The Gay Uncle hasn’t been to a baby shower in some time. Not because he hates baby showers almost as much as crowds, parades, and rainbows. Not because he never knows what to bring the expectant family (not a problem, he just grabs a copy of The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting off the staggering pile in his office, writes a witty inscription, and wraps it up). And not because he doesn’t enjoy watching people open up onesie after onesie and joining in a Greek chorus of fake “awwww”s. No, it’s mostly because his contemporary friends and family members have gotten too old, too tired, or too vasectomized to have kids. But every so often, someone manages to land one in the hole, so to speak. This happened to a friend in L.A. recently, and so while Gunc was out west covering the auto show as his alter ego (Vanity Fair’s Gay Car columnist) he popped by the party. He caught up with a horde of mutual acquaintances, ate a delicious deck of tiny crust-less sandwiches and chugged some expensive wines. In fact, everything was going swimmingly. Until he saw the cake. The G.U. would like someone to explain to him how an acre of pink fondant onto which is moored a tiny, naked, plastic infant being joyously suffocated under a rose-y blanket is an appropriate means of commemorating such an occasion. He awaits your responses.
Double the GLEE, Double the Glee
New Fun&Faggy Glee-cap for Vanity Fair. And it’s a killer.
Also, a piece the Gay Uncle wrote for Babble about using Glee as a teaching tool with young kids.
L.A. Auto Show
Stick Shift (the Gay Uncle’s alter ego) is at the L.A. Auto Show this week, getting wasted and ogling the goodies of the world’s car makers. If you have any interest, pop over to Vanity Fair to see what kind of mischief he’s getting into.
Thankful for New Material
Another family holiday, another profound adventure with The Gay Uncle’s excellent Brother-In-Law, Marty. You may remember the M-Man from previous escapades wherein he tried to capture a prairie dog, got into a fight with an iguana, or attempted to lure a wild donkey into the Atlantic Ocean with apples so his young daughters could ride on it. Well, during a walk in the park down in North Carolina yesterday, Marty found another yet unexplored untamed species with with to taunt his tweenage daughters and niece: a snake! Not that the girls seemed to mind all that much. This flipped a switch in the infamous B-I-L. “Sniff it,” he ordered the girls, bringing the writhing reptile up to the young ladies’ noses. “When they get scared they release a stinky musky scent.” Failing to elicit shrieks or howls, or enhanced interest, he took another tactic. He held the little serpent above the snapping mouth of niece Violet’s yapping, fat Corgi. “Marty,” wise, vegetarian, older sister (in-law) Lizzie said with mocking patience, “please do not let the dog eat that defenseless animal.”
Glee-cap III
What does the Gay Uncle have to be thankful for? Three makeovers on this week’s GLEE. And his ongoing opportunity to write about it online for Vanity Fair. He is truly blessed.
Relatively Ashamed
How do you embarrass a tweenage niece? It’s easy: simply do or say anything, and the girl will immediately become rigid with shame. It’s even easier if you’re the Gay Uncle, as this affords you the possibility of…performing in ways that draw just the kind of outre attention over which pre-teens achieve mortification. For example: flouncing down the street, making snide sotto voce comments about the outfits worn by out-of-shape tourists, trying on ridiculous accessories in the epicenter of all that is cheap garbagey and Chinese-made Claire’s, or insisting on wearing one of these items–a black velvet headband onto which a tiny black velvet top-hat had been affixed, for the rest of the afternoon (even in Starbucks, where there might be “people who know me”). But apparently the best means for discomfiting a ten year old female relative is to cave in to her most pressing desire and agree to take her to see her second screening (in as many days) of the world’s most inane teenage vampire franchise, and then spend the entire film loudly whispering and pointing out which of the characters is HOT, and why or why not. Gunc highly recommends this activity. It’s very satisfying on multiple levels.
New Mooning
The Gay Uncle’s seven tween nieces are all obsessed with a recent movie–and no, I’m not talking about Lars VonTrier’s Antichrist. It’s that one with the chaste bloodsuckers. Anyway, he was down visiting of these girls, 10.5 year-old Amber, the day the movie opened, where he learned about a cute little trick the girl’s mother–Gunc’s sister Roxy–had just played (and which you might want to try at home). While Amber was in the bathroom getting ready for the screening, Roxy told her that she’d seen the girl’s #1 heartthrob, Rob Pattinson, on the Letterman show the night before. “He revealed some very interesting information,” Rox shouted through the door. “What was it?” Amber answered, interest piqued to fissile levels. Roxy paused, for dramatic effect. “He’s gay!” Amber, having grown up with the G.U. as one of her guiding mentors, didn’t stamp her foot or attempt to argue or reject this argument on Biblical grounds, she simply put down her brush, sighed once, and said, “I knew it!”
Roxy admitted that this was all a joke. But Gunc can’t help but wonder: what was her clue?
GLEE-cap II
New episode of GLEE; new Fun & Faggy GLEE-cap from everyone’s favorite Gay Uncle.
Three Topless Hunks
Looking for even MORE of a Twilight: New Moon fix? More specifically, looking for one that has a trio of sexy topless cars matched up to a trio of sexy topless dudes from the movie? Then look no further. Click on over to the Gay Uncle’s alter-ego, Stick Shift, Vanity Fair’s gay car column, for a heap of hunk.
Here’s the link.
Purely Pro-Phthalate
This week, over at the home of all that is logical and maternal, The Gay Uncle takes apart a new study that suggests Phthalates turn boys into sissies (and questions what the hell is wrong with sissies in the first place.)