Will the questions from parents never cease? The Gay Uncle certainly hopes not, as then he’ll have to come up with his own ideas to keep this silly blog going. So he’s thankful to reader Beth who sent in this query. “Dear Gunc. Please help. My kids Jeff, 4, and Katie, 5 seem to be constantly fighting. Jeff is the one that seems to do the most damage (scratching, hitting, going for the eyeballs.) But sometimes it seems as if Katie wants to start something with him. I put Jeff in time out, which works–when I can keep him in the chair. But I’d like to establish some kind of action plan for peace in the household. What do you recommend?”
First off, the G.U. would like to state that sibling rivalry is perfectly normal, and a certain amount of conflict is to be expected. The sibling relationship is like a marriage, only you enter into it when you’re extremely young and immature, you’re competing for the attention of the gods you believe run the world, and you don’t get to pick your partner. Imagine how your current relationship would go if you were hobbled with those issues in addition to the ones you currently face.
That said, Gunc always posits that the best form of discipline is the kind that’s PRO-active instead of RE-active, and consistent instead of ad-hoc. Imagine yourself not as a fire fighter, but as a fire preventer. Issues often arise between siblings when kids are struggling over some limited resource, so try to have plenty of whatever you’re expecting them to share (many of one kind of toy is much easier to manage than one of many kinds.) Spell out your expectations and repercussions in advance, e.g. “These toys are for sharing. If you can’t share them appropriately, I won’t let you use them today and you’ll have to find something else to work with.” And for god’s sake, keep your rules simple and stable. Young kids have a hard enough time figuring out how the world works without your switching it up on them. Oh, and one other thing: don’t expect your kids to share everything. Give them stuff that’s just theirs and over which they have total control. If your daughter’s stealing your son’s special toy, let her know that doing so will result in her losing the privilege to play with something special of hers. And then make sure you follow through the next time she does it. (Discipline should always be connected directly to the problem at hand, but kids need warnings and chances to get things right before the repercussion is enacted.)
In terms of the physical violence kids commit on their siblings, some of this is connected to the aforementioned quality of being stuck in the same cage with another animal 24/7. But often times it’s not about your child being evil or malevolent, it’s about their not having–or having a chance to practice–functional alternatives. Instead of (or in addition to) constantly trying to react to their transgressions with punishments, walk them through the conflict, discuss it, and insert some alternatives to kicking the shit out of their sister. Suggest that they try using words to ask for what they want, model some appropriate sentences, and let them know that if this doesn’t work after three tries, they can come and get you or another adult to help mediate. Kids need recourse. (Note: this will take about 300 tries before it works. But once they nail it, it’s for life. Think long-term.) Also know that you don’t have to insert yourself into every conflict. If you give your kids the tools and skills to work through things, and they do so successfully–EVEN IF THEY RESORT TO PHYSICALITY AT TIMES–you do not need to mete out justice in the aftermath.
Of course, if you really want the full lowdown on how all this works, you have to buy Gunc’s book. Chapters 6, 7, and 8 all cover this process in detail.