In response to his recent piece on dangerous six year-old criminal Zachary “Zach Attack” Christie, the Gay Uncle received a confession from a loyal reader. While gathering her daughter’s books and homework from her locker in order to speed the process of getting to an afterschool activity, this mom discovered “about 5 lbs of toys and Halloween decorations she took from the house without asking (god knows why, seriously, she’s in 5th grade!), and buried underneath this…[her brother’s] pocket knife!.” Since Gunc is what we call a “mandated reporter”, he wrote right back with some advice. “I’ve already called the police and DSS. That bitch is going to JAIL.” Thinking a bit further about his position as a child development expert, however, he soon reconsidered and provided some real direction.
He went on a whole long-winded and very detailed description of how to approach the situation, including suggestions for what to say, how firm to be, how to provide positivist direction, and means for making the kid think she wasn’t being constantly surveilled. Apparently, Gunc went overboard. “Oh, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was at a loss on the knife issue,” the mom wrote, “though I do appreciate your sage advice…. Blah blah blah. This was a minnow compared to the other fish we’re frying with her.” The G.U. vows to try to zip it in the future. Right after he gets off the phone with DSS. Now he’s sending them both to jail.