The Gay Uncle read something very interesting this weekend, an article about scientist parents who use their own children as research subjects! It seems that, in light of the tightening restrictions on the use of young humans as guinea pigs, the dwindling pool of foundlings, and the discomfort that many folks feel at allowing someone to experiment on their kid, Dr. Mom or Dr. Dad are signing their own children up as participants. One father strapped a camera to his newborn’s head so he could record every single thing the baby looked at. Another put all three of his kids through repeated MRIs. And, in what the G.U. thinks might be an invasion of privacy, another wired his house with dozens of video cameras and microphones, recording every move and sound his son–and anyone else who dropped by–made for his first three years. (Guests were eventually asked to sign releases, and the university oversight board strongly recommended against taping any bathroom action: drat!)
Now, the Gay Uncle has conducted quite a bit of scientific research with young kids himself, mostly concerning the educational effects of watching TV–some of it for the U.S. Department of Education–so he knows first-hand the value of studies with live subjects. His research entailed little more than having participants view episodes of Curious George, Word World, or Caillou and then answering a few questions. He feels proud of this work, and wouldn’t hesitate to ask his friends or family members to participate if needed (okay, maybe not on the Caillou project, which may transgress the Geneva Conventions). But repeatedly running your child through a body scanner, or forcing them to constantly wear an electrode-studded cap so you can study their brain waves? Come on. If you saw someone doing this at the supermarket, you’d call Child Welfare.
Gunc’s objections are myriad. He believes it impossible to avoid bias when studying one’s own child. He has concerns about the lack of oversight inherent in circumventing third-party approval. And he’s uncomfortable with the slight echoes of Dr. Mengele. But more than all this, the G.U. believes this is just another example of our contemporary struggle with what he calls Texas Hold-‘Em style “All In Parenting”: an inability for parents to separate themselves and their own needs from those of their child. Kids are born individuals and should be treated as such, not as extensions of one’s own whims, vanities, style statements, or professional advancement. Likewise, parents need and deserve some form of life (professional, peer-based) separate from their role as a mother or a father. Raising your child in a petri dish achieves neither of these objectives. It is simply an extreme example of the Parenting Bubble in which he feels so many families are currently locked.
The Gay Uncle cannot believe it: his little niece “Cakes” is turning one today. She is truly one of the most sophisticated and advanced babies in the world, as evidenced by this incredible picture of her engaging her super-powers in order to levitate, as well as render herself invisible to the naked eye. It’s fortunate that the G.U. is a master photographer–as shown in his 
The Gay Uncle is in Chicago working on an article for the fabulous parenting magazine 
The Gay Uncle is headed to Chicago to work on an article for COOKIE magazine in which he follows a mom around as she searches out a preschool for her daughter. It’s supposed to be sort of a she said/he said (or she saw/he saw) piece, comparing what parents look for and see in an early childhood center versus what a trained educator like the G.U. spots. But it’s also going to be sort of instructional, letting parents know what kinds of questions they should be asking, and what kinds of things they should peel their eyes for, when considering a school. So here’s Gunc’s question to you: What do you want to know about picking a preschool? Let him know in the comments section below so he can be sure to look for that as he makes his rounds in the Windy City.
As we pass the end of what the Gay Uncle likes to call “Candy Season”¯””a time period that begins at Halloween and lasts through January 1st””and enter the “Dour Season”¯ of weather-based lock-down and ambitious New Year”s resolutions, he has a few thoughts on how to manage children”s intake of fun compelling garbage like sweets, snacks, and TV. 
Happy 2009! As your New Years gift, The Gay Uncle just found something brand new for you to worry about! Third Hand Smoke. According to researchers, people with kids who think that the issues related to second hand smoke can be solved by inhaling with a fan on, with the minivan window cracked, or by hiding in the bathroom behind closed doors, are ignoring all the special super-secret toxins that are clinging to their skin and clothes, which then get passed on to their beloved offspring. The G.U. knew that smokers’ hair stinks–his mom smoked More menthols for his entire childhood, even, memorably, while breastfeeding his little brother–but he didn’t know it was POISONOUS!! According to the inflammatory article he skimmed in the Times, among the substances present in third-hand smoke are “hydrogen cyanide, used in chemical weapons; butane, which is used in lighter fluid; toluene, found in paint thinners; arsenic; lead; carbon monoxide; and even polonium-210, the highly radioactive carcinogen that was used to murder former Russian spy Alexander V. Litvinenko in 2006. Eleven of the compounds are highly carcinogenic.” The article does not say anything about the dangers of hanging out in a smoky Richmond go-go-boy bar, or a cigarette-fueled Key West lounge, (or of smoking substances other than tobacco) so Gunc thinks he will plead not-guilty if he’s ever accused of having an impact on his nieces’ lifespan, mental prowess (or lack thereof), or mysterious immunity to chemical weapons. But all you smoking parents might want to invest in a good shampoo.
The Gay Uncle had a chance to visit with his LA-based friends Kate and Dylan over the holiday season, and to see their charming little buggers Max (6) and Athena (3). The kids had spent the entire day out with their old babysitter Eleini–a campaign funded by the parents to give the adults some alone time–and when they returned to the apartment that evening, they were tired, wound up, and excited. The girl was thrilled that the sitter had given her a share of the per-diem her parents had provided for the day’s festivities, stuffing about ten bucks into her chihuahua-shaped purse. “I got some dollars!” she exclaimed. This reminded the G.U. of the story of this girl’s first word. Frequently mistaken by casual listeners, who would coo and smile, She’s saying Mommy Athena’s initial utterance was less familial and more…financial. Actually, Kate would correct them, She’s saying MONEY. 
Because it’s pouring down snow in upstate New York, because his mother-in-law just returned from the Galapagos, and because he is already dressed in his tuxedo for the black tie New Years festivities he attends every year at the fanciest local (rural) nightclubs, the Gay Uncle is naturally thinking of…penguins. Well, also because he recently received the following note from his pal Romi Lassally, genius mom and creator/editor of the amazing site 
The Gay Uncle spent five nights with his in-laws last week. (Yes, F-I-V-E. Send medals.) He enjoyed about three and a half nights of quality time during this period, some of it with his three nieces. But five nights means five movies. These screenings bring the family together, allow the G.U. to drink his in-laws’ good liquor for free, and keep him out of the scary bars in his b.f.’s small Southern hometown. Screening films also provides a modicum of peace in the house each evening; without them the girls tend to spiral out into whimpering and whining, depriving the adults of any…adult time. Since it’s the only reliable way to control for the “taste” of others (his father-in-law’s Netflix selections literally consisted of: Oceans 11-13, and Wild Hogs) he and his boyfriend placed themselves in charge of the video store runs. Now that the girls are approaching the double digits, and aspiring toward even higher ages, the Guncles felt it was time to begin sharing some of their favorite teen movies. They were careful to pick films that had only the most chaste sexual content, and absolutely no violence, gore, or killing. But there was plenty of what his mother-in-law calls “cussing”. This didn’t bother Gunc in the least. He doesn’t have a problem with kids hearing swearing, or even swearing themselves so long as they do it properly, and without being injurious to others. But his sister-in-law Lizzie and infamous brother-in-law Marty seemed to take greater issue, so much so that Marty began personally censoring even mild curses like “ass” and “bitch” by screaming “BEEP” or distractingly reaching over and attempting to cover his girls’ ears, tactics that were at once annoying and ineffectual. The G.U. felt that his own method of setting standards and just letting the kids deal was much more successful, a fact that was proven out when the movie ended. “That was funny,” Lizzie said to the girls. “But what did you think of all that cursing?” Brookie, Marty’s oldest daughter, shrugged. “We hear it all the time from Mommy. We hear it all the time from Daddy. We hear it all the time from movies. We just know not to say any of it.” Chalk up another one for the G.U.’s patented method of empowering kids with the tools to analyze and understand the world, instead of trying (impossibly, unsuccessfully) to insulate them from it. 