Brett Berk

How do you embarrass a tweenage niece? It’s easy: simply do or say anything, and the girl will immediately become rigid with shame. It’s even easier if you’re the Gay Uncle, as this affords you the possibility of…performing in ways that draw just the kind of outre attention over which pre-teens achieve mortification. For example: flouncing down the street, making snide sotto voce comments about the outfits worn by out-of-shape tourists, trying on ridiculous accessories in the epicenter of all that is cheap garbagey and Chinese-made Claire’s, or insisting on wearing one of these items–a black velvet headband onto which a tiny black velvet top-hat had been affixed, for the rest of the afternoon (even in Starbucks, where there might be “people who know me”). But apparently the best means for discomfiting a ten year old female relative is to cave in to her most pressing desire and agree to take her to see her second screening (in as many days) of the world’s most inane teenage vampire franchise, and then spend the entire film loudly whispering and pointing out which of the characters is HOT, and why or why not. Gunc highly recommends this activity. It’s very satisfying on multiple levels.

The Gay Uncle’s seven tween nieces are all obsessed with a recent movie–and no, I’m not talking about Lars VonTrier’s Antichrist. It’s that one with the chaste bloodsuckers. Anyway, he was down visiting of these girls, 10.5 year-old Amber, the day the movie opened, where he learned about a cute little trick the girl’s mother–Gunc’s sister Roxy–had just played (and which you might want to try at home). While Amber was in the bathroom getting ready for the screening, Roxy told her that she’d seen the girl’s #1 heartthrob, Rob Pattinson, on the Letterman show the night before. “He revealed some very interesting information,” Rox shouted through the door. “What was it?” Amber answered, interest piqued to fissile levels. Roxy paused, for dramatic effect. “He’s gay!” Amber, having grown up with the G.U. as one of her guiding mentors, didn’t stamp her foot or attempt to argue or reject this argument on Biblical grounds, she simply put down her brush, sighed once, and said, “I knew it!”

Roxy admitted that this was all a joke. But Gunc can’t help but wonder: what was her clue?

New episode of GLEE; new Fun & Faggy GLEE-cap from everyone’s favorite Gay Uncle.

Check it out.

Looking for even MORE of a Twilight: New Moon fix? More specifically, looking for one that has a trio of sexy topless cars matched up to a trio of sexy topless dudes from the movie? Then look no further. Click on over to the Gay Uncle’s alter-ego, Stick Shift, Vanity Fair’s gay car column, for a heap of hunk.

Here’s the link.

This week, over at the home of all that is logical and maternal, The Gay Uncle takes apart a new study that suggests Phthalates turn boys into sissies (and questions what the hell is wrong with sissies in the first place.)

Check it out.

In the Gay Uncle’s new role as Vanity Fair’s online “Fun and Faggy Editor”, he’ll be writing a weekly recap on his second-favorite TV show, GLEE. Here’s the first one, on this Wednesday’s episode, “Wheels”.

The kids at a Chicago middle school thought they were just engaging in goofy and ritual adolescent hi-jinks–like their peers in Animal House, Fame, or High School Musical–by starting a food fight in the lunchroom last week. But school security forces didn’t find their little game at all cute or amusing, and as the melee escalated, they called for backup. The result: twenty five tweeners were hauled off by the Chicago Police Department, handcuffed, thrown into a paddy wagon, and brought downtown to central booking where they were printed, photographed, and, as the New York Times reports, “treated like real criminals”.

Now the Gay Uncle is all for this kind of down-the-line, law-and-order implementation of firm-handed justice when it comes to actual transgressions like a six year-old bringing a folding silverware set to school. But throwing food? This is not a criminal offense. Wasteful? Yes. Of dubious nutritional value? Certainly. Cliché? Totally. Jail? Not so much. Instead of prison, the Gay Uncle recommends that the mischievous little boogers be asked to do all of the following:
1) Complete a caloric analysis of the food wasted versus energy expended in throwing it
2) Use the tossed food to cook a creative and nourishing meal for the real prison population
(extra credit: spoon feeding it to prisoners)
3) Clean up the cafeteria

Perhaps you have other suggestions on how to punish these hooligans? Have at it in “COMMENTS” below.

In his research on Ford Motor Company’s new, Yii-P! integrated rear-seat childrens’ entertainment technology (see this post), the Gay Uncle came across many and varied forms of piñatas. Piñatas shaped like meatballs, feet, cats, and Darth Vader. Piñatas shaped like devils, horses, donkeys, and unicorns. Even people dressed up like piñatas, which triggered in him an overwhelming desire to seek them out, hang them from the rafters of a dingy basement, and have a bunch of blindfolded children beat them with a broom handle until their insides poured out. But he found only one piñata shaped like a big ass.

Ford Motor Company announced today that it will include this, its patented Youth Integrated Individual Piñata technology (Yii-P), into the rear seats of all of its 2011 minivans, crossovers, and SUVs. According to Ford spokesperson Martin Doucheire, “kids these days” require new and novel forms of entertainment when in a vehicle. “Recent consumer research suggests that young children are bored with watching the same old shit Disney DVDs you’ve been showing them. With this new development, we add another compelling, attention-grabbing format to the in car amusement options.” Doucherie went on, “Plus, with the Hispanic market growing, and those people having so many kids, it’s a win-win.”

It wasn’t exactly clear how the proper quantity of cheap, stale candy is to be inserted into the inflated contraption–the press release said something about blowing it through the belt buckle using “good old-fashioned lung power” (though it advised strongly against doing so when a child is in the seat, in order to avoid “unnecessary liability”). But the manufacturer’s information packet did go into some detail regarding the proper implements for extracting it, recommending the use of items like “broom handle, police baton, pointed stick, or severed doll arm” but suggesting users stay away from things like “screwdriver, hunting knife, archery equipment, or any firearms.” It also noted that the technology is single use–though refills are available at Ford dealerships at a “moderate cost”–and can be covered in a variety of tacky and cliche crepe paper animal forms.

Visit my car blog, Stick Shift at VanityFair.com for more important automotive coverage.

[Photo Credit: Ford Motor Company]

You may remember my two big gay moms from this piece I wrote, or from the New York Times cover story in which they were featured last week. Well, if that wasn’t enough, they had their wedding this weekend, and The Advocate sent a reporter to cover it. This reporter also took photos. Prepare yourself for full-on fabulousness.

Click here.

[Photo Credit: Julie Bolcer]