Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle would like to welcome the arrival of 5770, and to wish his thousands of fans and supporters a L’Shanah Tovah (that’s Happy Jew Year for you goyim). As a means of celebrating the holiday, the G.U. will be cramming his face full of apples, honey, and as many traifig crustaceans as he can possibly find. But he’s also published a relevant piece in his online Vanity Fair car column this week. Titled, “What Should a Rabbi Drive?” it offers you the opportunity to help pick a new vehicle for his frummy friend Yonah Bookstein. So, what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation? Click over, view the slideshow, and VOTE in the poll. Unless you want not to be inscribed in the book of life for another year, in which case, go back to reading dListed.

What Should a Rabbi Drive? vf.com

You may remember the Gay Uncle’s mother-in-law, Sarah–and her peculiar sense of justice–from this post, or this one. Well, the G.U. spent some time with her this week, and discovered a new instance in which she was able to implement some retribution. Apparently, while at a multi-family retreat she’s attended every year since the 70s, it came to her attention that the granddaughter of one of her long-term friends–let’s call her Carrie, 10–was not being particularly kind to her own granddaughter, Violet, 9. This behavior took many forms: light hording, exclusion, teasing, and other forms of typical, tween bitchery. Well, by the final day, Granny Sarah had had enough. She decided to host a party for all the other members of the camp on the porch of her cabin, and the revelers were all merry and chortling and whatever else WASPS do when on vacation. But when little Carrie came up to the door, she was in for a surprise. “Carrie, you are not invited to this party.” “WTF?” Carrie said. (Well, she didn’t actually say that. She just looked puzzled.) Sarah took this moment of weakness to pounce. “You have not been kind or fair to Violet all week, and I have had it! You have teased her, excluded her from things, refused to share.” Carrie narrowed her eyes. “No I didn’t.” This denial only enhanced Sarah’s resolve. “Yes you did. Now admit it!” (Please recall this is a battle between a 70 year old and a 10 year old.) Eventually, Judge Granny managed to extract a confession from the girl. But did this allow her passage into the party? No fucking way! The door was closed and she was sent home. She apparently returned later with her father, and a forced, false apology. But she still wasn’t allowed in. Perhaps Carrie will learn her lesson next year? Since no rules were set up in advance, since no expectations or repercussions were laid out should these rules be transgressed, and since the whole punishment was brought on swiftly and as a total surprise, the G.U. would say, Probably not. More likely, she’ll just harbor resentment and hatred toward Sarah, and when she’s not looking, she’ll spit in her Waldorf Salad or pee in her underwear drawer. The Gay Uncle, for one, can’t wait to find out!

The gay-penguin book And Tango Makes Three topped the list of the American Library Association’s “challenged” books this year, for the third year in a row. This means that small minded bigots submitted more complaints about it being on the shelves of their public libraries than any other book. How unoriginal of them! There are plenty of other gay and lesbian themed books to complain about, some of which actually suck! For a full update on the kids queer-o-sphere, check out this keen article, Beyond Heather Has Two Mommies by none other than your favorite Gay Uncle. (Then call your local library and complain that The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting is on their shelves. Disgusting. What does a Gay Uncle know about parenting anyway?)

Now that your kid is safely back in school, the Gay Uncle can tell you the story of a summer camp from hell. Don’t worry, it’s not the one that Jason Voorhees haunted in the 47 Friday the 13th movies, so no one gets a knife stuffed through their chest or has their limbs cut off by a powerboat motor. No, this camp was run by a Hassidic sect up here in the Catskills for roughly 300 kids, at a rundown old resort community which had seen better days when it went out of business in 1981. But did these folks spruce it up? Give it a fresh coat of paint? At least patch the leaky roofs? Nah. Then it wouldn’t be camp! More importantly, they didn’t even bother to obtain the proper county or state permits to run a children’s summer getaway, so when a heating oil spill (!) in mid-July brought the camp to the attention of the state Department of Environmental Conservation, other regulators started poking around. What did they find? Nothing much. Just the usual minor violations like water running over electrical boxes, broken fire extinguishers and windows, and what they called “pervasive mold”. (In fact, when they arrived, many of the campers were apparently wearing white surgical masks while engaged in their activities, in order to foster this little thing called “breathing”). When they moved to shut the camp down, they ended up in a Ruby Ridge-like standoff, in which the directors refused to leave or send the kids home. “Their parents are on vacation!” they told authorities. “Where would you like them to go?” So the little cuties had to spend a couple more days in Dirty Camp. Gunc hopes they have no lasting damage. He also wonders if he could send a few of his nieces there next year, once they fix the whole rotting walls and carpets full of spores issue. It’s close by, and he could sneak snacks in to them through the cyclone fence.

This week in his Momlogic column, the Gay Uncle exposes a source of some parents’ secret Back to School blues: Dealing with preschoolers who DON’T cry when they say goodbye. Check it out.

Vindicated again! The Gay Uncle read this morning that the new issue of Child Development is reporting the findings of a rigorous scientific study that found that babies who are allowed to cry it out at night slept much better than babies who are rushed to at the first sign of tears. He’s been advocating this method for twenty years (and lays out and justifies a kind, straightforward, and extremely actionable plan for implementing just such a system in his book) and is glad to see that some real research is helping to make the point. Still, if you’re one of those moms or dads who runs toward their baby as if it’s on fire every time it lets out a whimper, he’s not saying you’re a bad person. He’s just saying you’re a bad parent.

Continuing with today’s Gunc inundation, the G.U. also has a new piece up on Momlogic, about the sad demise of the stellar kids’ TV program Reading Rainbow. Check it out HERE.

The Gay Uncle makes a triumphant return to the stellar parenting mag Babble, with a piece that uses his decade of market research experience for the powers of good: providing 5 actionable tips for teaching your young child how to be a more critical navigator of the world of commercial messages. Click fast before Kellogg’s, Disney, and Bakugan colonize their brains! Here’s the link.

Do contemporary parents truly have no shame? It appears that the answer is a resounding, Yes! Witness, a recent report about how groups of them are trying to ban the one true harbinger of summer (now that we don’t have warm weather, sun, or swimmable beaches): the ice cream truck. Why do they want to rid our nation’s parks, playgrounds, and residential streets of this white enamel-clad menace? Because they think that they are “vultures” preying on their innocent children’s desires for a treat. Because they believe that they’re modern day pied pipers leading their tender offspring down the road to ruin with their menacing tinkling bell song. Because they believe that ice cream is fatty and unhealthy. But mostly because they are apparently INCAPABLE OF SIMPLY SAYING NO to their kids and meaning it. Yes, ice cream may not be health food, and the tune the trucks play can be maddening, and kids might want a frozen confection more often than you want to give it to them. But the job of being a parent is not to project all of the travails and challenges of raising a child outward, expecting the world to morph and conform to your needs. The job is to create rational and safe limits for your kid, and to stick with them, so that they learn to understand how life works. Attempting to ban the ice cream truck for circling the park is like getting angry at the swingset for your kid wanting to ride on it at bedtime. The solution is the same: make a rule, implement it, and expect your kid to conform. They might fuss or even–god forbid–cry. But the Gay Uncle guarantees that they’ll get it. And everyone will be happier.

Here’s yet another way for the Gay Uncle to combine his two core interests: Kids and Cars! When he’s not busy writing the National Magazine Award winning column Noise Vibration and Harshness for Gunc’s second-favorite automotive magazine, Automobile, friend of the Uncle–and fellow car mensch–Jamie Kitman manages a little outfit called They Might Be Giants. You might have heard of them? Anyway, the Giants have a new video out from their upcoming kids album “Here Comes the Science” (out 09/01) all about more carbon neutral forms of motorized transport. It’s called “Electric Car”, and while the vehicle featured in it isn’t nearly as sexy as the G.U.’s current voltage favorite the Tesla Roadster, it seems to be able to go anywhere on land or sea, like an Amphicar, and magically morph in size. Also, there are some Busby Berkeley-style choreography sequences. And it’s cute as shit.

So what are you waiting for? Watch it right now by CLICKING HERE.