Brett Berk

In his role as Vanity Fair‘s online automotive columnist, the Gay Uncle takes the wheel of five of the sexiest, most powerful, most tenacious vehicles in autodom, plunges them around some twisty roads, and then searches for telltale signs of having gotten off, automotively speaking. Check it out.

This week in his Momlogic column, Gunc provides instructions on how to create a prancing baby boy. Check it out. Perhaps you are intelligent enough to understand the extraordinarily subtle humor involved in this piece, (unlike the majority of the commenters.)

I go back to Biltmore–the Vanderbilt’s enormous estate in Asheville, NC–and check in with a group of conservators working on one of the vehicles in the collection, dating from 1913. There, I discover that while George Vanderbilt may have been the world’s first Trustafarian, he sure liked to drive.

Check it out.

“Sissy Bounce: Rap Goes Drag!” Check out the amazing stories of New Orleans’ queered-out Bounce Music artists in my online column for Vanity Fair. And find links to listen to their tunes, their shows at SXSW, and the museum exhibits featuring photos of them (and the story of their music) in NYC, Austin, and NOLA.

[PHOTO CREDIT: Aubrey Edwards]

My review of Jason Vuic’s pithy new tome on the rather stunning history of the most craptastic vehicle ever created. Read it online at Vanity Fair.

This week, in my Vanity Fair car column, I look behind the black car(pet) at the world’s favorite star-studded traffic jam, and reveal the secret hierarchies of Oscar auto assignment. You will never be able to look at stars and cars in the same way. CHECK IT OUT

And if you love Hollywood and/or Automobiles you might want to consider these other three movie/car-related pieces:
Best Picture Contenders: Gay Porn Editions
Top 20 Movie Cars of the Aughties
Which Shirtless Twilight Hunk is your Hartop Convertible?

They really do grow up so fast. It seems like only yesterday that The Gay Uncle pushed his purple, rectangular wrecking ball of a head through the birth canal, and now, he’s sassing back in compound sentences, stubbornly refusing to wear his old argyle socks (claiming they’re too babyish), and sleeping in his new Barbie big-boy bed. That’s right, today, The Gay Uncle enters the Terrible Twos. It’s enough to make a proud parent weep, especially since the little bugger had the nerve to ask for a iPhone for his birthday. You are not getting a fucking iPhone, Gay Uncle! But your loyal friends are invited to celebrate with you in a Gunc-y way. Thanks to the amazing powers of Google Analytics, The Gay Uncle has been able to keep a running list some of the of the odd, intriguing, and often disgusting search terms that Internet Trolls have used to find this site. Below, you will see a collection of some of the best ones. Please note, the number in parentheses represents the running tally of creeps who have used this particular term to land here. Enjoy!

Gay Spanking (105)
Gay Peeing (93)
Gay Birthday Cakes (81)
Gay Snowballs (74)
Gay Screamer (47)
Gay Bitches (37)
Gay Shower (36)
Gay Airplane (24)
Gay Toilet Training (21)
Gay Ass (20)
Photo of Canadian Flag (15)
Gay Mouth (11)

Once again, the Gay Uncle is extorted into playing a role he despises–that of wise-cracking parenting expert–in the esteemed pages of the Chicago Tribune. This time, he dishes out wisdom on where and how you should take your first big trip with your kids. It’s all very straightforward and, as they say in the consulting biz, “actionable” (meaning, you can easily do it). Check it out here.

Is your kids’ constant bickering bugging the shit out of you and making you want to go all shaken baby on their asses? Well, it certainly was with one of the Gay Uncle’s fans. That is, until he gave her some pointers. Now, the kids are literally behaving like angels. True story! Read all about it–including the three life-altering tips Gunc provided–in this brand new MOMLOGIC column.

In an interesting interpretation of the notion of persecution, a Memphis immigration judge has granted political asylum to a German family who moved to the States in order to homeschool their children in a devout Christian form: far from the pagan witches, satanic sprites, and non-father-and-mother-honoring kids that populate the fairy tales of the Brothers Grimm, a standard text of Teutonic schooling. Keeping kids out of an officially registered school is illegal in Germany, where the law exists in order to (as the NYTimes reports) “foster social integration, ensure exposure to people from different backgrounds and prevent the formation what some call ‘parallel societies.'” The Gay Uncle is sure there are instances in which home schooling feels necessary– where the schools are truly and intractably terrible, where moving isn”t an option, where you believe bigoted brainwashing benefits children–but he has to side with the German government on this one. Why? A few reasons. First, home schooling is the ultimate version of placing the needs of the individual over those of the group. Schools rely on a wide mix of kids, with all sorts of different abilities and intelligences and cultures and histories, to help everyone thrive and learn to get along. If kids opt out, they”re not able to gain from, or give to, the knowledge base of the group, or help foster the inter-human understanding that makes this little thing called “society” work. Second, you don”t Home Dentist or Home Neurologist your child, do you? Why? Because when you”re not expert in something having to do with their welfare, it”s best to rely on the skills of trained professionals–and while it may come as a surprise to you–and to some teachers–educators are trained professionals with years of schooling, mentoring, and experience. (Ask yourself, what is it about the level of disrespect for the job of teaching that makes so many people assume that they could do it better?) Finally Gunc loves scary weird fairy tales and all the invented mystical insanity and questionable moral choices they reflect, much like he loves Bible stories and all the invented mystical insanity and questionable moral choices they reflect. They’re an amazing tool for encouraging children to think about narrative, imagination, fiction vs. reality, and (human-smiting) repercussions. This whole ruling hearkens back to the Bush II era [G.U. spits on ground] when adherence to fundamentalist religious practices politicized every sphere of civic life, including international law (think, de-funding family planning facilities overseas, or starting a holy war in the Middle East.) Gunc says, boo!