Good Tidings of Joy (glug, glug, glug)

Wondering what to get that special parent in your life for the holidays? Well, if you gave them one of those easy-to-install childproof deadbolts for the outside of their kid’s room last year, they’re full up on earplugs and sleeping pills, and you’ve already purchased a copy of The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting, you could do worse than to make them one of these. What the fuck is it (besides a waste of $4.99 and a trip to 7-11?) Well, it’s apparently what’s known in parts of the Middle West as “A Singing Christmas Tree”, and it’s as easy to make as marinated cheese. Alls you do is cover a round piece of cardboard in tin foil, take the 12 pack out of its bird-strangling plastic holsters, and put it all in a sack (along with some holiday cheer). Then you trail the whole kit over to the recipient’s house, barge in, and let them know you’ve gotten them a gift. When they ask what it is, you place the silvery disc on their kitchen counter, and tell them it’s A Singing Christmas Tree. You then remove the cheap swill from your bag one can at a time, forming a pyramidical trio of round beer tiers atop the silvery disc, all the while murdering “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”. The best part? When you’re done crooning, and you’ve recovered from the ball-peen hammer injuries your hosts are likely to inflict, you can immediately begin chuggin’. It’s a gift that gives itself.

[Photo Credit: Bryan Joslin]