Confess and you shall be Answered…by the Gay Uncle. Read Gunc’s helpful tips on how to rid your child of an irritating Binky habit. Also effective for most other annoying appendage addictions.
Here’s the link: http://www.truemomconfessions.com/clean-blogroll/view.php?id=79
You know what the Gay Uncle hears all the time from the members of his million-plus fan base? Adorable stories about their kids’ activities: My two year old daughter said fuck in the middle of church services. My son let his Tonka truck run into our street, causing a three car pile up. My toddler yanked her hamsters tail so hard that it pulled right off. And while he’s generally fascinated with tales like these, what he’s most interested in receiving are anecdotes about kids getting hurt. Not because he takes a prurient interest in children’s injuries, but because he wants to come up with creative ways to protect every single delicate inch of their vulnerable bodies. If he could, he would lock them all in padded rooms, wearing padded suits, until they were full grown, feeding them only organic soy-protein shakes (with a greens boost) through straws, like factory-farmed veal. But that’s not really an option (is it?). Well, fortunately for the youth of the world, some creative folks have beat him to the punch, at least in terms of a few frangible areas. Now, whenever you let your precious darling out of their rubber room, you can doll them up in the items pictured above.
Gunc thinks that the helmet is particularly stylish, what with those adorable “ears” or “propellers” or whatever they are lolling about the top. And he’s told that the kneepads come in a variety of designer colors to match the patterns on baby’s diapers; carpet burn, you’re banished! The G.U. is working with a top prosthetic designer right now on a line of his own Baby Bump Battlers TM, including a latex lip-guard, a titanium genital protector, and a carbon-fiber eyeball mantle (this last one is proving challenging on the whole “seeing” front, but which is more important: sight, or the assurance that your child will never poke their eye out?) Make sure to return daily for updates on other new products!
Likely because of his penchant for routinely dissing the boatloads of idiotic baby crap that many parents feel obligated to buy, and then ruefully regret (see Chapter 2 of his book The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting, “Get Stuffed”) readers often send the G.U. enticing lists of insane infant merch (20 Fucked-up-est Baby Products, 10 Things Your Toddler Absolutely Doesn’t Need, etc.) Gunc loves the idea of these compilations, and always appreciates receiving them, but his eyes often glaze over when scrolling though, not because he’s seen it all before, but because half the time he has absolutely NO idea how this shit works: what its intent is, how it reflects a valid need-state, which end of the baby it’s supposed to go in or out of. But every so often, there comes a product that is completely self-explanatory (if still mystifying). Like this one: The Toddler Urinal. Now as those of you who have read his book know, the Gay Uncle strongly advocates teaching boys to pee sitting down: it decreases worries about aim, it’s a consistent approach that more naturally leads to pooping sitting down, and it’s a nice way to take a load off (he pees seated most of the time himself and finds it relaxing). He also thinks familiarizing kids with the bathroom (from a young age) as the locus for all watersports activities helps aide the eventual training process. And he’s pretty sure that most houses in this country come with at least one extant piece of plumbing perfectly designed for piss-practice. So why anyone would want to add yet another place in their house for their son to wield his urine gun (with the safety off) is beyond him: especially placing said receptacle in what appears to be the corner of the living room, like the folks in this photo have. By the way, he read that this thing actually “flushes”; you just need to fill the “reservoir” at the kitchen sink. (Emptying the “reservoir” on the other end is another story. Ew.) Gunc just has one question: Does it come with child-friendly urinal mints? He suggests flavors like bubble-gum, kiwi-strawberry, and pizza.
Ever wonder why your child doesn’t abide you when you talk? It’s because you’re doing it totally wrong! Check out this timely new chunk of advice from The Gay Uncle in this month’s issue of Parenting Magazine. The interview on which this article was based took place way back in March, and the G.U. didn’t know that it actually got published until he happened across it in the bathroom of his friend’s house in Long Beach, CA this evening. The fact that it’s Yom Kippur, and that his friend is a Rabbi, makes him think that this is somehow a sign from god that he has been inscribed in the book of life for the year, despite the fact that he wiled away his faith’s holiest of holy days trying to help a major beverage company figure out how to market an artificially-sweetened, fruit-flavored, electrolyte-filled beverage to teens. Now that’s not nice! Good Yom Tov, everyone.
Loyal readers (or even those willing to scroll down a few entries) might remember the gay uncle, GU fan who wrote in recently asking about how to come out of the closet to his nieces. Of course, Gunc gave him some expert advice, of which he was very appreciative (as are ALL proper followers of the Cult of G.U.) Well, you will be happy (or relieved, or disinterested) to know that Gunc just received an update from said Other Gay Uncle, and the story ends in a form of snarky, but loving acceptance (as should all things Gay Uncle-related). The reader writes:
Dear Gay Uncle,
I just wanted to thank you again and let you know how the coming out weekend went. My brother and sister-in-law were very supportive. In fact, my brother was extremely insightful and I think they were both relieved knowing that perhaps I will now move on with my life and maybe even meet someone. I decided to leave it up to them to let my nieces know, whenever the opportunity arose, rather than my having a forced conversation about it with them. Well ironically, tonight, they called to tell me that the topic was broached.
My brother asked one of my nieces if it would have any effect on her if she heard that her Uncle Z- was gay. She looked up from her homework, said, “No, why would it?” and went back to her work.
An hour later she walked back into the kitchen, looked at her father and asked. “If Uncle Z- is now gay, do you think he’ll start dressing any better?”
Thanks again for everything. You have earned yourself a very appreciative new reader.
Z.
What a smart girl! She must have been taking lessons from the Gay Uncle’s darling little niece Amber (or perhaps just watching the same sit-coms.)
The Gay Uncle received this missive from a loyal reader the other day, and he thought it was important to share it with you, as it pertains to the recent shitstorm he unleashed on Yahoo’s parenting site with his intelligent and focused critique of parents who use physical violence as a disciplinary practice. What follows is one wise grandfather’s thoughts about the debate. And, rest assured, this is completely REAL, this is no internet “joke”. I’ve met this guy’s grandkid, and this photo is really of him (that’s his favorite shirt). And it’s really his car. It’s All, Totally, Real.
Tough Love vs. Spanking – Good Argument
Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my grandkids when they have one of ‘those moments.’ One that I’ve found particularly effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride. Some say it’s the vibration from the vehicle that makes this practice so effective, others say it’s the time away from distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my darling grandchildren usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to eye contact helps a lot too.
I’ve included a little snapshot below from of one of my recent sessions with my eldest grandkid in case you would like to use the technique.
The Gay Uncle is working on an exciting new article about how the financial crunch is affecting families all over the country, and he needs your help. He has to find a very wealthy family, a very middle class family, and a very working class family–all with kids in the 0-6 year old range–who he can interview briefly over the phone, and talk about the choices/changes they’re making in terms of things like food, leisure, education and transportation. Participating families would then be photographed for the piece as well.
If you’re interested in participating–or know of people who might be interested–Gunc would love to hear from you. He’s trying to cast as wide a net as possible, so feel free to forward this link/request to your sister so she can get in touch with her best friend from high school who now lives in a survivalist compound in Idaho, or your brother whose friend from elementary school who’s just been laid off from the Ford engine plant in Indiana, or that oil field heiress whose kid your niece goes to school with in Dallas.
Interested parties can get in touch with the Gay Uncle via the contact page on this site, or through the email address gayunclesguide@mac.com
Thanks so much for all your help.
The Gay Uncle’s family members are amazing in many ways. They’re intelligent, talented, funny, and successful. Some are musicians. Some tend bar. Some are nearly finished discovering the precise chemical formula for a once-a-day pill that will cure all forms of cancer. Oh, and some just happen to be tiny toddler BMX prodigies. (Click HERE to find out what the hell this means.) G.U. thinks that if he can tape this kid going around the track a few more times at speed, wearing camouflage shorts and a Palin Sux t-shirt and screaming Go Barack! at the top of his lungs, and set the whole video to the tune of Barracuda, he’ll have created both an internet sensation, and a means to finally seal up the election for the Big O. His other thought: take pledges from readers for each lap his three year-old cousin completes on his next Sunday bicycle ride, and donate the proceeds to the campaign. His final thought: tell GUG fans that this kid will not be allowed to get off his teensy two-wheeler until they donate a hundred-thousand dollars for CHANGE, and then sit back and watch the money pour in. Give Now before little Riley throws up, pops a flat, or really damages his inner ear with all that annular motion.
It’s not National Coming Out Day or anything, but since a reader recently asked a question that pertains to this area, the G.U. thought he’d address the issue. The reader asked about telling his young nieces and nephews that he’s gay. Since Gunc didn’t write The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Gay Uncling, it’s not a topic that’s covered in depth in his book, but there is some basic information about in in his chapter on talking to kids (there’s a bit where a parent tries unsuccessfully to explain Gunc’s sexuality to a kid in his class, with somewhat confused results.) His core advice is just to be as straightforward and concrete as possible. Kids take, have, and maintain issues with things like this when they’re presented in ways that are muddled, abstract, or side-handed. Acting like being gay is perfectly normal will let the nieces and nephews know that this is just another way in which people exist in the world. Of course, you don’t need to try and explain it too soon. (Ga-ga, goo-goo, gay-gay?) But the Gay Uncle outed himself to the three year olds in his class when questions pertaining to this came up (Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? etc.) Be clear, and frame things in a positivist perspective–tell them who you date, go out with, or are interested in dating–and connect it to their lived experience (e.g. “Just like your mom goes out with boys; so do I.” Or, “Some men have a girlfriend, some have a boyfriend. I’m one of the ones who has a boyfriend (or boyfriendS).” Or “I don’t have a girlfriend. I go out with boys. I’m actually looking for a boyfriend now. (OPTIONAL: Do you know anyone?)” Avoid any explanations that might snare in unintended consequences like “I don’t like girls”. The G.U.’s now nine year old niece has known his boyfriend since she was born, and simply considers him a normal part of the family (or as normal as Tal can be). But she’s an active advocate for gay rights. It wasn’t crammed at her in any polemical way, it was simply presented as part of her reality, and since she loves me and Tal, and knows that we love each other, she’ll rush to our people’s defense if some doofus makes an anti-gay wise-crack on the playground. “Get over it!” she’ll yell.
Of course, Gunc has an extremely supportive family. Other people’s situation might be different. But remember that regardless of what your parents, siblings, or in-laws might think, you’re entitled to have your own individual and honest relationship with your nieces and nephews. If your family prevents that from happening now, keep sending those buff beefcake birthday cards (with checks enclosed) but stay away until such time as the kids are able to take in the information independent of external influence. These kids are going to be around for a long time, and they’ll need a loving and supportive uncle at any stage of their development. But, like with any relationship, they need to be able to accept that love. If they don’t want it, save it for someone who does!
Feel free to share your tips or stories in COMMENTS, if you want.
One of the Gay Uncle’s loyal readers dropped him a line this weekend to tell him the story of her recent shopping trip to Costco, and he thought it was worth it to share it with you, not only because it’s hilarious, but because it occurred in the suddenly-important state of Alaska. While wandering the aisles, this early childhood professional noticed a pair of moms, each with a three or four kids–and piles of junk food–in their carts. The kids seemed cute at first, but as she kept encountering them in the store (frequently near the free-sample stations), they became increasingly…less cute. As did the moms, who began scolding them repeatedly for infractions such as riding on the back of the cart, or poking the shrink-wrapped chicken thighs. Finally, Gunc’s reader felt like she’d lost them (she figured they were distracted by the supersized smoothie station). But as she was loading her groceries into her vehicle, she spotted them again in the parking lot. Their SUVs were right next to one another, and while one of the moms had her kids all buckled down into their seats, the other one decidedly did not, and they were running around freely in the cab of the enormous truck while mommy tried ineffectually to get them to be seated. Then suddenly, this mother of the free-range children suddenly became even more agitated and started shouting at her little rugrats, “Cut it out…don’t touch…stop it! I said don’t touch that GODDAMMIT SIT IN YOUR SEAT…stop it. Please stop it. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”. At about the second “my”, the G.U.’s fan turned to see the SUV slowly rolling toward a construction fence, with Mom running alongside it, pulling on the locked passenger door handle. Fortunately for everyone, the vehicle stopped itself…by running gently into the fence. Strangely (or tellingly) the other mom seemed not to worry or get involved, signaling to the onlookers that this was not the first time something like this had happened.
Always one for lessons, the Gay Uncle asked his reader what she thought the lesson of this story was. She said the following:
“Um…if you are going to be a dip and let your child play in the car:
1. Set the parking brake or use wheel chucks (or)
2. Bring a friend who can run fast and who has decent upper body strength so s/he can help stop the car if it gets away?
Gunc feels like he agrees. But feel free to let loose with other lessons.