I paid my $19.98. I suffered the taunting emergence of numerous pop-up ads for nude male celebrity sites. I felt obliged to partake of a “Featured Video”¯ that featured the most clichĆ© video feature ever featured: doing the pool boy. And as I”ve heard tell from “a friend”¯ in relation to other porn sites, I now fear that incorrigible recurrent charges will haunt my AmEx until it expires. And what did I get from Playgirl in exchange? A shower scene, some hockey costumed hilarity, a couple glimpses of tightly shaved upper bush, and a dozen ass shots. I thought we had a sort of deal here, Levi. You get fag fame and a soon-to-be-raided college account for Tripp; we get peen. Thanks for not holding up (or out) your end.
Not that the ass is bad. But it”s not a million-dollar ass, or even a quarter-million dollar ass, which seems to me the bare (ugh) minimum Mr. Johnston would have been paid to step out of his panties. In fact, in many of the shots, the ass in question looks sort of like someone rolled a pair of big Indian River grapefruits down his back, and they landed in two fleshy pouches just below his rear tan-lines. Rounded, but not very shapely.
Sadly, the front-end view above the waist is even more disappointing. What was all that I read about Levi foregoing all nourishment save Deca-Durabolin soy shakes, living on a medicine ball, and doing enough Krav Maga to kill Madonna? He looks like his concept of “working out”¯ involved lifting a Slurpee to his mouth a couple times, and then taking off his T-shirt. I”m as sick of buff boys as any other porn addict, but at least show some pride. For half what I paid to view Levi”s chicken chest, I got enough memorable material at New Moon to last me a year. (Of course when Taylor Lautner took off his shirt for the first time, I also got my Rod Lavers soaked with the torrent of tween girl pee that suddenly went gushing down the theater floor, so I guess there”s a trade off.)
Perhaps Levi is saving his goalie”s stick for a secretly scheduled upcoming pictorial, for the (rapidly approaching) day when he blows through this batch of funds, for when he finally nails LiLo, or for when full frontal man parts are allowed on network TV. (Reality-show pitch, Fall 2016: So You Think You Can Cum?) If so, I doubt I”ll be in the audience. Having seen him make leather jackets, sports costumes, and soaping in the shower seem about as sexy as two servings of prunes, the idea of Levi Johnston”s penis just makes me sad.
Brett, This is a let-down of monumental proportions, but if Levi’s penis makes you sad, I am rescinding your gay card.