Brett Berk

They really do grow up so fast. It seems like only yesterday that The Gay Uncle pushed his purple, rectangular wrecking ball of a head through the birth canal, and now, he’s sassing back in compound sentences, stubbornly refusing to wear his old argyle socks (claiming they’re too babyish), and sleeping in his new Barbie big-boy bed. That’s right, today, The Gay Uncle enters the Terrible Twos. It’s enough to make a proud parent weep, especially since the little bugger had the nerve to ask for a iPhone for his birthday. You are not getting a fucking iPhone, Gay Uncle! But your loyal friends are invited to celebrate with you in a Gunc-y way. Thanks to the amazing powers of Google Analytics, The Gay Uncle has been able to keep a running list some of the of the odd, intriguing, and often disgusting search terms that Internet Trolls have used to find this site. Below, you will see a collection of some of the best ones. Please note, the number in parentheses represents the running tally of creeps who have used this particular term to land here. Enjoy!

Gay Spanking (105)
Gay Peeing (93)
Gay Birthday Cakes (81)
Gay Snowballs (74)
Gay Screamer (47)
Gay Bitches (37)
Gay Shower (36)
Gay Airplane (24)
Gay Toilet Training (21)
Gay Ass (20)
Photo of Canadian Flag (15)
Gay Mouth (11)

Once again, the Gay Uncle is extorted into playing a role he despises–that of wise-cracking parenting expert–in the esteemed pages of the Chicago Tribune. This time, he dishes out wisdom on where and how you should take your first big trip with your kids. It’s all very straightforward and, as they say in the consulting biz, “actionable” (meaning, you can easily do it). Check it out here.

Is your kids’ constant bickering bugging the shit out of you and making you want to go all shaken baby on their asses? Well, it certainly was with one of the Gay Uncle’s fans. That is, until he gave her some pointers. Now, the kids are literally behaving like angels. True story! Read all about it–including the three life-altering tips Gunc provided–in this brand new MOMLOGIC column.

In an interesting interpretation of the notion of persecution, a Memphis immigration judge has granted political asylum to a German family who moved to the States in order to homeschool their children in a devout Christian form: far from the pagan witches, satanic sprites, and non-father-and-mother-honoring kids that populate the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, a standard text of Teutonic schooling. Keeping kids out of an officially registered school is illegal in Germany, where the law exists in order to (as the NYTimes reports) “foster social integration, ensure exposure to people from different backgrounds and prevent the formation what some call ‘parallel societies.'” The Gay Uncle is sure there are instances in which home schooling feels necessary– where the schools are truly and intractably terrible, where moving isn”t an option, where you believe bigoted brainwashing benefits children–but he has to side with the German government on this one. Why? A few reasons. First, home schooling is the ultimate version of placing the needs of the individual over those of the group. Schools rely on a wide mix of kids, with all sorts of different abilities and intelligences and cultures and histories, to help everyone thrive and learn to get along. If kids opt out, they”re not able to gain from, or give to, the knowledge base of the group, or help foster the inter-human understanding that makes this little thing called “society” work. Second, you don”t Home Dentist or Home Neurologist your child, do you? Why? Because when you”re not expert in something having to do with their welfare, it”s best to rely on the skills of trained professionals–and while it may come as a surprise to you–and to some teachers–educators are trained professionals with years of schooling, mentoring, and experience. (Ask yourself, what is it about the level of disrespect for the job of teaching that makes so many people assume that they could do it better?) Finally Gunc loves scary weird fairy tales and all the invented mystical insanity and questionable moral choices they reflect, much like he loves Bible stories and all the invented mystical insanity and questionable moral choices they reflect. They’re an amazing tool for encouraging children to think about narrative, imagination, fiction vs. reality, and (human-smiting) repercussions. This whole ruling hearkens back to the Bush II era [G.U. spits on ground] when adherence to fundamentalist religious practices politicized every sphere of civic life, including international law (think, de-funding family planning facilities overseas, or starting a holy war in the Middle East.) Gunc says, boo!

I”ve strenuously avoided cold weather sports throughout my life. This is because a) my already inadequate coordination is hugely diminished by the addition of snow or ice; b) the requisite frosty temperatures force the athletes to completely cover their bodies, curbing any interest I may have in spectating; and c) I”ve always more enjoyed the aprés portion of these kinds of games: sweaters, lodges, fireplaces, whiskey, mountainous piles of luxurious down comforters, cuddling. Still, it was hardly possible to ignore the Olympics these past few weeks (believe me, I tried.) And when forced to confront these arctic activities, I naturally found myself gravitating more toward some over others. Now that the games are finally over, check out this Post Game/Top Ten Hotness ranking of the sports featured this year in Vancouver.

10. Curling: About as sexy as watching Jackie Gleason bowl.

9. Freestyle Skiing: My mother got me this sleeping bag in 1976, but I never wore it in public, let alone as the world watched.

8. Luge: A Disneyworld Extreme Edition ride, not a sport. One of the few instances in which an athlete lying prone is not at all sexy.

7. Speed Skating: Muscular and aerodynamic, but in an unnerving Berlin Olympiad/Fascist sculpture kind of way.

6. Bobsled: Four hunky men have to squeeze into this thing. Don”t tell me they”re not touching each other.

5. Snowboarding: Borderline cute, but way too Mountain Duuude (long hair, beer, and pot titties.)

4. Hockey: The constant, frissive possibility that I might get to witness a bloody beat-down. (Bonus: many players are missing their front teeth.)

3. Figure Skating: It”s not at all sexy, but, gurrrl, you cannot deny the H-O-T-T-ness.

2. Ski Jump: Tall, skinny, spread-eagle, and soaring high above me. The stuff of dreams.

1. Biathlon: Any sport that combines buff shrink-wrapped dudes, long poles, and shooting automatically wins.

The NYC Board of Education’s Panel For Educational Policy finally voted the other night on its controversial bake sale policy. The rule was created to ban homemade goods like cookies and cupcakes and pot brownies from being offered at school bake sales, while allowing store-bought items like Pop-Tarts and Doritos to be sold with impunity. The Gay Uncle already covered this issue once in his MOMLOGIC column. But now that the policy was actually approved, he would like to add one thing. WHAT THE FUCK? This is one of the most nonsensical and wishy-washy means of dealing with the situation of nutritional education that he has ever seen. If you’re going to ban, ban. If you’re not, don’t. But there is no logic whatsoever to this rule (except if your goal is to favor mono-diglycerides and artificial cheese flavoring.)

Gunc would like to propose a revised policy, one based on his seminal and informed and intelligent and measured Babble article “In Praise of Junk”, in which he outlines not only the reasons why Junk is deserved by kids, but how to co-opt its power and teach your child real lessons about food, consumption, and healthy eating habits. It should be required reading for anyone making public policy–or anyone who has a kid. And guess what? You can read it for free right here.

The Gay Uncle has never been able to figure out exactly what about.com is. But someone over there seems to like him. Witness this piece “You’re in Good Hands with the Gay Uncle” that is–sort of–about him. Go on over and visit and report back if you have any idea what this site is all…about.

A new University-based, Canadian study conclusively proves the evolutionary value of Gay Uncles! Gunc barely resists telling the world, “Told you so.”

Read all about it right here, in Momlogic.

I spend a week drinking and parading my way through my adopted city, and discover that everything that sucks about Mardi Gras is just the flip side of something that’s great about Mardi Gras, sort of like life itself.

Check out my slideshow on the “festivities” for VanityFair.com

Toyota’s a-cappella singing sensation returns to chant a protective spell over the 2011 Avalon (and I offer to write them a song.)

Check it out.