Category: General & Random

The Gay Uncle is in Chicago working on an article for the fabulous parenting magazine COOKIE, about helping a parent choose a preschool. One of the struggles his subject is going through in her selection process concerns her part-time work schedule. Her daughter is currently in an in-home care provider environment–where a nice young lady named Dawn watches over a group of three or four other kids. But given that she works only three days a week, the girl is often confused as to whether or not a particular day is one that she attends day care or not. “Is today a Dawnie day?” the girl will ask each morning. “Yes,” her mom will say. “I have to go to work.” Recently the girl has been pulling on her mother’s heart strings. “Let’s stay at home today,” she’ll say on waking up. Or, having learned about tele-commuting, she’ll suggest over breakfast that mommy “work from home.” She’s even gotten sharp about one of the core benefits work provides. “Let me see your wallet,” she said one recent morning. Mom passed over her purse, and the girl looked thumbed through. “It looks like you already have money in here,” she said. “I don’t think you need to go to work today.”

The Gay Uncle is headed to Chicago to work on an article for COOKIE magazine in which he follows a mom around as she searches out a preschool for her daughter. It’s supposed to be sort of a she said/he said (or she saw/he saw) piece, comparing what parents look for and see in an early childhood center versus what a trained educator like the G.U. spots. But it’s also going to be sort of instructional, letting parents know what kinds of questions they should be asking, and what kinds of things they should peel their eyes for, when considering a school. So here’s Gunc’s question to you: What do you want to know about picking a preschool? Let him know in the comments section below so he can be sure to look for that as he makes his rounds in the Windy City.

As we pass the end of what the Gay Uncle likes to call “Candy Season”¯””a time period that begins at Halloween and lasts through January 1st””and enter the “Dour Season”¯ of weather-based lock-down and ambitious New Year”s resolutions, he has a few thoughts on how to manage children”s intake of fun compelling garbage like sweets, snacks, and TV.

Too many parents end up locked in constant battles over these forms of mindless fun, attempting to fend off their child”s desire, or completely restrict their access. This often ends up backfiring since a) kids love a fight, as it provides them a template and opportunity for engagement, and b) absolute limitations create a countervailing””and often stronger””desire for transgression.

Everyone knows just how alluring junk can be. Everyone knows just how good it feels to indulge. And it’s the G.U.’s belief that everyone (even kids) deserve some wanton happiness. So the goal””as with most things with young children””should not be to attempt to completely quash this profound desire, but to teach your kids how to have a healthy relationship with it.

Instead of creating unconditional and unachieveable rules and expectations, try what the G.U. calls the Co-Option Option (COO). Make clear protocols about when and for what duration treats like candy, snacks, and television can be consumed, and then stick to them. If kids know that dessert comes only on weekends, that they can watch fifteen minutes of Dora once they finish their chores, or that they can eat their fill of Cheetos when they visit their Gay Uncle””and that these are the only times that such things are generally allowed””they”ll be much more likely to understand that these are “treats”¯ to be controlled and doled out in limited quantities (and regulated–first externally, then internally), and much less likely to ask for them when these requirements aren”t met.

Happy 2009! As your New Years gift, The Gay Uncle just found something brand new for you to worry about! Third Hand Smoke. According to researchers, people with kids who think that the issues related to second hand smoke can be solved by inhaling with a fan on, with the minivan window cracked, or by hiding in the bathroom behind closed doors, are ignoring all the special super-secret toxins that are clinging to their skin and clothes, which then get passed on to their beloved offspring. The G.U. knew that smokers’ hair stinks–his mom smoked More menthols for his entire childhood, even, memorably, while breastfeeding his little brother–but he didn’t know it was POISONOUS!! According to the inflammatory article he skimmed in the Times, among the substances present in third-hand smoke are “hydrogen cyanide, used in chemical weapons; butane, which is used in lighter fluid; toluene, found in paint thinners; arsenic; lead; carbon monoxide; and even polonium-210, the highly radioactive carcinogen that was used to murder former Russian spy Alexander V. Litvinenko in 2006. Eleven of the compounds are highly carcinogenic.” The article does not say anything about the dangers of hanging out in a smoky Richmond go-go-boy bar, or a cigarette-fueled Key West lounge, (or of smoking substances other than tobacco) so Gunc thinks he will plead not-guilty if he’s ever accused of having an impact on his nieces’ lifespan, mental prowess (or lack thereof), or mysterious immunity to chemical weapons. But all you smoking parents might want to invest in a good shampoo.

The Gay Uncle had a chance to visit with his LA-based friends Kate and Dylan over the holiday season, and to see their charming little buggers Max (6) and Athena (3). The kids had spent the entire day out with their old babysitter Eleini–a campaign funded by the parents to give the adults some alone time–and when they returned to the apartment that evening, they were tired, wound up, and excited. The girl was thrilled that the sitter had given her a share of the per-diem her parents had provided for the day’s festivities, stuffing about ten bucks into her chihuahua-shaped purse. “I got some dollars!” she exclaimed. This reminded the G.U. of the story of this girl’s first word. Frequently mistaken by casual listeners, who would coo and smile, She’s saying Mommy Athena’s initial utterance was less familial and more…financial. Actually, Kate would correct them, She’s saying MONEY.

But more intriguing was the boy’s response to the day. “We took three trains!” he told the gathered adults.
“Great. Wow.” the grownups calmly stated, already into their second Ketel on the rocks.
“The M train, the A train, and the 6 train,” he said, even more enlivened.
“Three trains in one day,” Gunc said. “Incredible. Can you please pass the olives?”
The boy retreated to his room to remove his winter clothes, getting tangled in his thermal shirt in the process, but when he returned, he was still stuck on this subject. “I was telling you about the trains for a reason. Because we took the M train, which is for my name, the A train, which is for my name, and the 6 train, and I’m six.”
The Gay Uncle smiled, shamed, impressed, and reminded once again that it is only in actually listening to kids, that one can truly understand their intent. Sometimes what they have to say is more interesting than one’s drink.

Because it’s pouring down snow in upstate New York, because his mother-in-law just returned from the Galapagos, and because he is already dressed in his tuxedo for the black tie New Years festivities he attends every year at the fanciest local (rural) nightclubs, the Gay Uncle is naturally thinking of…penguins. Well, also because he recently received the following note from his pal Romi Lassally, genius mom and creator/editor of the amazing site True Mom Confessions:

I gave my son a club penguin membership for X-mas and he just informed me that he’s been married several times since becoming a member. I asked if he could only marry girls and he said “of course.” Any thoughts?

As all recent polling information has proven, young people are much less homophobic than older folks–at the very least, its clear that they oppose gay marriage in much smaller numbers than their more aged cohorts. And research has proven that when homosexuality is normalized instead of problematized–through education, through personal connection with a gay friend or family member–acceptance and understanding increases exponentially. The Gay Uncle recently completed a examination of the new Queer Literature for kids (which will be published later in January) that includes an analysis of the stellar gay penguin book “And Tango Makes Three” as well as instructional sections on how to “queer up” the books and media to which your kids are exposed, a practice he used to implement to great success at the preschool he ran in New York City. (Note: many of his former students are now teenage gay rights activists.)

Club Penguin is one of the most popular sites for kids ages 6-11. Since change often begins with the young, and since the Gay Uncle believes that everyone should be able to marry whoever they want–regardless of whether they’re men, women, or animated imaginary flightless water fowl–he and Romi are starting a campaign. As a kick-off, they’re launching a Facebook Group: Civil Rights for ALL Club Penguin Penguins. Click here to join it. And, please, spread the word.

The Gay Uncle spent five nights with his in-laws last week. (Yes, F-I-V-E. Send medals.) He enjoyed about three and a half nights of quality time during this period, some of it with his three nieces. But five nights means five movies. These screenings bring the family together, allow the G.U. to drink his in-laws’ good liquor for free, and keep him out of the scary bars in his b.f.’s small Southern hometown. Screening films also provides a modicum of peace in the house each evening; without them the girls tend to spiral out into whimpering and whining, depriving the adults of any…adult time. Since it’s the only reliable way to control for the “taste” of others (his father-in-law’s Netflix selections literally consisted of: Oceans 11-13, and Wild Hogs) he and his boyfriend placed themselves in charge of the video store runs. Now that the girls are approaching the double digits, and aspiring toward even higher ages, the Guncles felt it was time to begin sharing some of their favorite teen movies. They were careful to pick films that had only the most chaste sexual content, and absolutely no violence, gore, or killing. But there was plenty of what his mother-in-law calls “cussing”. This didn’t bother Gunc in the least. He doesn’t have a problem with kids hearing swearing, or even swearing themselves so long as they do it properly, and without being injurious to others. But his sister-in-law Lizzie and infamous brother-in-law Marty seemed to take greater issue, so much so that Marty began personally censoring even mild curses like “ass” and “bitch” by screaming “BEEP” or distractingly reaching over and attempting to cover his girls’ ears, tactics that were at once annoying and ineffectual. The G.U. felt that his own method of setting standards and just letting the kids deal was much more successful, a fact that was proven out when the movie ended. “That was funny,” Lizzie said to the girls. “But what did you think of all that cursing?” Brookie, Marty’s oldest daughter, shrugged. “We hear it all the time from Mommy. We hear it all the time from Daddy. We hear it all the time from movies. We just know not to say any of it.” Chalk up another one for the G.U.’s patented method of empowering kids with the tools to analyze and understand the world, instead of trying (impossibly, unsuccessfully) to insulate them from it.

The Gay Uncle is spending the Holidays with his boyfriend Tal’s family, and is (as usual) learning a great deal about how the Christians indoctrinate their young. Apparently, his oldest niece Violet is undergoing religious training at the church near her house in North Carolina. In order to help accomplish this, her mother and step-father have purchased her an illustrated book of Bible stories, which she reads from, or is read-aloud from, some evenings. Showing an interest in her own moral upbringing, she recently requested that her mom read her one of these fables before bed. “Can you please tell me the one about that guy? The one with the blood, and the pricker bush hat, and all the nails in his hands?” Her mother squinted her eyes, disappointed with her obvious failure. “You mean JESUS? The story of JESUS!?!” The girl nodded. “Yeah. Whatever.”

In Violet’s honor, Gunc would like to wish all his Christian brothers and sisters a Merry Xmas, and a very happy 2009th birthday to “That Guy”.

Here’s a new idea whose time has come: Sanctimonious Holiday Cards. The Gay Uncle recently received a “holiday greeting” from someone he knows in Berkeley, CA the other day. It was just like all the other cards he receives in the mail every year–containing blank-faced photos of his friends standing in some highlight-of-the-year location/vacation, smiling falsely, with their brood–save two minor points:

1) It was a “first ever video card” that had been emailed to him (and a hundred other people on an OPEN CC LIST) so that instead of opening it and immediately tossing it aside, he had to watch 51 full seconds of this family’s clip reel, featuring the kinds of antics that many parents find adorable (gurgling babies, caterwauling toddlers) but most anyone on the outside would simply find tedious.
2) The email message to which it was attached featured the following smug line: “in lieu of a printed card we decided to go the paper-free route this year” letting everyone who actually mailed a physical card this year know that their efforts are contributing to destroying our beautiful world. It’s kind of like saying “Merry Christmas! You’re doing it wrong!”

The Gay Uncle was recently complaining to a colleague about how the holidays run at his in-laws house. He has three nieces on his boyfriend’s side, and in years past, the Christmas morning present-opening routine has been marked not by cheer, warmth, and love, but rather by infighting (“I like the green skirt! Why did she get the green skirt?”), ingratitude (“Is that all the presents?”), interjection (“Waaaaaah!!!), and–immediately upon the cessation of wrapping-ripping–inciting inflamation (“I’m bored.) So Gunc told his co-worker that, this year, he’s boycotting all present giving. Instead, he said, he’s making extra donations to charity in his nieces’ honor (Habitat for Humanity, a Food Bank, Planned Parenthood). “It’s no Wii,” he said, “but I feel much better about it.”

Gunc smiled smugly, anticipating affirmation. But the look on his colleague’s face spoke volumes. It said: Brett, you are a bitter little bitch. Which brought up two cyclically-interrelated questions in the G.U.’s children’s media-addled brain:

1) Is the Gay Uncle a Scrooge?
2) Is Scrooge McDuck a Gay Uncle?

What do you think? Let him know in COMMENTS below…