Brett Berk

New episode of GLEE; new Fun & Faggy GLEE-cap from everyone’s favorite Gay Uncle.

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Looking for even MORE of a Twilight: New Moon fix? More specifically, looking for one that has a trio of sexy topless cars matched up to a trio of sexy topless dudes from the movie? Then look no further. Click on over to the Gay Uncle’s alter-ego, Stick Shift, Vanity Fair’s gay car column, for a heap of hunk.

Here’s the link.

This week, over at the home of all that is logical and maternal, The Gay Uncle takes apart a new study that suggests Phthalates turn boys into sissies (and questions what the hell is wrong with sissies in the first place.)

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In the Gay Uncle’s new role as Vanity Fair’s online “Fun and Faggy Editor”, he’ll be writing a weekly recap on his second-favorite TV show, GLEE. Here’s the first one, on this Wednesday’s episode, “Wheels”.

The kids at a Chicago middle school thought they were just engaging in goofy and ritual adolescent hi-jinks–like their peers in Animal House, Fame, or High School Musical–by starting a food fight in the lunchroom last week. But school security forces didn’t find their little game at all cute or amusing, and as the melee escalated, they called for backup. The result: twenty five tweeners were hauled off by the Chicago Police Department, handcuffed, thrown into a paddy wagon, and brought downtown to central booking where they were printed, photographed, and, as the New York Times reports, “treated like real criminals”.

Now the Gay Uncle is all for this kind of down-the-line, law-and-order implementation of firm-handed justice when it comes to actual transgressions like a six year-old bringing a folding silverware set to school. But throwing food? This is not a criminal offense. Wasteful? Yes. Of dubious nutritional value? Certainly. Cliché? Totally. Jail? Not so much. Instead of prison, the Gay Uncle recommends that the mischievous little boogers be asked to do all of the following:
1) Complete a caloric analysis of the food wasted versus energy expended in throwing it
2) Use the tossed food to cook a creative and nourishing meal for the real prison population
(extra credit: spoon feeding it to prisoners)
3) Clean up the cafeteria

Perhaps you have other suggestions on how to punish these hooligans? Have at it in “COMMENTS” below.

In his research on Ford Motor Company’s new, Yii-P! integrated rear-seat childrens’ entertainment technology (see this post), the Gay Uncle came across many and varied forms of piñatas. Piñatas shaped like meatballs, feet, cats, and Darth Vader. Piñatas shaped like devils, horses, donkeys, and unicorns. Even people dressed up like piñatas, which triggered in him an overwhelming desire to seek them out, hang them from the rafters of a dingy basement, and have a bunch of blindfolded children beat them with a broom handle until their insides poured out. But he found only one piñata shaped like a big ass.

Ford Motor Company announced today that it will include this, its patented Youth Integrated Individual Piñata technology (Yii-P), into the rear seats of all of its 2011 minivans, crossovers, and SUVs. According to Ford spokesperson Martin Doucheire, “kids these days” require new and novel forms of entertainment when in a vehicle. “Recent consumer research suggests that young children are bored with watching the same old shit Disney DVDs you’ve been showing them. With this new development, we add another compelling, attention-grabbing format to the in car amusement options.” Doucherie went on, “Plus, with the Hispanic market growing, and those people having so many kids, it’s a win-win.”

It wasn’t exactly clear how the proper quantity of cheap, stale candy is to be inserted into the inflated contraption–the press release said something about blowing it through the belt buckle using “good old-fashioned lung power” (though it advised strongly against doing so when a child is in the seat, in order to avoid “unnecessary liability”). But the manufacturer’s information packet did go into some detail regarding the proper implements for extracting it, recommending the use of items like “broom handle, police baton, pointed stick, or severed doll arm” but suggesting users stay away from things like “screwdriver, hunting knife, archery equipment, or any firearms.” It also noted that the technology is single use–though refills are available at Ford dealerships at a “moderate cost”–and can be covered in a variety of tacky and cliche crepe paper animal forms.

Visit my car blog, Stick Shift at VanityFair.com for more important automotive coverage.

[Photo Credit: Ford Motor Company]

You may remember my two big gay moms from this piece I wrote, or from the New York Times cover story in which they were featured last week. Well, if that wasn’t enough, they had their wedding this weekend, and The Advocate sent a reporter to cover it. This reporter also took photos. Prepare yourself for full-on fabulousness.

Click here.

[Photo Credit: Julie Bolcer]

Lauren Myracle’s new kids book Love Ya Bunches was turned down by the Scholastic Book Fairs because one of the fifth grade characters in the book has two moms. The Gay Uncle calls Bullshit on this, and interviews Lauren all about what happened and how it’s changing, in a piece he wrote for Momlogic.

Check it out.

One of the Gay Uncle’s readers recently posed an interesting series of questions regarding how folks will be dealing with the spookiest of scary holidays this year. Since her inquiries truly…piqued Gunc’s interest, he thinks her missive is worth quoting in its entirety.

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard, but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

Since there are so many different ideas and concerns included here, the G.U. is going to try to address them one at a time.

1) “Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween?” Well, Gunc and his boyfriend are planning on sitting in a friend’s new hot tub, getting wasted, and watching zombie movies on a big screen using said friend’s new DVD projector. Their “safety precautions” will include having plenty of towels and robes around in case any kids drop by. They’re hoping this will keep them from spending the weekend in jail.

2) “My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors.” The G.U. asked a brutally intelligent mom friend who chairs a commission on childhood sexual abuse about this one, and she said that folks should definitely be aware of any sex offenders that live in their neighborhood, though she cautioned–with a commendable degree of rationality–that “convicted and released sex offenders are the tippy-tippy-top of the mountain of risk in terms of children and abuse. Nearly 90% of kids who are abused are molested by family members.” She went on, “There is no way to absolutely ensure that your child is safe. Do what you can, within reason, but remember that accepting the presence of risk is part of life.”

3) “Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween.” The Gay Uncle would like to point out that there are a number of factors that may have potentially been involved in this boy’s illness other than the endemically infectious nature of the holiday. First, Halloween comes during a season called “Fall”, the time of year when children return to the Petri Dish/Germ Pool of school, when the weather often vacillates wildly between warm and cold, and when kids frequently O.D. on sugar, all of which tend to compromise their immune systems. Gunc is willing to bet that the boy wasn’t Roofied, dosed, or a victim of bio-terrorism, but that he caught a bug from a classmate, refused to wear his coat over his Wonder Woman costume, and/or simply ate one too many pounds of candy corn. Next question.

4)“I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door” Given the lax standards for admission to most churches, and the number of sinners that come through them on a weekly basis, the Gay Uncle would like to posit that the basements and rec rooms of such locales likely have a higher infectious bacteria count than subway poles, kitchen sponges, or gas station toilet seats combined. (While cleanliness is next to godliness, the reverse is not necessarily true.) And the whole bobbing for apples thing that often takes place at these festivals–while ultimately resulting in a lower sugar intake than T-or-T-ing–requires immersing your child’s vulnerable oral and nasal passages in warm, germy, kiddie-face water. Plus, if you’re going to a church to avoid Stranger Danger, Gunc has one word of warning: Priests.