Brett Berk

As you may recall, The Gay Uncle has recently been spending a butt-load of time in California for work, so it was inevitable that the issue of Gay Marriage would come up. But it wasn’t inevitable that it would come in the context of one of his colleagues expressing her theory that part of the inspiration for people voting in the evil Prop 8 was based in their discomfort with having to expose their children to the idea of homosexuality at family weddings. “I took my sons to my cousin’s gay wedding,” she told Gunc, “without mentioning anything about it to them, other than that it was a party. And it went fine. At least until the vows ended. Then my boys suddenly started screaming. They’re kissing!, they yelled. Why are they kissing?”
The Gay Uncle didn’t feel it was his place to point out that there’s really no difference between “exposing” kids to homosexuality and “exposing” them to heterosexuality, something that goes on all the time. He also didn’t suggest that the idea of not prepping the boys for the ceremony seemed a bit silly, not to mention embarrassing for her cousin. Instead he simply nodded, interestedly. Fortunately, one of his other colleagues stepped in.
“My son found out about what gay means on the school bus. From Brian Bourdanglian–a fifth grader.”
The G.U. cocked his head and wondered, were charges pressed?
“I would have preferred to be able to explain it myself,” his co-worker continued. “We’d already talked about the birds and the bees, but up until that point, I’d explained sex purely in terms of being the functional process of trying to make a baby. The whole guy-on-guy thing forced me to have to confront the idea of sex for pleasure. With my eight year-old.”
“What’d you say?” the Gay Uncle asked. He affected a clinical tone. “…You know how it feels good when you touch your penis?”
His colleague shot him a look. “No.” She cleared her throat. “I described it in terms of adult pleasure.”
“And what was his response?”
“Nothing much. He simply looked from me to my husband with disgust, as if he’d just discovered that at night, once he went to his room, the two of us sat up for hours feeding each other dog shit.” She smiled. “But a few nights later, he came into our room to ask if he could sleep in our bed–I let the boys fall asleep in there sometimes. But I was tired that night and in no mood to share my space, and I must have sighed. He got this look on his face. What’s the problem? he asked, gesturing over at the other half of the bed. You and daddy still have all that room over there for sex.” She scowled comically. “Fucking Brian Bourdanglian.”
The gays out the idea of sex for pleasure, Gunc thought. Score another one for the home-o team.

The Gay Uncle explains to The Chicago Tribune what to do when your kid says “That’s Not Fair”. Check it out here.

The Gay Uncle is now on Twitter whatever that is. Does anyone care? If you do, feel free to find him there. His code name is GayUncle.

Now that Barack has finally been elected–an objective the Gay Uncle has been actively supporting since 2006–he faces a number of extremely difficult tasks: choosing members of his transition team; selecting qualified people to run the governmental departments currently led by incompetents, antagonists, and party hacks; and burying the Republicans in a shitstorm so deep that the GOP will need to change its nick-name. But no challenge will be as large as fulfilling the immense promise he made on the stage in Grant Park the other night: getting his daughters Malia and Sasha a puppy.

Gunc usually says, if you”re considering a pet, start small. It cuts on the initial investment (cost-wise and emotionally) and if the pet dies (which it eventually will) it’s easier to replace. At the pre-school he ran, he had a policy excluding pets bigger than his hand, ones that had fur, or anything that needed to be taken home during vacations, leaving a horde of snails””all bred, hermaphroditically from a pair found under a slide at the playground–as the classroom mascot. The kids used to delight in letting the molusks slither up their arms, and watching them eat cucumber with the toothy mouth on the underside of their foot. Because they lived, mated, gave birth, and died with amazing alacrity, they were a great life cycle demonstration as well. They also make their own gravestones when they perish, leaving behind their calcified shell.

But Gunc generally feels that a living object like a pet should never be used as a bribe or reward. Such a practice, he suspects, falls into the category of Bad Karma. So he fears a bit for the ju-ju in the Obama’s new home. (Fortunately, this can be offset with some good Feng Shui. The G.U. suggests moving that quilted blue couch in the Oval Office about ninety degrees to the left, burning a smudge stick in any room Dick Cheney ever entered, and adding tons and tons of donkey figurines and fresh lilies.) At any rate, since it’s clearly too late for Barack to reneg on this canine campaign pledge, Gunc recommends–as with any new addition to a child’s life–that consistent and actionable structures need to be set up prior to the pooch”s arrival. Both girls are clearly old enough to perform daily caregiving tasks like feeding the puppy, taking it for a walk, and bathing it. But perhaps most importantly, it will be imperative to assign them the prestigious job of cleaning up its poo. Michelle has plenty of her own minefields to navigate. The Secret Service doesn’t need any additional duties (groan.) And the White House has been full of shit for long enough.

Gunc would also like to suggest that in order to get their total “buy-in” the girls be involved in naming the pet. Dogs’ names are often derived from the animal’s shape, color, or behavior (e.g. Pretzel, Goldie, Pissy-Puddles) so he doesn’t want to jump the gun on making recommendations. But he kind of likes the moniker Sarah Palin for a bitch.

The Gay Uncle is not gloating today. But he does have one thing to say: He’s extremely pleased that when Sarah Palin’s name was mentioned during poisonous toad John McCain’t’s deservedly contrite concession speech, the crowd of grotesque Republican true believers erupted into a spontaneous boo.

One more thing: Does anyone know Bristol Palin’s home address in Wasilla? The G.U. would like to send her an autographed copy of his book. Girlfriend’s going to need some good advice, and lord knows she’s not going to get it from any Secret Service mannies anymore.

It’s election day, and the future of our country (and world) is in your hands. The Gay Uncle doesn’t care what your political preferences are, so long as you make sure you get your lazy ass to the polls, carefully consider your decision, and then VOTE FOR BARACK. Gunc means it. For the sake of your children, you better vote Obama. Unless you want them to spend their formative years looking at John McCain’s mean ugly face, and suffering through his mean ugly policies. Or if you like the idea of them living in a cardboard box, wearing a barrel, and eating shoe leather soup. Or if you actually hate polar bears. And ice. We have a chance, maybe our last good onee, to make something of this country besides a mess. Take it.

The Gay Uncle’s extended family had a banner meeting this past weekend, when his boyfriend Tal’s brother Marty went down to the Keys with his daughters to meet up with Gunc’s sister and her two girls. Marty can be something of a wild card (you might remember him from this piece, and this one) and while his children are generally delightful, putting four kids in the same room always has the potential to degenerate. So the G.U. was pleased to hear that there was no name-calling, fistfights, eye scratching, or other forms of smackdown. Not that he really expected anything like this (though maybe for the sake of this column, he hoped for a bit more conflict.) The girls discussed school, activities, and recent films in a very refined manner, the only blip being an eruption over a noise-making, squishy, duck toy, the incessant squeezing of which caused the Gay Uncle’s sister Roxy to lose her shit, and scream at Marty’s older daughter. “Enough with the duck!” (This blow-up also resulted in his niece Amber taking her mom aside for a gentle scolding, “Mama. I think you went a bit overboard with the whole duck thing.”) Gunc couldn’t figure out why this summit had such a polite temper, until Roxy revealed that its wheels had been greased by the presence of the ideal (children’s) social lubricant: immense bags of Halloween candy. Apparently, the girls all had their booty-satchels with them and spent much of their together-time laying out their collections, sorting them by shape, size, color, ingredients, and brand (and presence or absence of razor blades), and then performing sophisticated swaps and trades. Though Gunc recalls the delights of this practice with his three siblings–all of whom had staked out very different confectionary preferences– he’s not exactly sure what the exchange rate is anymore on Reese’s, Snickers, Twix, and Dots. Are Three Musketeers plummeting with the dollar? Is Toblerone rising with the Euro? And what about Swedish Fish? Anyone have any ideas?

One of the Gay Uncle’s readers recently posed an interesting series of questions regarding how folks will be dealing with the spookiest of scary holidays this year. Since her inquiries truly…piqued Gunc’s interest, he thinks her missive is worth quoting in its entirety.

Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors. I thought that may be a little overboard, but it had some other good suggestions for some precautions I haven’t thought about. Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door to prevent that from happening again. I don’t know yet. What’s your advice? Am I over-reacting or just being a concerned mom?

Since there are so many different ideas and concerns included here, the G.U. is going to try to address them one at a time.

1) Whats everyone doing for safety precautions for Halloween? Well, Gunc and his boyfriend are planning on sitting in a friend’s new hot tub, getting wasted, and watching zombie movies on a big screen using said friend’s new DVD projector. Their “safety precautions” will include having plenty of towels and robes around in case any kids drop by. They’re hoping this will keep them from spending the weekend in jail.

2) My husband came across an article with some info about background checking neighbors. The G.U. asked a brutally intelligent mom friend who chairs a commission on childhood sexual abuse about this one, and she said that folks should definitely be aware of any sex offenders that live in their neighborhood, though she cautioned–with a commendable degree of rationality–that “convicted and released sex offenders are the tippy-tippy-top of the mountain of risk in terms of children and abuse. Nearly 90% of kids who are abused are molested by family members.” She went on, “There is no way to absolutely ensure that your child is safe. Do what you can, within reason, but remember that accepting the presence of risk is part of life.”

3) Last year my youngest son came down with a massive fever after Halloween. The Gay Uncle would like to point out that there are a number of factors that may have potentially been involved in this boy’s illness other than the endemically infectious nature of the holiday. First, Halloween comes during a season called “Fall”, the time of year when children return to the Petri Dish/Germ Pool of school, when the weather often vacillates wildly between warm and cold, and when kids frequently O.D. on sugar, all of which tend to compromise their immune systems. Gunc is willing to bet that the boy wasn’t Roofied, dosed, or a victim of bio-terrorism, but that he caught a bug from a classmate, refused to wear his coat over his Wonder Woman costume, and/or simply ate one too many pounds of candy corn. Next question.

4)I almost thought about just taking the kids to our church’s fall festival this year instead of door-to-door Given the lax standards for admission to most churches, and the number of sinners that come through them on a weekly basis, the Gay Uncle would like to posit that the basements and rec rooms of such locales likely have a higher infectious bacteria count than subway poles, kitchen sponges, or gas station toilet seats combined. (While cleanliness is next to godliness, the reverse is not necessarily true.) And the whole bobbing for apples thing that often takes place at these festivals–while ultimately resulting in a lower sugar intake than T-or-T-ing–requires immersing your child’s vulnerable oral and nasal passages in warm, germy, kiddie-face water. Plus, if you’re going to a church to avoid Stranger Danger, Gunc has one word of warning: Priests.

The Gay Uncle is in Sacramento this week, working on a consulting project for a major manufacturer of kids’ educational electronic toys. Though he usually lives his life in something of a mainstream media blackout, when traveling, he finds TV and Clear Channel more difficult to avoid: they’re playing in the rental car shuttle, the waiting area in the airport, or the taxi to and from JFK. He’s no newbie–he’s seen the kind of garbage ads that get perpetrated during a political season; he actually finds some of them kind of funny from an objective perspective. But nothing prepared him for the bilous streams of hot hate that the folks in favor of Proposition 8 (outlawing the already sanctioned gay marriage) are dumping into the California media supply. Sitting in P.J. McFunsies–the bar in his hotel lobby–last night, he was shit-blasted with at least two or three examples. Now the G.U. isn’t particularly interested in getting gay married himself–he and his boyfriend look stupid in matching white tuxedos, he finds it difficult to pick rice out of his frizzy Jewfro, and he believes that the bundle of rights that come with marriage would be better acquired through campaigns for things like universal health-care and tax reform–but still, he finds it difficult to understand just what it is about the practice that has these concerned citizens so up in arms. He’s working on an article right now about the “New Queer Media for Kids” that will cover off on some of the books, movies, and tv shows aimed at children that promote the Homosexual Agenda–many of which deal with two dudes or two chicks (or two male guinea pigs or female songbirds) getting married, so stay tuned here for some exciting and bombastic theories.

This week, the Gay Uncle’s sort-of weekly column on Yahoo’s parenting site is all about one of his favorite topics: teaching little boys to pee sitting down. The piece contains five thrilling reasons why young males should be initiated into this practice, and not one of them has anything to do with emulating the way that Sarah Palin urinates. Check it out.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/true-mom-confessions-answers-with-uncle-brett-5-reasons-to-let-your-son-pee-sitting-down-295030/;_ylt=AuM8IPblm.GSeWu4CqTXPdFhbqU5