able to cart home an immense load of food on this vehicle, including a bag of ice, 2 half gallons of milk, a jug of limeade, a jar of pickles, 2 tubs of yogurt, deli meat & cheese, and 2 boxes of cereal. (G.U. says, put all that in a blender with a fifth of coconut rum, and we are talking.) The money this awesome mom saved on liquid platinum (a.k.a. gasoline) was put to good use upgrading to organic produce. And though it may not be immediately apparent, it seems that that miniature ironing board hovering above the back wheel can be used to carry a child or two. (Gunc assumes you weave their legs under the black straps.) While The Gay Uncle is currently making part of his living writing about fossil-fuel guzzling behemoths in his new Vanity Fair gay car column Stick Shift, he’s totally in favor of this kind of ingenious and inspired mom-direct enviro-action. Except for the shoes. Not that they don’t look comfortable, and not that they wouldn’t work extremely well in a damp climate. He just can’t imagine himself in a pair (he has high protruding arches and wide Barney Rubble feet.) Pedal!
Years ago, having decided that the enviornment was being destroyed by, among other things, the automobile, I gave mine up. I made daily trips to the market by bicycle, though unburdened by the equipage seen here. I carried everything in a backpack. An unforgettable moment came one winter day when I was negotiating the most dangerous intersection of the entire trip. I was carrying gallons of various liquids in the backpack when they suddenly shifted to one side. The combined weight nearly knocked me to the street! Eventually I bought a jeep. But the enviornment is worse. I moved to Manhattan. Even a bike is unnecessary.
[Oh, I forgot to say} You’re right about the shoes. I wore Doc Martins. I would have died sartorially first class.