Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle discovered something very interesting today while on location in the Midwest working on a consulting project for a major food manufacturer. He was doing what is called a “shop along”. This is when he follows a consumer around a supermarket, peppering them with important questions about how they make their purchase decisions. Things like, “Why is that the right time for consuming cheese?” or “What else do you like to put peanut butter on?” The people he is following take these questions very seriously–as does he–in part because they’re getting paid (as is he.) They also seem to really enjoy the opportunity to have someone to talk to, or more often, someone to listen to them talk. Why is this? Because people relish feeling important, no matter how minor their relevance. Because people appreciate having their opinions valued, even if its by someone who is going to go out into the parking lot moments after they finish and mercilessly ridicule everything they said. And because we live in an alienating society in which most folks feel desperately lost and alone, without any social safety net or support, and fear they’re just one tiny mistake away from residing in a cardboard box beneath an underpass, eating cat food. How does the G.U. know this? Because during his store-walk today, while he and his consumer were paused in front of a display featuring a new Pop Tart product–one that provides 20% of the recommended daily allowance of fiber–the woman he was trailing launched into a very candid, confessional, and in-depth description of how she should probably consider purchasing that product because her nine year-old has a situation that would benefit from it. “He can’t go,” she stage whispered. Gunc smiled. “That’s a common issue.” The woman widened her eyes. “No. I mean, it’s serious. He. Can’t. Go. We had to take him to a pediatric gastroenterologist. And the doctor had to stick his finger up my son’s butt. My son cried and cried. And I said to the doctor, after he’d finished. I’m so sorry that you had to do that. That must be the worst part of your job. And the doctor looked at me and said. Don’t be sorry. I’m a pediatric gastroenterologist. That is my job. This is what I do all day. This is 95% of the cases I see. And I thought to myself. This guy is sick. So I really should get those Pop Tarts. My son likes Brown Sugar Cinnamon, so I’ll get that flavor.” The Gay Uncle, for one small moment, was rendered speechless, as he watched this mom put the toaster pastries in her cart. But he recovered quickly. “Shall we move on to the refrigerated meats? I’m very interested in hearing how you use those.”

Live in or near a resort town, and at a loss for what to do with the kiddies this week? Here’s an idea from The Gay Uncle’s not-quite brother-in-law, Nick, father of his adorable nieces Cakes (1), Lucia (10), and Faye (9), and step-father to niece Amber (10). Apparently, during dull an otherwise day last weekend, brilliant Nick was struck with a realization: it’s Spring Break. So in response, he belted all the girls into the minivan, rolled down all the windows, cranked the A.C., and drove up and down the main drag of Key West, Florida–where they all live–screaming at the clots of College Kids who stood outside every bar teetering, leering, and/or throwing up into their cups of cheap beer and vodka/Diets. “Woooo-hoooo!!!” he had the girls shout. “Spring Break!!! 2009!!! Rock on!!!!” As a means of penetrating a bit deeper into the local culture, he even had them ad-lib a bit based on whatever identifying phrases were written across the chests or asses of their cut-off sweats and t-shirts. When the girls saw the orange and green of University of Florida, they were told to shriek “Go Gators!”. When they saw the black and maroon of Florida State, they were told to holler “This is Seminole Territory, Yo!!” Gunc can’t remember any of the other colors or team names, but take it from him. It. Was. Awesome. Plus, it taught the girls how to make fun of fraternity douchebags, something that will certainly come in handy as they enter their adolescent years.

Do you feel like you’re missing out on some Gay Uncle goodness? Do you fear that there is too much going on in the G.U.niverse for you to track properly? Is actually caring for your child taking precedence over learning how best to care for your child? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, Gunc has a solution. Join him on Facebook and Twitter and receive regular updates on events, press, and his constant stream of stunningly vital publications in places like Babble, Momlogic, and COOKIE. You child is changing every day. Do you really want to miss some valuable nugget that could solve tomorrow’s problems? The Gay Uncle didn’t think so.
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In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in a hideous depression in this country. Wait! Allow the G.U. to rephrase that. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in a hideous depression in this country in just about every way but one. Babies! That’s right, a new report from the Center for Health Statistics has shown that more shrieking American infants were born in 2007 than in any other year, ever–including the former tippy-top banner of the birth-heap record-setting year of 1957 Of course, back then, our country had about half as many women, each having twice as many bundles of joy, which had its own benefits, including providing the huge demographic clump of people who would take up the mantle of disco dancing twenty years later when Saturday Night Fever was released, and gifting the world with such all-star talent as Katie Couric, Donny Osmond, Ray Romano, and Vannah White (all born that year!) The G.U. likes things better now. Not because he’s fundamentally opposed to large families. Someone’s got to plow the fields as Pa ages. Plus, he’s the second of a brood of four, and he loves his siblings more than anything. (It’s his mother he can’t stand.) No, he likes more moms to have fewer kids, because he knows from his years as a youth and family market researcher that parents tend to purchase the greatest number of supplies for their first child, and if more women are having fewer children, it means that there are more first children being born, and thus a larger opportunity for him to sell his stellar parenting book, The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting. So keep up with your limited breeding, people. It works for all of us. (Plus, we don’t need any more Ray Romanos. Ew.)

The G.U. has received a number of Wii based questions from parents recently, the great majority of them falling into the categories of “How do I get my husband to share the Wii with the kids?” or “How do I keep my child (and husband) from becoming a Wii addict?” Gunc will admit that he appreciates the idea that the Wii can make one more active–or, more active than other video gaming systems. But this is not a replacement for teaching your kids (or husband) balance in terms of screen time and other endeavors, or suggesting that they enjoy the outdoors. (It’s that stuff on the other side of your windows–90 degrees to the right of the flat screen, in case you’ve forgotten what those are too.) So he was thrilled when he received a note from his friend Ethel yesterday that described a viable alternative. Her boys Lucian, 10 and Gregor, 7 (you may remember them from the post Youth, Racial Healing, and the Obama Election) have been requesting a Wii for some time, but Ethel didn’t want it in her home. So she bought it and installed it at her parent’s place–about an hour outside the City–and told the boys it was an Xmas gift from the Grandparents. This solution has resulted in a number of positive repercussions. The kids can’t wait to visit their grandparents every weekend. They get to go Wii-ing, but don’t have enough regular access to the console to develop a daily habit. And the grandparents–who used to protest that watching the boys on their own was too difficult–are much more willing to take them for a night or two without the parents present, because when the adorable little hellions come to visit, Grandma and Grandpa just set them down in front of the Wii. “It’s so much easier,” they told Ethel. Being who he is, the Gay Uncle asked if the grandparents play too. “No, my parents don’t play (can you imagine?) But they did make Miis of themselves (the avatars), which are hilarious. I think my dad made himself a six foot tall black man.” Gunc give Grandpa two more months before he’s boxing with the boys. Still, he chalks one up to Ethel for finding the middle ground. And for exporting addiction.

In his MOMLOGIC column this week, the Gay Uncle explores the confluences of long-term friendship, pregnancy, and vagina waxing (or, not waxing). Title: “It’s a Jungle Down There”. You have to check it out.

The Gay Uncle just read that Marcus Ewert and Rex Ray’s book 10,000 Dresses was nominated for a Lambda Literary Award. He applauds this, not only because he is a huge supporter of gay and lesbian themed picture books for young kids (particularly ones that don’t suck) as you can read in this piece in Babble, but because he loved Marcus’ book in particular, as expressed in this review in his Momlogic column. Way to go, Marcus.

Last night, the Gay Uncle talked to a close friend who recently had twins, bringing the number of children-under-three in his household to three. This means that he and his wife are outnumbered, which, as anyone who has taken a course on military strategy or colonial history knows, means one or more of the following: 1) you need to have superior strength and firepower 2) you need to recruit some of the opposition onto your team 3) you need to bring in reinforcements. It seems that they’re pretty much winning right now. They’re great parents (the mom was an early childhood educator in the past, which helps.) Their older daughter has been enlisted in helping out with the little boys, when she’s not trying to kill them. And they have a balletic parade of child-care assistants coming through their house, including a full time nanny and a rotating crew of evening and weekend sitters–plus their toddler is in preschool. (They’re both doctors and each work more than full time.) But the one area they’re struggling with is sleep. Big surprise with two seven-month olds, right? But it’s not their own nocturnal schedules with which they’re grappling–they had a kid before, they know the deprivation/sonambulary drill. It’s the boys’. Apparently, when one has twins, it’s easier to feed them both at once, rather than run an all-night Dairy Bar. But, ever since these two were in-utero, they’ve had very different personalities–during a get-together last summer, the G.U.’s boyfriend Tal nicknamed them Swimmy and Lazy–which have translated into varied needs in terms of the nighttime lacto-craving. So while active squirmy Swimmy gets hungry ever two hours, and is becoming quite the bruiser, his brother Lazy is a bit more laconic and disinterested. Their solution? They make the scrawny, sated one eat whenever his bigger bro does. “Swimmy gulps it down,” Gunc’s friend told him. “But Lazy? He sort of gets force fed.” The Gay Uncle thought of veal calves, chained up in a pen, and intubated with a giant milk straw, on which they guzzle until their muscles atrophy. (Mmmm. Tender.) But his friend had a different food metaphor. “It’s like those geese they use to make Foie Gras. Open wide!” And you wonder why the G.U. never had kids?

The Gay Uncle spent a day in Washington D.C. this week, speaking before members of the Federal Government. No, his testimony was not the result of that silly little extrajudicial transfer flight he took to Jordan during the tail end of the last administration (or was it Syria? Gunc can’t remember. Maybe it was that hood he was wearing the whole time. And the genital Tasering. And all those dogs.) Rather, he was invited to be an expert panelist in a conference on “Children and the Commercial World”, a fact-finding discussion set up to help the Federal Trade Commission create a functional, cool, and motivating program to teach young people Advertising Literacy skills, things like: understanding the tricks and tools of the advertising industry; decoding the origin, motivation and messages embedded in advertisements, and; learning to be smarter, more informed and discerning consumers of our material world. As any of you who have read the Gay Uncle’s spectacular and critically acclaimed book will know, he’s been a big advocate for just this kind of national program for some time. So he was thrilled to be a part of the process. As an added bonus, he learned all sorts of interesting stuff, met some really smart people, and found out that whatever you say to the U.S. Government becomes official public record. (Gulp!) If any of you die-hard fans want to watch him do his wind-up-monkey routine in The District, here’s a link to the webcast. Gunc believes that he said a few smart things, but more than this, was fundamentally impressed by the wisdom of his co-panelists. He’s in Panel 2.

Check out the Gay Uncle’s column in MOMLOGIC this week, all about how to help those moms who are mired in making different meals for each kid at dinnertime every night. Follow his six quick steps to food freedom.

Be advised, Gunc’s suggestions do not include uttering the words “Kiss my grits!”