Well, not exactly. But one of the Gay Uncle’s good friend’s kids recently had a mishap at a local playground. Her kid is kind of a clutz, so when he did a face-plant–tripping over some invisible surface defect near the swings–she didn’t think much of it. Until she rolled him over and found his entire visage covered in a growing film of blood. She’s not exactly clear on the sequence of events that followed this discovery, but the next thing she knew, she was hauling ass down Bedford Avenue, her two year-old son clutched to her chest, screaming and trying to hail a cab. Needless to say, people moved out of her way. Even people with strollers. By the time she reached the pediatrician’s office, the bleeding had pretty much stopped–it was from the nose, and we all know how the nose gushes whatever liquid it feels like gushing. Or, it had at least stopped coming out of the child. It was all over her outfit, and her neck and arms. “I looked like Carrie after the prom,” she told Gunc. Of course, after this adventure, she had to rush right back to the park. “I left my cell phone there. I left my bag there. I left my stroller there. Everything. All the other moms were like, Um, are you okay? Of course, none of them had really offered to help when it happened. But people stopped me for weeks after to ask about it. You could hear them whispering, There’s the mom who was covered in blood and running down the street.”
What is the point of this story (besides invoking the Gay Uncle’s love of prurience)? It is this: contemporary parents often think they don’t know what they would do in a real emergency, or how they would respond when something goes wrong with their kid. But they’re wrong. While they may make hideous mistakes in terms of core everyday practices like discipline, feeding, toileting, and even talking to their children in an age appropriate, actionable, and useful manner (and thus are all desperately in need of the G.U.’s book The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting) when it comes to a crisis, if you just trust your gut–the fight or flight instinct–you’ll probably do okay. This, however, won’t stop all those other bitches on the playground from talking about you for the rest of your life. For that, you might just have to pull of your earrings and get ready to beat some mommy ass.
I don’t usually consider myself someone who handles crisis with much grace. Honestly, I’m a chronic worry wart who usually panics, whether it’s when I lose my car keys or burn ( set fire to ) dinner on the stove.
But when my 14 month old pulled a dinner chair onto her head last month I was surprised ( shocked ) to discover just how level headed I can be when it’s important.
For once in my life I didn’t panic and freeze. I calmly called 911, and got everything together that I needed for the ER, all the while calming my 5 year old.
Every thing turned out fine. She was left with nothing more than a nasty bruise, but it was nice to know that occasionally I can have grace under fire.