Happy 2009! As your New Years gift, The Gay Uncle just found something brand new for you to worry about! Third Hand Smoke. According to researchers, people with kids who think that the issues related to second hand smoke can be solved by inhaling with a fan on, with the minivan window cracked, or by hiding in the bathroom behind closed doors, are ignoring all the special super-secret toxins that are clinging to their skin and clothes, which then get passed on to their beloved offspring. The G.U. knew that smokers’ hair stinks–his mom smoked More menthols for his entire childhood, even, memorably, while breastfeeding his little brother–but he didn’t know it was POISONOUS!! According to the inflammatory article he skimmed in the Times, among the substances present in third-hand smoke are “hydrogen cyanide, used in chemical weapons; butane, which is used in lighter fluid; toluene, found in paint thinners; arsenic; lead; carbon monoxide; and even polonium-210, the highly radioactive carcinogen that was used to murder former Russian spy Alexander V. Litvinenko in 2006. Eleven of the compounds are highly carcinogenic.” The article does not say anything about the dangers of hanging out in a smoky Richmond go-go-boy bar, or a cigarette-fueled Key West lounge, (or of smoking substances other than tobacco) so Gunc thinks he will plead not-guilty if he’s ever accused of having an impact on his nieces’ lifespan, mental prowess (or lack thereof), or mysterious immunity to chemical weapons. But all you smoking parents might want to invest in a good shampoo.