Throwing Fits

The Gay Uncle was recently invited to a friend’s country house for dinner. He got there early so that he could see his friends’ adorable kids Lou (2) and Henry (4 months). When he arrived, the family was out on their big elevated deck, which wraps around two sides of the house and affords an serene view over the treetops and to the local scenery. But all was not calm up above. As he approached, he heard conflict brewing. G.U.’s ears pricked up. He loves familial conflict. He thinks it’s usually pretty funny to watch parents engaged in a battle with someone one-fifth their size and with one-fifth their brain power. Plus, it often affords him an opportunity to insert his nosy, know-it-all self into the proceedings. “Louie. Stop throwing things off the deck,” his friend Peter shouted at is son. “You know that makes daddy angry. No, Lou. No. No. No!” Gunc saw a tiny sandal drift down to the ground, followed by a second sandal, and then some sort of minor barbecue tool. Knowing that nothing makes a straight guy angrier than someone messing with his grill equipment, Gunc was prepared for a severe punishment to be doled out, but his presence seemed to mediate things. “Louie just can’t seem to resist throwing things off the deck,” his friend explained, running down the stairs from the deck to say hi–and to pick up the shoes and tools and bring them back up. The Gay Uncle nodded. He’d seen this kind of problem many times before: parents attempting to stop their child from doing something that is exciting, interesting, and harmless without offering an explanation, time for adjustment, or an acceptable replacement activity; and then setting themselves (and their kid) up for the same thing to happen again by retrieving the ammunition an reloading the gun. He knew just what to do. “Throwing stuff off the deck probably one of the funnest and most satisfying things a kid can experience. Instead of fighting it, you just need to give him some parameters–like a limited bunch of things that are okay for him to throw–and get him involved in the clean up–picking them back up. Then, he’ll satisfy himself and leave you out of it” Gunc proposed giving Louie a small bucket of stuff–stuff big enough to see (so it doesn’t end up littering the lawn), like balled up old socks, mango pits, or brightly painted acorns. Then Lou could toss these off, bring his bucket down, find and retrieve his thrown objects, and repeat the process ad infinitum without involving or annoying anyone else. G.U. is not sure how this went–the boy went in for a bath, and the wine was brought out before the tactic could be put into practice–but he bets it worked. [For more examples, and a template for dealing with these situations, see his patented E.A.R. Explain, Adjust, Replace or C.O.O. Co-Option Option methodologies in his book, “The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting”]