Emergency! The Times reported this morning that latest economic indicators are showing that parents’ spending on back-to-school items for their children is declining by as much as ten-percent this year, the first time that these numbers have declined since the industry began keeping track of this universally important statistic. This means that, on average, moms and dads are buying one fewer Hannah Montana notepad, pack of washable markers, and bedazzled-yet-inappropriately-sloganned belly T (Delicious!) for their school age kids. What will the result of this be? Well, they might have to close one of the elevendy-seven-million Targets, Children’s Places, and Gap Kids that have occupied every corner and inflatable insta-mall all over the country. This would lead to people needing to drive their guzzly SUVs and “Crossover” vehicles further, burning more fossil fuels and causing greater traffic congestion and aggravation on our nation’s roadways. (However, it would lead to further enjoyment of additional DVDs, Nintendo DS games, and other electronic distractions for the kids in the passenger seats.) But worst of all, it would lead to massive child-labor unemployment in the Malaysian, Bangladeshi, and Honduran factories in which all of these products and clothing are produced, leading to starvation and deprivation on a massive level. In our global economy, everything is connected. You don’t buy, children die. So, you see how important it is to keep up your consumption. So when you’re walking the aisles during these crucial links, The Gay Uncle says, throw a little more unnecessary shit into your cart. Do it for the children.