The Gay Uncle went out canvassing for Barack again this weekend. But it was no ordinary, head out into the remote reaches of rural Pennsylvania with his boyfriend, knock on strangers’ doors and say, “Hi. We’re two gay guys from the City. Can we count on your vote for our candidate?” kind of thing, like it usually is around this time of year. Not at all. This time, his close friend Danika had emailed that she wanted to go to PA with him, inspired to hit the streets (for the first time since the Dukakis campaign) by her nine year-old daughter Erica’s desire to help elect the Big O. Mother and daughter were thrilled when Gunc told them he could provide a hook-up just across the river from his country house in a deeply red blob of the Keystone State, but as the date approached, little Erica became increasingly nervous. “She’s kind of shy around strangers,” Danika wrote “and she’s worried about having to talk to them.” Gunc replied reassuringly. “She doesn’t have to say anything. Her job is just to stand there and look cute, and help soften the effect of me and Tal’s presence so it doesn’t feel as much like we’re some invading fag army.”
The tactic seemed to work out in the field. The two families divided up into various mixed-gender pairs, and after four nauseating hours of driving, parking, and walking among the tiny unmapped dirt roads of a enormous lakeside development, the Gay Uncle is proud to report that only one of the “undecided” voters on their lists was still considering John McCain’t (and this person just happened to be an Evil Racist Bitch who said “it was too close to 9/11 to be voting for a candidate who was running as an African-American” whatever that means). The rest were strong for Barack. This was deeply satisfying to all of the participants. Even Erica said she enjoyed the adventure. But when Gunc asked the girl if the day had gone as she expected, she shrugged. “Not really. When you said we’d be going door-to-door, I sort of thought we’d be, like, parking on a street, going up to every house, and ringing the bell. Like Halloween” The G.U. nodded. There had indeed been more driving than interacting. (And a complete lack of costumes or free candy.) “But I felt like I did a good job using my special ability,” the girl said. The Gay Uncle squinted as if he didn’t understand. “You know,” she smiled. “Looking cute!”
The Gay Uncle had dinner with some parent friends the other night, and this couple told him about an interesting new trend in New York pre-schools. Apparently things have gotten so competitive in this category–with school directors being plagued by constant calls, demands for visits, thousand child wait-lists, and paper-bagged cash bribes–that some popular early childhood centers have chosen to go off line completely. They don’t have websites. They keep their phone numbers unlisted. They disavow signage, advertising, or press. Some have even gone so far as to require a secret knock and password before entering. Okay, that last bit is a lie, but they do operate solely on word of mouth and a certain hush-hush in-the-know quality–like the exclusive and unadorned nightlife spots that have sprung up around Manhattan in recent years–and when moms are granted an ultra-exclusive opportunity to tour the facility, they are required to vow that they will not tell anyone of the time or date of their rendezvous, not even their closest friends. Gunc’s pal was one of the fortunate few asked to drop by one day, and was shocked to see three of her closest mommy mates in the same group, not one of whom had mentioned the appointment to any of the others. Like most practices related to contemporary parenting the G.U. is at once horrified and intrigued by this, and is attempting to come up with an appropriate (and appropriately condemnatory) name for this practice or school. Extrapolating from the name of the bars that sprung up around New York during prohibition, but adding in a little crying toddler noise for good measure, so far he’s running with Shriekeasy, but he’s open to suggestions. Drop a line below with your ideas.
Confess and you shall be Answered…by the Gay Uncle. Read Gunc’s helpful tips on how to rid your child of an irritating Binky habit. Also effective for most other annoying appendage addictions.
You know what the Gay Uncle hears all the time from the members of his million-plus fan base? Adorable stories about their kids’ activities: My two year old daughter said fuck in the middle of church services. My son let his Tonka truck run into our street, causing a three car pile up. My toddler yanked her hamsters tail so hard that it pulled right off. And while he’s generally fascinated with tales like these, what he’s most interested in receiving are anecdotes about kids getting hurt. Not because he takes a prurient interest in children’s injuries, but because he wants to come up with creative ways to protect every single delicate inch of their vulnerable bodies. If he could, he would lock them all in padded rooms, wearing padded suits, until they were full grown, feeding them only organic soy-protein shakes (with a greens boost) through straws, like factory-farmed veal. But that’s not really an option (is it?). Well, fortunately for the youth of the world, some creative folks have beat him to the punch, at least in terms of a few frangible areas. Now, whenever you let your precious darling out of their rubber room, you can doll them up in the items pictured above.
Likely because of his penchant for routinely dissing the boatloads of idiotic baby crap that many parents feel obligated to buy, and then ruefully regret (see Chapter 2 of his book 
Ever wonder why your child doesn’t abide you when you talk? It’s because you’re doing it totally wrong! Check out this timely new chunk of advice from The Gay Uncle in this month’s issue of 
Loyal readers (or even those willing to scroll down a few entries) might remember the gay uncle, GU fan who wrote in recently asking about how to come out of the closet to his nieces. Of course, Gunc gave him some expert advice, of which he was very appreciative (as are ALL proper followers of the Cult of G.U.) Well, you will be happy (or relieved, or disinterested) to know that Gunc just received an update from said Other Gay Uncle, and the story ends in a form of snarky, but loving acceptance (as should all things Gay Uncle-related). The reader writes: 
The Gay Uncle is working on an exciting new article about how the financial crunch is affecting families all over the country, and he needs your help. He has to find a very wealthy family, a very middle class family, and a very working class family–all with kids in the 0-6 year old range–who he can interview briefly over the phone, and talk about the choices/changes they’re making in terms of things like food, leisure, education and transportation. Participating families would then be photographed for the piece as well.
The Gay Uncle’s family members are amazing in many ways. They’re intelligent, talented, funny, and successful. Some are musicians. Some tend bar. Some are nearly finished discovering the precise chemical formula for a once-a-day pill that will cure all forms of cancer. Oh, and some just happen to be tiny toddler BMX prodigies. (Click