This week, in his MOMLOGIC column, The Gay Uncle takes on Time magazine’s interpretation of a recent NIMH study on kids and gender. When it comes to this subject, nothing is ever as simple as it seems, even (especially) the teenage brain.
Divorce Proceeding
The Gay Uncle recently received a question from a regular reader about the recently divorced parents of her niece. “As near as I can figure,” the woman wrote, “my brother and his wife have never really told their daughter Megan that they”re splitting up: though she”s quite comfortable having two houses, and certainly recognizes that mommy lives in one and daddy in the other. Now, my ex-sister-in-law has a reasonably serious boyfriend, and with that comes a fair amount of makey-outy in front of Meg. Is this behavior problematic in the absence of any coherent explanation? I don’t think Meg is particularly traumatized””she doesn’t appear to be acting out””but after she spent the night with us recently, she asked “Why is Rick coming to brunch with mommy?” Should we insert ourselves?”
This is a good question. Gunc thinks that since Megan is 5 1/2 and seemingly intelligent, she indeed deserves an explanation. But since the parents haven”t provided it, it”s not exactly the aunt and uncle”s place (yet) to take on this responsibility. What the G.U. would suggest however is that they use the niece”s post-sleep over question to cue the brother and sister-in-law in to her need. Kids can adapt to almost anything without showing signs of trauma, but for their long-term mental health, they need to have big situations like this explained to them in an age-appropriate way that allows them to absorb, process, ask-questions, and receive answers. (Note that this, like most things with young kids, is not necessarily a linear process, meaning that it may take multiple efforts for it to make sense, and feel fully explained.) But the fact of Megan asking this question suggests that she wants more of an explanation of what”s going on than “mommy and daddy have different houses”.
The Gay Uncle recommends that the reader tell her brother and sister-in-law about this, and suggest that they provide her with some further information about their situation. She can handle it if it’s delivered properly; she eventually won’t be able to if it isn’t. If, after the reader points this out, her siblings still don”t offer explanations, then Gunc thinks it’s safe to step in next time the girl asks, or even next time they see her. (The fact that she asked them about this indicates that she either may not feel comfortable asking it of her parents or has asked them about it already and gotten the brush off.) Dear reader can bring up her question and offer up answers. She may even want to think of examples of people in the niece”s life””either kids or adults””who have gone through divorce themselves. Concrete examples can really help make sense of these things for kids. Gunc also recommends these two books for concretizing this issue, and the providing ways to discuss it with young children.
Let’s Talk About: Divorce, Fred Rogers
Dinosaurs Divorce, Marc Brown
Shrieking Granny Justice II
The Gay Uncle spent another lovely day in the company of in-laws today, hiking through some brushy woods down to a ice cold stream, where he and the other nine family members were feasted upon by an endless swarm of deerflies and horseflies for several hours. On the way home, fed up with being trapped in the car, and full from a roadside meal, he and his sister-in-law Lizzie and his youngest niece Daphne decided to get out walk down the 1/2 mile driveway leading up to their rental house. Being sporting, Lizzie challenged the seven year old to a race, which, about six bounds in, led to the girl doing a giant stomach-skidding, knee-and-elbow shredding, face-plant in the dusty gravel. Obviously, crying ensued, and the kid was rushed back into the car for the rest of the trip. “Daphne,” Gunc’s mother-in-law said sternly after traveling about ten feet with the weeping girl. “If you want to continue that crying, you are going to need to cry silently, without making any noise.” The Gay Uncle finds this instruction intriguing, as he believes that one of the core cathartic properties of crying comes from its howling/bawling aspect. But Episcopalians must think different. “Your crying is making me nervous,” grandmother Sarah explained, “and I can’t drive when I’m nervous.” What will Granny propose next? Mouthless chewing? Armless handstands? Wheelless bicycling? Your guess is as good as Guncs.
Parenting Tribunal
Always wanted to tell other people how to raise their kids? Think your way is best? Simply have a big mouth? Well, here”s your chance to let the world hear your voice! Tribune newspapers parenting columnist (and good pal of the Gay Uncle) Heidi Stevens has started up a new parenting column””The Parent ”˜Hood””in which real moms and dads write in with questions, and real moms and dads give the answers. And they”re looking for folks to respond to a fresh new set of readers” problems. The issues are listed below. If you have a (brief) solution for any of these dilemmas, they want to hear from you. Simply e-mail your answers to parenthood@tribune.com And be sure to include your first and last name and your hometown, (as well as some mention of the question you”re responding to.) Join the conversation! Help others! Rule The Parent ”˜Hood!
Upcoming topics:
1. You’ve gotten in the bad habit of buying your child a “special treat” every time he/she behaves at Target. Now he/she expects a gift every time you enter a store. How do you break the cycle?
2. Your tween daughter came home from a friend”s house wearing heavy makeup. It looked atrocious and she seems too young. But she, of course, loves it. What do you do?
3. Your child”s pal gets everything she asks for (think multiple American Girl dolls) and your child wants to know why you won”t offer up the same. How do you handle?
4. Your son chews his nails incessantly. You’ve tried the nasty-medicine-on-his-fingers trick, rewards, punishments, ignoring the behavior. Nothing makes it stop. What should you do?
5. Meals have become less-than-nutritious endeavors at your house, with your kids demanding hot dogs and chicken fingers or nothing. How do you get them to stop the junk food gluttony?
Rabies Hunting
The Gay Uncle was rewarded today. Just by spending the afternoon hours with his brother-in-law Marty during their family vacation in Montana, delicious fresh material for this site was delivered to him, like manna from heaven. All it took was the sighting of a native rodent, a few beers, and Marty’s fertile mind, and an incredible plan was hatched. “Let’s set up a trap on the porch to try to catch one of those prairie dogs,” Marty exclaimed, immediately rushing around the house in a frenzy. He gathered up a few key but apparently unrelated items: fishing line, a fork, a plastic dog dish, a rock, some sourdough bread, a cell phone charger, a trout fly, and a jar of peanut butter, and before the G.U. could say, “This won’t end well” he’d assembled a makeshift trap–like something primitive man might have made if he had begun his evolutionary path in a Bass Pro Shop–and was baiting it with a tiny sandwich. “We’ll put a little more peanut butter here in order to lure him up,” Marty said, as he smeared a dollop on the edge of the deck. He then ran the filament to the fork/trigger, stepped inside the house, and closed the sliding glass door, leaving it open just enough to allow the cell phone charger cord to which he’d tied the line some slippage.
The first “test” of the mechanism revealed it to be functional. “We’re going to nab that little fucker,” Marty gurgled gleefully from his perch behind the curtains. He reset the trap and opened another beer. As he did, Gunc poured a second vodka tonic, doing his best to keep up. “Can I ask you a question?” he said to his B.I.L. “What do you plan to do with the prairie dog if you succeed in catching him?” Marty cocked his head and donned an expression that was a close approximation of what other people look like when they’re thinking, and smirked. “I think Brookie,” his 9 year old, “said she wanted to pet one. I guess I’d probably put it in her room. Like, under her pillow, or in the closet or the dresser” His daughters were on a shopping expedition with their grandmother and auntie and were expected back any time. “Can you imagine the look on her face if she found that there?”
The Gay Uncle did not answer. Honestly, he could not.
Shrieking Granny Justice
The Gay Uncle is on vacation with his boyfriend’s family this week, which means: NEW MATERIAL. The first bit arrived this afternoon when his mother-in-law got fed up with the constant shrieking of his three car-ridden nieces, Violet, 9; Brooke, 9, and Daphne, 7. She’d already nearly lost it the night before, when the girls–just having reuinted for the first time in months–were expressing their loud, noisy, shrill but appropriately child-like joy over the re-cousinification proceedings in downstairs porch of the rental house in which they’re all staying. (Gunc and his BF are in a cabin down the hill.) But after a long drive through a nearby National Park this afternoon, Granny was notably more fed up. “If you girls do not stop that shrieking right this instant,” she lectured while the girls sat belted into their seatbelts in the rental car, “the next time you do it, I’m going to have to spank whoever shrieks. And,” she paused, for dramatic effect. “I don’t even believe in spanking.”
The Gay Uncle marveled at the logical loops of this narrative. How does one go about being forced to do something in which one does not even believe? He thought of prayer, or Republicanism. But beyond this, he pondered the probable results of implementing this disciplinary system. The girls shriek. Granny beats. The result? MORE SHRIEKING. Problem solved???
Brüno/Humpday
Neither one is about kids–or cars for that matter–but since they both play on being gay, VanityFair.com let the Gay Uncle un(fudge)pack Brüno and Humpday. Check it out.
Disney Study
Sometimes I feel like a Genderless Child
The Gay Uncle recently read about a very interesting solution to the question of gender identity. A Swedish couple has decided not to tell anyone whether their kid–who they call Pop–is a boy or a girl. This is meant to free the child from the social construct and stereotypes associated with the male/female dichotomy, something the Gay Uncle has written about rather extensively in the past. He thinks this is kind of an interesting experiment, in the same way as raising a child without anything to play with, or only feeding them Ensure might be “interesting”. In other words, it’s a dorky stunt. First off, gender development–like food–is not something you can wholly insulate a child from, nor does it seem particularly wise to do so. Kids, like the rest of us, live in society, and while our rules about boys and girls may be fucked up, its more germane to give them tools to question these ideas than try to bury their heads (and private parts) in the sand . Second, while “society” is one of the big influencers on how kids understand gender, other important sources come into play, namely family; and since Pop’s parents and a few others do know what’s going on inside the diaper, Gunc finds it hard to believe that some of this won’t seep through, rendering the experiment somewhat futile. Third, whenever we create something totally illicit and secretive with young kids, it forms a correlative and greater interest in that very thing, so while these Swedes might think they can keep this from Pop and its peers, a countervailing force–Pop itself–will likely exert some other form of influence, and soon. And finally, gender development isn’t something that ends at age three or four, when Pop will likely be released from the experimentally controlling situation of its family and into the social world of school where folks are bound to find out what’s up down there. Then what?
The Gay Uncle suggests that if you would like to conduct an “experiment” about something like this, you use a subject other than a living, functioning, human child. Maybe an art installation would be a better solution?
Cool It
Cool Moms pick the Gay Uncle. Shouldn’t you?