Because it’s pouring down snow in upstate New York, because his mother-in-law just returned from the Galapagos, and because he is already dressed in his tuxedo for the black tie New Years festivities he attends every year at the fanciest local (rural) nightclubs, the Gay Uncle is naturally thinking of…penguins. Well, also because he recently received the following note from his pal Romi Lassally, genius mom and creator/editor of the amazing site True Mom Confessions:
I gave my son a club penguin membership for X-mas and he just informed me that he’s been married several times since becoming a member. I asked if he could only marry girls and he said “of course.” Any thoughts?
As all recent polling information has proven, young people are much less homophobic than older folks–at the very least, its clear that they oppose gay marriage in much smaller numbers than their more aged cohorts. And research has proven that when homosexuality is normalized instead of problematized–through education, through personal connection with a gay friend or family member–acceptance and understanding increases exponentially. The Gay Uncle recently completed a examination of the new Queer Literature for kids (which will be published later in January) that includes an analysis of the stellar gay penguin book “And Tango Makes Three” as well as instructional sections on how to “queer up” the books and media to which your kids are exposed, a practice he used to implement to great success at the preschool he ran in New York City. (Note: many of his former students are now teenage gay rights activists.)
Club Penguin is one of the most popular sites for kids ages 6-11. Since change often begins with the young, and since the Gay Uncle believes that everyone should be able to marry whoever they want–regardless of whether they’re men, women, or animated imaginary flightless water fowl–he and Romi are starting a campaign. As a kick-off, they’re launching a Facebook Group: Civil Rights for ALL Club Penguin Penguins. Click here to join it. And, please, spread the word.
The Gay Uncle spent five nights with his in-laws last week. (Yes, F-I-V-E. Send medals.) He enjoyed about three and a half nights of quality time during this period, some of it with his three nieces. But five nights means five movies. These screenings bring the family together, allow the G.U. to drink his in-laws’ good liquor for free, and keep him out of the scary bars in his b.f.’s small Southern hometown. Screening films also provides a modicum of peace in the house each evening; without them the girls tend to spiral out into whimpering and whining, depriving the adults of any…adult time. Since it’s the only reliable way to control for the “taste” of others (his father-in-law’s Netflix selections literally consisted of: Oceans 11-13, and Wild Hogs) he and his boyfriend placed themselves in charge of the video store runs. Now that the girls are approaching the double digits, and aspiring toward even higher ages, the Guncles felt it was time to begin sharing some of their favorite teen movies. They were careful to pick films that had only the most chaste sexual content, and absolutely no violence, gore, or killing. But there was plenty of what his mother-in-law calls “cussing”. This didn’t bother Gunc in the least. He doesn’t have a problem with kids hearing swearing, or even swearing themselves so long as they do it properly, and without being injurious to others. But his sister-in-law Lizzie and infamous brother-in-law Marty seemed to take greater issue, so much so that Marty began personally censoring even mild curses like “ass” and “bitch” by screaming “BEEP” or distractingly reaching over and attempting to cover his girls’ ears, tactics that were at once annoying and ineffectual. The G.U. felt that his own method of setting standards and just letting the kids deal was much more successful, a fact that was proven out when the movie ended. “That was funny,” Lizzie said to the girls. “But what did you think of all that cursing?” Brookie, Marty’s oldest daughter, shrugged. “We hear it all the time from Mommy. We hear it all the time from Daddy. We hear it all the time from movies. We just know not to say any of it.” Chalk up another one for the G.U.’s patented method of empowering kids with the tools to analyze and understand the world, instead of trying (impossibly, unsuccessfully) to insulate them from it. 
Here’s a new idea whose time has come: Sanctimonious Holiday Cards. The Gay Uncle recently received a “holiday greeting” from someone he knows in Berkeley, CA the other day. It was just like all the other cards he receives in the mail every year–containing blank-faced photos of his friends standing in some highlight-of-the-year location/vacation, smiling falsely, with their brood–save two minor points: 
The Gay Uncle was recently complaining to a colleague about how the holidays run at his in-laws house. He has three nieces on his boyfriend’s side, and in years past, the Christmas morning present-opening routine has been marked not by cheer, warmth, and love, but rather by infighting (“I like the green skirt! Why did she get the green skirt?”), ingratitude (“Is that all the presents?”), interjection (“Waaaaaah!!!), and–immediately upon the cessation of wrapping-ripping–inciting inflamation (“I’m bored.) So Gunc told his co-worker that, this year, he’s boycotting all present giving. Instead, he said, he’s making extra donations to charity in his nieces’ honor (Habitat for Humanity, a Food Bank, Planned Parenthood). “It’s no Wii,” he said, “but I feel much better about it.”
While he was down in the Keys with his family last week, The Gay Uncle was invited to read aloud to his nieces’ 4/5th grade class. There are about 30 kids in this Montessori group, and it is run by a hardcore practitioner, so when he arrived, instead of the usual happy teacher chatter he usually aims for in these situations, he was instructed to sit in a hard chair and simply “observe the children”. He tried his best to be unobtrusive, though it went against every fiber of his being. This was especially difficult since a) all three of his nieces (Amber, Lucia, and Faye) are in the class; b) he’s spent his entire professional career talking to kids; and c) he’d been out drinking until the wee hours the night before and had consumed about nine glasses of water that morning in an attempt to fight off a hangover. 
The Gay Uncle recently received a report on his six year old “nephew” Max. Apparently, a girl in Max’s class was behaving strangely toward him: hiding his windbreaker, grabbing the ball away from him on the playground, offering to be his math partner and then saying “psych”. The girl’s older brother–who is also in their class–wondered what was going on, so he asked his sister point-blank after school one day: “Truth: Are you in love with Max?” The girl reddened, and nodded. “Yes.”
You may recall that the Gay Uncle’s new niece, Cakes, is extremely precocious for a 10 month old baby. She walks, she eats mushrooms and spinach (and just about anything else you put in front of her). She laughs at the G.U.’s jokes. And she was reported to be able to say the word “Uncle”. Well, while Gunc was visiting her–and his mother, his sister Roxy, her b.f. Nick, and their other kids Amber, Lucia, and Faye–in the Keys this past week, he did his best to try to get the girl to utter the magic word…to no avail. “Uncle,” he said, over and over, leaning in toward her. “Uncle. Un-cle. Un-cle,” he said, smiling and pointing at himself. “At least say, Brett, you little doughball. The hard consonants are somewhat easier.” This went on for three entire days without end (or success). Then, on his last night in town (as with every other night) he was scheduled to go out for drinks with Roxy, and Cakes was all buckled into her car seat in back when designated-driver Nick pulled up to nab him. As you know, the Gay Uncle loves a captive audience, so he immediately started in on the Say Uncle bit again. The girl simply gurgled and smirked. She even said “Mama” once or twice, pointing at his sister. But then, just as they were pulling up to the bar, she cocked her head, pointed right at him, and–clear as a bell–said…“Gay!” No joke. Gunc didn’t even sigh. He just shrugged and accepted it. He is a professional Gay Uncle after all. Witness the note his older niece Amber wrote on the family calendar (in the image above) for the date he was to arrive in town. If you can’t read her scrawl, it says: “The Gay Uncle Comes In”
In case you missed any of the press the Gay Uncle garnered this week, here’s a quick re-cap:
The Gay Uncle is down in Key West this week, visiting with his sister, mom, and nieces. As part of their ongoing tradition of “Uncle Time”–dating back to when the girl could first scream the words UNCLE TIME!!–Gunc and niece Amber (now age 9) spent the afternoon together. They had ice cream, they had pizza, they visited the Aquarium, they watched an insane faux-French man juggle cats on the Sunset Pier. And, like any ideal visit with a pre-tween girl, they went shopping for crappy trinkets at the mall-famous store Claire’s. Later on, he met his sister Roxy for a drink or four, and they eventually got around to discussing U.T. Gunc described how he managed to embarrass the girl–not a very difficult practice with a nine year old–by swishing about, talking loud, and forcing her to toss tips into the buckets of the sunset performers. This was all old hat to Roxy, who shares her older brother’s…performative personality. What she wanted to know was how the G.U. managed to deal with Claire’s a source of endless tension/desire for the mother/daughter team. “Whenever we go there, she wants everything in the store. She nags, she wines, she drags her feet. We end up spending so much time, that by the end, I’m frustrated and don’t even want to get her anything.”