Brett Berk

The Gay Uncle spent five nights with his in-laws last week. (Yes, F-I-V-E. Send medals.) He enjoyed about three and a half nights of quality time during this period, some of it with his three nieces. But five nights means five movies. These screenings bring the family together, allow the G.U. to drink his in-laws’ good liquor for free, and keep him out of the scary bars in his b.f.’s small Southern hometown. Screening films also provides a modicum of peace in the house each evening; without them the girls tend to spiral out into whimpering and whining, depriving the adults of any…adult time. Since it’s the only reliable way to control for the “taste” of others (his father-in-law’s Netflix selections literally consisted of: Oceans 11-13, and Wild Hogs) he and his boyfriend placed themselves in charge of the video store runs. Now that the girls are approaching the double digits, and aspiring toward even higher ages, the Guncles felt it was time to begin sharing some of their favorite teen movies. They were careful to pick films that had only the most chaste sexual content, and absolutely no violence, gore, or killing. But there was plenty of what his mother-in-law calls “cussing”. This didn’t bother Gunc in the least. He doesn’t have a problem with kids hearing swearing, or even swearing themselves so long as they do it properly, and without being injurious to others. But his sister-in-law Lizzie and infamous brother-in-law Marty seemed to take greater issue, so much so that Marty began personally censoring even mild curses like “ass” and “bitch” by screaming “BEEP” or distractingly reaching over and attempting to cover his girls’ ears, tactics that were at once annoying and ineffectual. The G.U. felt that his own method of setting standards and just letting the kids deal was much more successful, a fact that was proven out when the movie ended. “That was funny,” Lizzie said to the girls. “But what did you think of all that cursing?” Brookie, Marty’s oldest daughter, shrugged. “We hear it all the time from Mommy. We hear it all the time from Daddy. We hear it all the time from movies. We just know not to say any of it.” Chalk up another one for the G.U.’s patented method of empowering kids with the tools to analyze and understand the world, instead of trying (impossibly, unsuccessfully) to insulate them from it.

The Gay Uncle is spending the Holidays with his boyfriend Tal’s family, and is (as usual) learning a great deal about how the Christians indoctrinate their young. Apparently, his oldest niece Violet is undergoing religious training at the church near her house in North Carolina. In order to help accomplish this, her mother and step-father have purchased her an illustrated book of Bible stories, which she reads from, or is read-aloud from, some evenings. Showing an interest in her own moral upbringing, she recently requested that her mom read her one of these fables before bed. “Can you please tell me the one about that guy? The one with the blood, and the pricker bush hat, and all the nails in his hands?” Her mother squinted her eyes, disappointed with her obvious failure. “You mean JESUS? The story of JESUS!?!” The girl nodded. “Yeah. Whatever.”

In Violet’s honor, Gunc would like to wish all his Christian brothers and sisters a Merry Xmas, and a very happy 2009th birthday to “That Guy”.

Here’s a new idea whose time has come: Sanctimonious Holiday Cards. The Gay Uncle recently received a “holiday greeting” from someone he knows in Berkeley, CA the other day. It was just like all the other cards he receives in the mail every year–containing blank-faced photos of his friends standing in some highlight-of-the-year location/vacation, smiling falsely, with their brood–save two minor points:

1) It was a “first ever video card” that had been emailed to him (and a hundred other people on an OPEN CC LIST) so that instead of opening it and immediately tossing it aside, he had to watch 51 full seconds of this family’s clip reel, featuring the kinds of antics that many parents find adorable (gurgling babies, caterwauling toddlers) but most anyone on the outside would simply find tedious.
2) The email message to which it was attached featured the following smug line: “in lieu of a printed card we decided to go the paper-free route this year” letting everyone who actually mailed a physical card this year know that their efforts are contributing to destroying our beautiful world. It’s kind of like saying “Merry Christmas! You’re doing it wrong!”

The Gay Uncle was recently complaining to a colleague about how the holidays run at his in-laws house. He has three nieces on his boyfriend’s side, and in years past, the Christmas morning present-opening routine has been marked not by cheer, warmth, and love, but rather by infighting (“I like the green skirt! Why did she get the green skirt?”), ingratitude (“Is that all the presents?”), interjection (“Waaaaaah!!!), and–immediately upon the cessation of wrapping-ripping–inciting inflamation (“I’m bored.) So Gunc told his co-worker that, this year, he’s boycotting all present giving. Instead, he said, he’s making extra donations to charity in his nieces’ honor (Habitat for Humanity, a Food Bank, Planned Parenthood). “It’s no Wii,” he said, “but I feel much better about it.”

Gunc smiled smugly, anticipating affirmation. But the look on his colleague’s face spoke volumes. It said: Brett, you are a bitter little bitch. Which brought up two cyclically-interrelated questions in the G.U.’s children’s media-addled brain:

1) Is the Gay Uncle a Scrooge?
2) Is Scrooge McDuck a Gay Uncle?

What do you think? Let him know in COMMENTS below…

While he was down in the Keys with his family last week, The Gay Uncle was invited to read aloud to his nieces’ 4/5th grade class. There are about 30 kids in this Montessori group, and it is run by a hardcore practitioner, so when he arrived, instead of the usual happy teacher chatter he usually aims for in these situations, he was instructed to sit in a hard chair and simply “observe the children”. He tried his best to be unobtrusive, though it went against every fiber of his being. This was especially difficult since a) all three of his nieces (Amber, Lucia, and Faye) are in the class; b) he’s spent his entire professional career talking to kids; and c) he’d been out drinking until the wee hours the night before and had consumed about nine glasses of water that morning in an attempt to fight off a hangover.

Instead the G.U. watched the kids work with their weird Montessori tools: a protractor, an abacus, some dangly math manipulatives that looked like the chandelier earrings his grandma wore in the 70’s. His nieces led him through their PowerPoint presentations (4th grade is so sophisticated-like!). Then he looked through the chapter book the class was being read–a memoir of a young Kenyan cow-herder who had won a scholarship to the city school and gone on to Harvard. Gunc noticed that the chapter he was to read began: “My whole life changed after my circumcision.” He could relate.

And then it was reading time. His niece Amber introduced him. “This is my Uncle. His name is Uncle Brett. He’s a writer and he lives in New York.” The teacher nodded. “Do you want to tell everyone about his book?” Amber set one foot behind the other and twisted in place. The girl is not exactly shy (not at all) but there in front of a room full of her peers, she seemed a bit concerned about letting everyone know what the G. in G.U. stood for. “Um…. Not really.” Fortunately, Gunc’s eldest niece Lucia raised her voice in the back of the room. “I’ll tell them,” she said. “It’s called The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting.” She beamed. But the rest of the room was pin-drop silent. “Okay, then…” The Gay Uncle cleared his throat. He looked into the paperback. My whole life changed after my circumcision….

The Gay Uncle recently received a report on his six year old “nephew” Max. Apparently, a girl in Max’s class was behaving strangely toward him: hiding his windbreaker, grabbing the ball away from him on the playground, offering to be his math partner and then saying “psych”. The girl’s older brother–who is also in their class–wondered what was going on, so he asked his sister point-blank after school one day: “Truth: Are you in love with Max?” The girl reddened, and nodded. “Yes.”

The next morning, the kids were back on the playground. It is unclear whether or not Max received confirmation of his classmate’s amorous attentions. It is unclear whether or not, had he received confirmation, he would return these affections. It is even unclear how the adult who told Gunc this story achieved her insider insight. But despite all of that, the concrete events of that morning are indisputable: The girl approached Max with a request; Max was busy doing something else; The girl was persistent; Max pushed the girl into a tree. When asked why he did it, the boy looked at his feet and shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Administrators were alerted. Parents were called. Punishments were meted out. The classroom dynamic returned to its normal, fraught state.

The lessons of the story are as follows:
1) Men are assholes
2) Six year olds should not be entrusted with concepts like being in love
3) Trees are hard, but useful in fighting global warming

You may recall that the Gay Uncle’s new niece, Cakes, is extremely precocious for a 10 month old baby. She walks, she eats mushrooms and spinach (and just about anything else you put in front of her). She laughs at the G.U.’s jokes. And she was reported to be able to say the word “Uncle”. Well, while Gunc was visiting her–and his mother, his sister Roxy, her b.f. Nick, and their other kids Amber, Lucia, and Faye–in the Keys this past week, he did his best to try to get the girl to utter the magic word…to no avail. “Uncle,” he said, over and over, leaning in toward her. “Uncle. Un-cle. Un-cle,” he said, smiling and pointing at himself. “At least say, Brett, you little doughball. The hard consonants are somewhat easier.” This went on for three entire days without end (or success). Then, on his last night in town (as with every other night) he was scheduled to go out for drinks with Roxy, and Cakes was all buckled into her car seat in back when designated-driver Nick pulled up to nab him. As you know, the Gay Uncle loves a captive audience, so he immediately started in on the Say Uncle bit again. The girl simply gurgled and smirked. She even said “Mama” once or twice, pointing at his sister. But then, just as they were pulling up to the bar, she cocked her head, pointed right at him, and–clear as a bell–said…“Gay!” No joke. Gunc didn’t even sigh. He just shrugged and accepted it. He is a professional Gay Uncle after all. Witness the note his older niece Amber wrote on the family calendar (in the image above) for the date he was to arrive in town. If you can’t read her scrawl, it says: “The Gay Uncle Comes In”

In case you missed any of the press the Gay Uncle garnered this week, here’s a quick re-cap:

1) An interview with the G.U.–and Fox News anchor Steve Doocy(!?!)–on NPR.
2) A piece in the Times of London recommending The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Parenting as an ideal holiday gift
3) Two shout-outs in Babble’s 2nd anniversary article, listing The Gay Uncle’s piece on The Economy as “The Article We’re Proudest of Having Pulled Off”, and calling his new monthly interview piece Advice from Kids their “Most Hilarious New Column”
4) A charming write up in Queerty on Gunc and his stellar Vanity Fair gay car column Stick Shift
5) A bit on the Gay Uncle from a nice lawyer fellow who recently took the G.U. and his mom out for dinner

The Gay Uncle is down in Key West this week, visiting with his sister, mom, and nieces. As part of their ongoing tradition of “Uncle Time”–dating back to when the girl could first scream the words UNCLE TIME!!–Gunc and niece Amber (now age 9) spent the afternoon together. They had ice cream, they had pizza, they visited the Aquarium, they watched an insane faux-French man juggle cats on the Sunset Pier. And, like any ideal visit with a pre-tween girl, they went shopping for crappy trinkets at the mall-famous store Claire’s. Later on, he met his sister Roxy for a drink or four, and they eventually got around to discussing U.T. Gunc described how he managed to embarrass the girl–not a very difficult practice with a nine year old–by swishing about, talking loud, and forcing her to toss tips into the buckets of the sunset performers. This was all old hat to Roxy, who shares her older brother’s…performative personality. What she wanted to know was how the G.U. managed to deal with Claire’s a source of endless tension/desire for the mother/daughter team. “Whenever we go there, she wants everything in the store. She nags, she wines, she drags her feet. We end up spending so much time, that by the end, I’m frustrated and don’t even want to get her anything.”
Gunc explained that the trick, like most things with young kids, was to be concrete, and proactive, and set expectations in advance. “Before we even walked in the door,” he told Roxy, “I turned to Amber, and I said, clearly, You have five bucks, and five minutes. If you go over either one, we’re out. She raced around the store, did the math herself, and ended up with some cheap, dangly animal keychains.” He didn’t add that he was campaigning for a fake-rhinestone bedecked headband, or a scrunchy with synthetic blond hair all around. There’s always more Uncle Time.

The Gay Uncle received a note from his friend Lola today titled I’m Just Not That Into My Kid These Days. She wrote: “I have a confession, I’m not sure I like the person that my son became this past week.” Apparently, her nearly three year-old, Lou, had been home sick with a bad cold, and over the course of the four days off from school, both mom and son “started to get a little crazy” with the boy “constantly testing and absolutely not listening.” She ended it with a cry for help.

Well, help has arrived. Here is Gunc’s 5-point strategy for dealing with a home-based, three year-old insurrection, and your own sense of not really liking your kid.

1) Confess: It’s great to admit your frustration to someone (besides your child); it helps relieve the tension. And it’s particularly useful to tell someone like the G.U. because a) He’s an expert b) He thrives on familial conflict and c) He can use these disclosures as fodder for a column.
2) Butt Out: Welcome to the core struggle of three year-olds, the age at which kids become cognizant of their abilities and their limitations, bringing a painful awareness of how their desires contrast with their skill set, and creating a toxic cycle of need, vehemence, and failure. Give your child space to attempt things themselves, and let them know (once!) that you’re there if they need help. But be aware that P.I. (Parental Insertion) is often fuel for the fire–even if you’re just trying to validate their vexation. Practice butting out. Your child needs to get past their frustration threshold in order to figure out where it is and what it means.
3) Loose Strength: The flip side of this is the need to remain consistent about discipline. Be proactive: set up your expectations, parameters, and repercussions in advance, and stick to them. But plan on providing a little extra space and time–one more warning, one more minute–than usual.
4) Sick Sympathy: We all tend to lash out when we feel crappy. (Have you ever visited someone in the hospital?) Illness exacerbates all of the above issues–particularly our frustration threshold. With nose-blows, expect blow-back.
5) Break Out: Imagine how you would feel if you were forced to stay home alone with your mom for a week? Your 3 year-old is used to a correlative measure of freedom at school, and being stuck home as the helpless victim of your caretaking runs counter to the pride and independence their regular life brings. Also remember that young kids thrive on routine, and a break like this is a disruption on every level. Returning to school should help. But your kid might also benefit from some extra time away from you. Plan a playdate, hire a sitter, send them to the movies with their Guncle.