You know what the Gay Uncle hears all the time from the members of his million-plus fan base? Adorable stories about their kids’ activities: My two year old daughter said fuck in the middle of church services. My son let his Tonka truck run into our street, causing a three car pile up. My toddler yanked her hamsters tail so hard that it pulled right off. And while he’s generally fascinated with tales like these, what he’s most interested in receiving are anecdotes about kids getting hurt. Not because he takes a prurient interest in children’s injuries, but because he wants to come up with creative ways to protect every single delicate inch of their vulnerable bodies. If he could, he would lock them all in padded rooms, wearing padded suits, until they were full grown, feeding them only organic soy-protein shakes (with a greens boost) through straws, like factory-farmed veal. But that’s not really an option (is it?). Well, fortunately for the youth of the world, some creative folks have beat him to the punch, at least in terms of a few frangible areas. Now, whenever you let your precious darling out of their rubber room, you can doll them up in the items pictured above.
Gunc thinks that the helmet is particularly stylish, what with those adorable “ears” or “propellers” or whatever they are lolling about the top. And he’s told that the kneepads come in a variety of designer colors to match the patterns on baby’s diapers; carpet burn, you’re banished! The G.U. is working with a top prosthetic designer right now on a line of his own Baby Bump Battlers TM, including a latex lip-guard, a titanium genital protector, and a carbon-fiber eyeball mantle (this last one is proving challenging on the whole “seeing” front, but which is more important: sight, or the assurance that your child will never poke their eye out?) Make sure to return daily for updates on other new products!