Brett Berk

Loyal readers (or even those willing to scroll down a few entries) might remember the gay uncle, GU fan who wrote in recently asking about how to come out of the closet to his nieces. Of course, Gunc gave him some expert advice, of which he was very appreciative (as are ALL proper followers of the Cult of G.U.) Well, you will be happy (or relieved, or disinterested) to know that Gunc just received an update from said Other Gay Uncle, and the story ends in a form of snarky, but loving acceptance (as should all things Gay Uncle-related). The reader writes:

Dear Gay Uncle,

I just wanted to thank you again and let you know how the coming out weekend went. My brother and sister-in-law were very supportive. In fact, my brother was extremely insightful and I think they were both relieved knowing that perhaps I will now move on with my life and maybe even meet someone. I decided to leave it up to them to let my nieces know, whenever the opportunity arose, rather than my having a forced conversation about it with them. Well ironically, tonight, they called to tell me that the topic was broached.

My brother asked one of my nieces if it would have any effect on her if she heard that her Uncle Z- was gay. She looked up from her homework, said, “No, why would it?” and went back to her work.

An hour later she walked back into the kitchen, looked at her father and asked. “If Uncle Z- is now gay, do you think he’ll start dressing any better?”

Thanks again for everything. You have earned yourself a very appreciative new reader.

Z.

What a smart girl! She must have been taking lessons from the Gay Uncle’s darling little niece Amber (or perhaps just watching the same sit-coms.)

The Gay Uncle received this missive from a loyal reader the other day, and he thought it was important to share it with you, as it pertains to the recent shitstorm he unleashed on Yahoo’s parenting site with his intelligent and focused critique of parents who use physical violence as a disciplinary practice. What follows is one wise grandfather’s thoughts about the debate. And, rest assured, this is completely REAL, this is no internet “joke”. I’ve met this guy’s grandkid, and this photo is really of him (that’s his favorite shirt). And it’s really his car. It’s All, Totally, Real.

Tough Love vs. Spanking – Good Argument 
  
Most of the American populace thinks it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my grandkids when they have one of  ‘those moments.’ One that I’ve found particularly effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride. Some say it’s the vibration from the vehicle that makes this practice so effective, others say it’s the time away from distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, iPod, etc.  Either way, my darling grandchildren usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.  Eye to eye contact helps a lot too. 

I’ve included a little snapshot below from of one of my recent sessions with my eldest grandkid in case you would like to use the technique. 

The Gay Uncle is working on an exciting new article about how the financial crunch is affecting families all over the country, and he needs your help. He has to find a very wealthy family, a very middle class family, and a very working class family–all with kids in the 0-6 year old range–who he can interview briefly over the phone, and talk about the choices/changes they’re making in terms of things like food, leisure, education and transportation. Participating families would then be photographed for the piece as well.
If you’re interested in participating–or know of people who might be interested–Gunc would love to hear from you. He’s trying to cast as wide a net as possible, so feel free to forward this link/request to your sister so she can get in touch with her best friend from high school who now lives in a survivalist compound in Idaho, or your brother whose friend from elementary school who’s just been laid off from the Ford engine plant in Indiana, or that oil field heiress whose kid your niece goes to school with in Dallas.

Interested parties can get in touch with the Gay Uncle via the contact page on this site, or through the email address gayunclesguide@mac.com
Thanks so much for all your help.

The Gay Uncle’s family members are amazing in many ways. They’re intelligent, talented, funny, and successful. Some are musicians. Some tend bar. Some are nearly finished discovering the precise chemical formula for a once-a-day pill that will cure all forms of cancer. Oh, and some just happen to be tiny toddler BMX prodigies. (Click HERE to find out what the hell this means.) G.U. thinks that if he can tape this kid going around the track a few more times at speed, wearing camouflage shorts and a Palin Sux t-shirt and screaming Go Barack! at the top of his lungs, and set the whole video to the tune of Barracuda, he’ll have created both an internet sensation, and a means to finally seal up the election for the Big O. His other thought: take pledges from readers for each lap his three year-old cousin completes on his next Sunday bicycle ride, and donate the proceeds to the campaign. His final thought: tell GUG fans that this kid will not be allowed to get off his teensy two-wheeler until they donate a hundred-thousand dollars for CHANGE, and then sit back and watch the money pour in. Give Now before little Riley throws up, pops a flat, or really damages his inner ear with all that annular motion.

It’s not National Coming Out Day or anything, but since a reader recently asked a question that pertains to this area, the G.U. thought he’d address the issue. The reader asked about telling his young nieces and nephews that he’s gay. Since Gunc didn’t write The Gay Uncle’s Guide to Gay Uncling, it’s not a topic that’s covered in depth in his book, but there is some basic information about in in his chapter on talking to kids (there’s a bit where a parent tries unsuccessfully to explain Gunc’s sexuality to a kid in his class, with somewhat confused results.) His core advice is just to be as straightforward and concrete as possible. Kids take, have, and maintain issues with things like this when they’re presented in ways that are muddled, abstract, or side-handed. Acting like being gay is perfectly normal will let the nieces and nephews know that this is just another way in which people exist in the world. Of course, you don’t need to try and explain it too soon. (Ga-ga, goo-goo, gay-gay?) But the Gay Uncle outed himself to the three year olds in his class when questions pertaining to this came up (Are you married? Do you have a girlfriend? etc.) Be clear, and frame things in a positivist perspective–tell them who you date, go out with, or are interested in dating–and connect it to their lived experience (e.g. “Just like your mom goes out with boys; so do I.” Or, “Some men have a girlfriend, some have a boyfriend. I’m one of the ones who has a boyfriend (or boyfriendS).” Or “I don’t have a girlfriend. I go out with boys. I’m actually looking for a boyfriend now. (OPTIONAL: Do you know anyone?)” Avoid any explanations that might snare in unintended consequences like “I don’t like girls”. The G.U.’s now nine year old niece has known his boyfriend since she was born, and simply considers him a normal part of the family (or as normal as Tal can be). But she’s an active advocate for gay rights. It wasn’t crammed at her in any polemical way, it was simply presented as part of her reality, and since she loves me and Tal, and knows that we love each other, she’ll rush to our people’s defense if some doofus makes an anti-gay wise-crack on the playground. “Get over it!” she’ll yell.

Of course, Gunc has an extremely supportive family. Other people’s situation might be different. But remember that regardless of what your parents, siblings, or in-laws might think, you’re entitled to have your own individual and honest relationship with your nieces and nephews. If your family prevents that from happening now, keep sending those buff beefcake birthday cards (with checks enclosed) but stay away until such time as the kids are able to take in the information independent of external influence. These kids are going to be around for a long time, and they’ll need a loving and supportive uncle at any stage of their development. But, like with any relationship, they need to be able to accept that love. If they don’t want it, save it for someone who does!

Feel free to share your tips or stories in COMMENTS, if you want.

One of the Gay Uncle’s loyal readers dropped him a line this weekend to tell him the story of her recent shopping trip to Costco, and he thought it was worth it to share it with you, not only because it’s hilarious, but because it occurred in the suddenly-important state of Alaska. While wandering the aisles, this early childhood professional noticed a pair of moms, each with a three or four kids–and piles of junk food–in their carts. The kids seemed cute at first, but as she kept encountering them in the store (frequently near the free-sample stations), they became increasingly…less cute. As did the moms, who began scolding them repeatedly for infractions such as riding on the back of the cart, or poking the shrink-wrapped chicken thighs. Finally, Gunc’s reader felt like she’d lost them (she figured they were distracted by the supersized smoothie station). But as she was loading her groceries into her vehicle, she spotted them again in the parking lot. Their SUVs were right next to one another, and while one of the moms had her kids all buckled down into their seats, the other one decidedly did not, and they were running around freely in the cab of the enormous truck while mommy tried ineffectually to get them to be seated. Then suddenly, this mother of the free-range children suddenly became even more agitated and started shouting at her little rugrats, “Cut it out…don’t touch…stop it! I said don’t touch that GODDAMMIT SIT IN YOUR SEAT…stop it. Please stop it. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD”. At about the second “my”, the G.U.’s fan turned to see the SUV slowly rolling toward a construction fence, with Mom running alongside it, pulling on the locked passenger door handle. Fortunately for everyone, the vehicle stopped itself…by running gently into the fence. Strangely (or tellingly) the other mom seemed not to worry or get involved, signaling to the onlookers that this was not the first time something like this had happened.

Always one for lessons, the Gay Uncle asked his reader what she thought the lesson of this story was. She said the following:
“Um…if you are going to be a dip and let your child play in the car:
1. Set the parking brake or use wheel chucks (or)
2. Bring a friend who can run fast and who has decent upper body strength so s/he can help stop the car if it gets away?

Gunc feels like he agrees. But feel free to let loose with other lessons.

The G.U. has a new article out in the excellent parenting magazine Babble. This one is all about how, and how not, to get divorced. It’s such an exuberant piece, that he suspects that after reading it, you’ll want to drop whatever you’re doing (including your current spouse or partner), run out, and split up. Oh, and there’s a handy sidebar on page one about the three worst divorce stories he heard while doing his interviews. Click here to read.

Will this stream of writing never cease? The Gay Uncle has yet another piece up on Yahoo’s parenting site. Having given up on spanking, he’s moved onto pinching. Check it out.

The Gay Uncle now writes a weekly parenting column for Yahoo’s ladies’ site Shine (a moniker he doesn’t understand, unless it’s meant to refer to how women perspire…?) Well, this week, he got himself into a bit of hot water (sweat?) when he suggested to these Shiny readers that smacking one’s kids around might not be the most productive method of discipline. He provided what he believed was an intelligent and modulated approach to the subject, discussing the matter from the perspective of someone who’s studied child development extensively, and worked practically, successfully, and pretty-much spank free with literally tens of thousands of young kids. He didn’t expect anyone to repent, or re-consider the meaning of the corporeal upon reading it. He didn’t even expect anyone to read it. But what he got fully exceeded everything he didn’t expect: it’s the most popular piece on the site, and has garnered about twelve dozen comments from parents all over the country, around 98% of whom praised the utility, advisability, and downright necessity of their spanking their kids. This puzzles the Gay Uncle. Why would someone defend hitting a defenseless child? (Unless they’re really defensive.) And why would they go out of their way to extol the virtues of this practice, to call the Gay Uncle nasty names, and to commend their own parents for having the strength of mind (and arm, wrist, and hand) to smack them as children? Both of the G.U.’s parents hit him. He remembers his father chasing him around the house to capture and beat him, and recalls thinking how ridiculous and out of control his dad looked doing this. He also remembers his mother promising a paddling “when we get home”, a form of intentional torture, disconnected from the actual transgression, that borders on the sadistic. He’s over having any sort of debate about the subject. Spanking a child as a means of resolving a problem is immature, counterproductive, hypocritical, and a violation of everyone’s humanity–hittee and hitter alike. Plus, it is not a long-term plan. It is a reactive, momentary fix. And helping kids develop properly is nothing if not an enduring task. Don’t get the Gay Uncle wrong. Anyone who has read even a sentence of his book knows that he’s all for parents taking charge of situations with their kids (Pretend You’re the Grownup), of utilizing consistent, pro-active, and potitivist discipline, and of setting up clear expectations and boundaries and implementing real and direct consequences. But a grown up hitting little kids? You get a few passes in your life for losing it, so long as you’re contrite. But as a defensible practice? Get some shame.

Readers often contact the Gay Uncle wondering, “Is my kid insane?” This question is usually followed by an example of a behavior that seems odd to a parent who has only had direct experience with one or two kids, but feels perfectly normal to the G.U. who has had the chance to witness the actions of tens of thousands of burbling rugrats. One common related thread is: “Does my child have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder”? The answer is almost always, “No”. Kids love consistency, rhythm, and familiarity as it helps provide them with a template they can use to make sense of the constant onslaught of new information they’re expected to take in every day (and most everything is new to them, they’re so young!) So behaviors that are based in creating familiar patterns, are comforting, giving them a scaffolding around which they can build understanding. Similarly, their efforts to exert control over their surroundings, by attempting to create order in the chaos of their life, comes from the same source. So when they meticulously organize each of their thirteen-thousand Polly Pockets toys into a line that circumnavigates the house, or place their stuffed animals on the edge of their bed in reverse descending-order according to height and age, they’re more than likely not showing signs of mental illness. They’re showing signs of normal mental activity. Which is a good thing.